Subjunctivitis

Not My Type.

2008-11-19T11:25:00.001-05:00

If I were a Fontographer, my signature typeface would be called Rationale Oblique.

The Truth and How We Told It

2008-11-14T06:57:00.003-05:00

We all have those verbal tics, those vocal pauses, that fill our empty spaces between thoughts. For some, it's "ummmmm..." For others, it might be "it's like, you know..."

A colleague leads into many explanations with this phrase:

"To tell you the truth..."

as in "To tell you the truth, I never thought of that" or "To tell you the truth, my family hasn't been to Silver Bells since '02."

When anyone (except one cousin) is speaking to me, I do not assume everything they say is a lie. On the contrary, I assume what you say to me to be the truth. Why would I think you were making up and propagating a story about your feelings toward certain sandwiches? ("To tell you the truth, I've never liked the Blimpie Best.") Would you lead me astray on your thoughts regarding dangling modifiers? ("To tell you the truth, most people don't even worry about them any more.")

I am your friend. You do not need to act as if you're letting me in on your secret life. Maybe you are hoping that by sharing so much truthiness, we will become closer. Maybe, I am emotionally aloof and should open up more... and your truth-telling is an attempt at bonding.

sigh.

OK, this has to stay between me and you.
On the DL.
On the QT.
To tell you the truth, this blog post is not what I'd hoped. To tell you the truth, I wanted to do it on pluperfects. To tell you the truth, I don't know what a pluperfect is. To tell you the truth, I think you are pluperfect just the way you are. To tell you the truth, I am an idiot for every wanting to change you.

That's the truth.

You Make Me Sick

2008-11-12T07:03:00.002-05:00

I saw a former student yesterday, which is always fun.

They come up, tell me how much they enjoyed my class, and reflect on a favorite project of theirs.

She said:

"Remember that time I came into your room, and I was really hungry, and you gave me a packet of apples from your little fridge?
Well, I got sick off them and threw up in fourth hour."

It's those chance encounters that are so very special to me.

God Bless You.

2008-11-11T07:20:00.002-05:00

In Sunday School, we're studying Esther, A Jewish girl whom Xerxes took as his Queen.

I ask the teacher: "Esther's a what?"

He replies: "A Jew."

I answer: "Gesundheit."

Hole Earth

2008-11-10T06:28:00.005-05:00

Pity the man
driving truck for
Ditch Witch Boring Company
I saw this morning
at the Speedway
near my home.

While some may see
their vocation as
mindless or uninspired,
this man has the words
BORING COMPANY
painted on the side
of his vehicle
18 inches high.

This Dust In...

2008-11-06T21:47:00.004-05:00

The sign stuck in the median advertised
"Blind Cleaning"
and I thought

Nothing against the
Visually Impaired,

but it seems like a
different career choice
might be in order.

Snappy Comebacks to Unasked Questions

2007-12-12T12:40:00.000-05:00

I just finished Steve Martin's latest book, an autobiography of sorts... it chronicles just his stand-up years. Fascinating and wonderful.

In it, he takes credit for writing this line: "Do you mind if I smoke? No, do you mind if I fart?" Wow. That is one of those lines that I just figured has always been around. Anyhow, it got me thinking about snappy comebacks.
Not much rankles me, and rarely do I tirade* about what someone says or does. I like to think on it, but it doesn't upset me.

So, I don't have any great examples of things people say that bug me. Remember Mad's "Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Questions"? I always enjoyed that bit... I just don't often think people are asking stupid questions. Maybe it's the teacher in me.

But I do like snappy comebacks.

So. Here is a list of Snappy Comebacks... I just don't have the Stupid Questions they, um Comeback... to.

Snappy Comebacks to Unasked Questions

Maybe on Planet Dokken!
If you don't mind a little spittle, then yes, absolutely!
Why else do you think I named my daughter Hermione?
What'd you expect? Turner and Hooch?
No, I'm just waiting for the Orange Julius Express!
When flies pig!
Never! Unless there are conflict diamonds involved. And then, only on a case-by-case basis.
No, but I do have lumbago. That's the Forbidden Dance!

*my latest attempt at verbing. "Tirade" means to "go off on a tirade."

Relishing the Thought

2007-12-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

What a perv.

There is an ad for relish where a stork says:

"I relish the though of meeting your buns... Vlasic relish that is."

What?

He explains that he never meant anything by complimenting my buns. What he meant was:

"I Vlasic relish the thought of meeting your buns."

He hasn't changed the part about my buns. If he were trying to backpedal the sexy time aura, he would have said something like:

"I relish the thought of meeting your buns... hamburger buns, that is. Because I'm relish. I go... on... buns."

I'm trying to come up with a similar instance of misplaced backpedaling. Maybe:

"This year, my website has been able to garner 10,000 unique views of a photo of my wiener. Jennifer Garner, that is. "

The Drugs of a Nation

2007-12-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about prescription drugs, their names, their marketing, etc. I've had so many random thoughts it's hard to categorize them. So, I won't. What follows is a random progression of thoughts I've had over the last few days. See if you can follow:

Two Things I Get Confused:

Speaking of Flomax,
there's a work by British poet Giles Fletcher called "Christ's Victory And Triumph" that contains these lines:

About the holy city rolls a flood
Of molten crystal, like a sea of glass,
On which weak stream a strong foundation stood,
Of living diamonds the building was.

to which I would reply: "you said weak stream."

Last week, I said I was going to think about some new drug names.
Here are some I've come up with. Feel free to use any of them. Send checks made out to "Cash," please.

Mucinexium: Treats heartburn and mucus buildup.
Wadasec: Slows time long enough to get one's shoes tied before everyone leaves.
Mandelycin: Rejuvenative properties strong enough for, in some cases, career resuscitation. See Deal Or No Deal.
Methodone: Gives users a heightened emotional connection to their current circumstance. Also marketed as Nicholsomine, Brandomycin, and Denirotonin.
Addemall: Anxiety medication for producers unsure of which villains are necessary to make a successful superhero sequel. See Spider-Man 3, Batman and Robin.
Darvaset: Rationality inhibitor. Prescribed to those thinking about joining any shady-sounding Fox Reality shows.
Vickodin: Caffeine pill. From their website: "Feeling dog tired? Need a burst of energy? Try Vickodin. If you've lost 1/2 or more of your vitality, we'll help you get at least a quarter back."
FlikDotAtta Diethylamide: Antacid.

Here are some drug names I don't have description for, but like their sound:

Sexium
Xenax
Benaflex: something about flexible benfits, or Ben Affleck.
I want to come up with a drug that is an "Analcheesic."

Maybe I'll come back and add to this list sometime. What have you got?

Christmas #1s

2007-12-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

So, this is a quick post I anticipate returning to as I pay more attention and my list grows.

There are some searches people use to find my site that are so oddball, I come up as the #1 hit in Google. Which is cool, but I often wonder why folks are searching it to begin with. The big one is the phrase simple pans tense. It shows up all the time.... like nearly every day at least one person searches for this. What does it mean? Google thinks it's a typo. Maybe it is... but looking at a keyboard, it doesn't seem like a typo, at least not for "past tense," anyway. Any ideas?

Another popular search is for fake palindromes, though that only comes up #3. In that vein, the misspelled pallindrome gets me a lot of visits, too, thanks to a typo in a comment post on that page. Another comment typo that gets me a #1 is a search for meaning of audasity.

Another #1 hit is rhyme scheme of the song holy diver. This one makes me happy.

A #1 hit that surprises me is #1 is the infamous el guapo. Seems like other sites would be ahead of me, on that one.

Another I see about once a week is list of words for said. Another #1.

And Emoticon Woman. Sounds like a great screamo song.

And Oh Ya You Betcha.

Another I like, because it means others have the same problem I had, is pronounce requited.

Strangely, Danny Bonaduce tree gets a #1. I can't imagine what that person's looking for.

Soon, I hope Christmas #1 holy diver gets me a #1. That'd rock.

ADDENDA
Nut N Honey Truck - #1! (12/10)

Spicy Chips, Ahoy!and, Only Brand-Name Drugs For Me

2007-11-30T12:06:00.000-05:00

I wrote recently about how Blair's Death Rain was probably the only contender for the "America's Favorite Spicy Chip!" crown.
Just coming from dinner at Speedway, I can tell you that Lay's has an entry I found quite good. It's called... wait for it... "Flamin' Hot."
Maybe it's been around awhile, I don't know. But any hot chip I've had been not-so-hot. With this, there was a bit of an afterburn. Nice.

In Other News:
Apart from the fact that the drug Requip has a side effect that results in "sudden strong gambling or sexual urges," I must say I do like the name. Is drug-name-comer-up-with-er a job? Because I think I'd be good at it. That'll be my next post, I think. Let me get to thinkin' on that.

Some drug names create portmanteaux: Re-equip=Requip. (Or maybe it's simply stating a witty remark twice?) Prevent Acid=Prevacid. Singular Air (?)=Singulair.

Some drug names just evoke a feeling: Zoloft makes me want to float away. Zyrtec seems futuristic. Claritin says, well, clarity.

So, stay tuned. Especially if you're a drug-namer. Pure gold is on its way, first-come, first-served. I also want to look into the drug-naming industry. Anyone have any resources?

America's Favorite!

2007-11-15T11:04:00.000-05:00

As I circled the high school cafeteria on a Saturday morning, double-checking that none of the hundreds of Standardized Testers in the room had gone back and finished bubbling a previous section, my eye was drawn to food. Not food, per se, but pictures of food. More specifically, pitches of food.

As in, sales pitches.

Turns out, many of the food items offered in this cafeteria are "America's Favorite" of that variety.

For example, SuperPretzel is America's favorite... well, it's not clear. Favorite pretzel? Maybe not. Soft pretzel? Frozen soft pretzel warmed under a heat lamp? We're not told, but I would love to see the research on this. Don't get me wrong. I love the SuperPretzel. Especially the wrestling ones.

As a seasonal alternative, you could pick up Tastee caramel apples, America's Favorite caramel apple. Their website also promises that they are the "World's Best!" Whoa.*

In said cafeteria's vending machine, they sold bags of something called Blair's Death Rain Habañero Kettle Cooked Potato Chips. They are, as you may know, "America's Favorite Spicy Chip!" Here is a brand narrowing the genre so tightly, that there is probably no one to dispute the "favorite" claim. What are my options? I may not care for Death Rain, but of all the other spicy chips available, I guess it's my favorite... It'd be like advertising "Frasier: America's Favorite Cheers spin-off!" What other competition is there? Though, I always said no one really gave The Tortellis a chance.

Man, that Jean Kasem...

I've decided to follow Blair's Death Rain's lead. I will create a sub-genre so specific that no one has taken the time to query: "what, I wonder, in this incredibly narrow field, is America's Favorite"? For instance:

America's Favorite Apple Cell Phone?
America's Favorite Ham-Flavored Soda?
America's Favorite Blog Dedicated To Preservation Of The Subjunctive Mood Which Never Mentions It After The First Post?

No, these have all got their markets cornered. I need something more original.
Maybe America's Favorite Spiked Jam. Not spiked, like with alcohol, but I'm thinking with real spikes. Not sure of the value-added benefit of spikes as yet, but I'm fairly certain that it can be labeled "America's Favorite!"

Another that fits the "And The Competition For This Is...?" category is something called "Unbridled," billed as "America's Favorite Equine Lifestyle Series."

Some Favorites, when you hear them, seem no-brainers. Like:
Starkist is America's Favorite Tuna.
Jeopardy is America's Favorite Quiz Show.

I know Chicken of the Sea is a tuna, but I would never argue it was as big as Charlie the Tuna. Big Tuna, indeed. But, here's the thing... Chicken of the Sea says that, while not "America's Favorite," it is "The Best." Which is the thing with calling yourself the favorite, right? It's often not a statement of quality so much as market share.

Now, here's one I might have to take issue with. Mahatma Rice is, apparently, "America's Favorite Rice!" Can this be true? I've never heard of it. Maybe it's a regional thing. But where's Uncle Ben's? Where's Minute Rice? These are the names that come to mind for me. Hmmm. I need to see the research on this one, as well.

Also:

Phantom is is America's Favorite Fireworks Company.
Yankee Baskets is is America's Favorite Basket Store.
Mama McNabb is America's Favorite Sports Mom.
Pam is America's Favorite Cooking Spray.
Laura Ashley is America's Favorite Lifestyle Brand (whatever that means).
Jack Hannah is America's Favorite Zoologist**.
Kokomo Jr. was America's Favorite TV Chimpanzee.
Giorgio is America's Favorite Mushroom.
The Legends Rock is America's Favorite Rock-n-Roll Comedy Show.

*They also make something called the Tastee Jelly Apple, which is "a New York Favorite." Sounds nasty. And anyone that knows me will tell you I'm not too discerning when it comes to refined sugars.
**While articles about him refer to him as such, I don't find where he actually calls himself this.

DPO5: "Graphics, J. Garner"

2007-11-02T12:15:00.001-04:00

Q: What do you call your mother's sister, who is a colorful CIA double-agent uniquely skilled at smoothing the jagged appearance of lines in graphics?

A: Auntie Alias.

What's a pun obscurae?

It's Life, Jim. But not as we know it.

2007-11-02T12:14:00.000-04:00

I wanna live
with a cinnamon girl
I could be happy
the rest of my life
With a cinnamon girl.
-Neil Young, "Cinnamon Girl"

So, I'm not allowed to do the shopping very often.

When I do do the shopping (yes, I just said do-do), I usually end up buying things not on the list. I tend to steer toward store-brand and generic items, as I am a bit of a cheapskate. Which is why I found myself investigating the price per ounce of every cereal in the aisle, instead of just picking up the 14 oz. Honey Nut Cheerios as instructed. As I drifted toward the Quaker end of things, I saw this:

and I thought "Are they serious? A cinnamon girl on the box of cinnamon cereal?"

Come on.

Perhaps this is unintentional. After all, the regular Life box cover has a boy with Asian features... maybe just a coincidence that occurred as a result of Cereal Box Diversity. And, of course, some would argue whether the girl in question is indeed cinnamon in tone. I am not one to make this call. By the way, I am generally in favor of incorporating a variety of ethnicities in product labeling.

But, again: come on.

Life has other flavors, too. They're not in all stores, but I was able to get a photo of the Chocolate Oat Crunch Life box cover:

Addendum #1: It seems that it is unclear that the Chocolate Life has a photo of Ray Nagin on its front, therein lying the humor.

Addendum #2: I asked a colleague if he'd seen "Cinnamon Life", and he said: "is that one of those urban magazines the kids read?"

New Favorite Word: Bioretention

2007-10-22T11:48:00.001-04:00

I was at a conference last week. The entire front of the conference center was torn up by construction of something called Bioretention facilities. Throughout the building were signs explaining the reason for the dust, all with BIORETENTION written as the large headline. As far as I can tell, it's a way to filter rainwater using environmentally-friendly, landscaped forms.

Well, "bioretention" is my new favorite word. As a teacher, it's a useful shorthand to explain the feeling you get on your no-plan day when lunch is overtaken by students doing makeup work, and you keep trying to head to the rest room, but something keeps interrupting.

"Mr. Morse? Are you OK? You seem awfully... um... tense?"

"It's fine, Charles. Just a touch of bioretention, is all..."

note: by far, the most popular post s on this blog are the ones on bathroom euphemisms.

DPO4: "The Office"

2007-10-17T21:39:00.000-04:00

Q: What should an employee of Dunder Mifflin keep in mind when going on a road trip?

A: Don't take Dwight's route.

(Not working for you? Say it out loud.
It may not make it funnier, but it will be louder.)

What's a pun obscurae?

Daily Pun Oscurae 3: Rap

2007-10-15T14:48:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking of a kind of hip-hop Batman reinvention, kind of a Dark Night Remixed. The protagonist?

Lil' [Bruce] Wayne

And, of course, when he says in the pilot episode that "nobody do it better than that distance d***", we know he's talking about D*** Grayson.

What's a pun obscurae?

Pun-itory Damage

2007-10-12T12:27:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start a series.
A daily series.
Do not laugh.
If this becomes daily like my podcast is weekly, you will see it about once a month.
We'll see. I'm keeping it simple, so maybe it'll work.
OK, so [drumroll] here it is:

The Daily Pun Obscurae

I realize the title would lead you to believe these are dark puns. But they're dark, as in "in the shadows". As in, if you're not hanging in this particular area of pop culture, these puns will make no sense. As in, if a title of a feature needs this much explanation, it's probably a crap title.

But, here's the thing. If you are into these things, I think the puns should be enjoyable. They will be bad, guaranteed. No knee-slappers in the bunch. Groaners, all. But I hope you can give props to someone who has these things in his head, then decides to share them, in the hopes that two people will see them and appreciate.

So, here we go. As I build a collection, maybe I'll try to organize them into categories. Play along. And check back tomorrow. Well, Monday.

Daily Pun Oscurae 2: Trek

2007-10-12T12:25:00.000-04:00

Context (n): The novelization of the film Star Trek II.

Daily Pun Obscurae 1: Heroes

2007-10-12T11:30:00.000-04:00

Q: Why did Niki Sanders purchase new kitchen countertops?

A: It was formica.

Stickin' It To The Man

2007-10-11T11:52:00.000-04:00

My video about Speedy Rewards Bonus Points is here.
Since you all have been asking.

SubPod2: Blends!

2007-02-11T21:18:00.000-05:00

Subjunctivitis Podcast Episode Two

The description of Subjunctivitis Podcast in iTunes calls it a "weekly."
Turns out, this is a lie.

In this episode:

Listener Feedback
Lousy French
A list of fun portmanteaux (sp?)
The childrens' book of blends
Unresolved audio level problems
Same lousy theme music

UPDATE: I've since listened to Reminissions, by the group Avenged Sevenfold (I misspoke in the post, calling them simply "Sevenfold). They're not half-bad. I still don't know what the song's about, though.

Subjunctivitis: The Podcast The premise of snow, billboards, irony and McDonald's

2007-01-08T15:08:00.001-05:00

Well, I've tried it. Not sure if I like it. But here is Episode One of the Subjunctivitis Podcast.

I'll be back in the next few days to spruce this post up, but I wanted to get it out there and make sure it's working. One big thing I need to address is why the file's so dang big. Maybe that's normal. I don't think so, though.

In this episode:

On Snowflakes and Stale Metaphors
Meet the New Sauce, same as the Old Sauce
Cracker Barrel Irony
"Pass It On" billboards
Premises, Premises

And now, another Word Chain for the Holidays (belated)

CHRISTMAS to NEW YEAR'S EVE
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS CAROLS
CAROL BURNETT
MARK BURNETT
MARK TWAIN
NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET
MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS
LOUIS ARMSTRONG
ARMSTRONG SUSPENDED CEILING
GLASS CEILING
BLOWN GLASS
BLOWN SPEAKERS
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
"HOUSE" ON FOX
FOX & THE HOUND
HOUND DOG
SNOOP DOGG
SNOOPY VS. THE RED BARON
RED BARON PIZZA
LITLE CAESARS PIZZA
CAESAREAN SECTION
SECTION EIGHT
EIGHT MEN OUT
TIME OUT
MORRIS DAY & THE TIME
NIGHT & DAY
NIGHT SHADOWS
SHADOWFAX
PHONE/FAX/COPIER
COPY MACHINE GUY
GUY SMILEY
SMILEY FACE
FACE/OFF
THE OFFICE
OFFICE SPACE
SPACE HEATER
PACINO AND DENIRO IN HEAT
NERO FIDDLED
FIDDLER CRAB
CRABBY PATTIES
TWO ALL-BEEF PATTIES
PATTI LABELLE
BELLE OF THE BALL
DISCO BALL
DISCO DUCK
DONALD DUCK
DONALD TRUMP
TRUMPET FANFARE
FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MAN
MAN IN THE MOON
RC COLA & A MOON PIE
THE UNCOLA
UNEMPLOYED
SELF-EMPLOYED
SELF-DESTRUCT
EVE OF DESTRUCTION
NEW YEAR'S EVE

My Podcast Alley feed! {pca-9672e0db80ea4247a8d7e5615a9798bb}

Be Our GuestRock Out Like /

2006-10-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

So, the new old thing for me is the Nordic Track. I've been watching movies whilst doing it, trying to take my mind off the searing side pain.

My first was a rewatching of Waiting for Guffman. It's hard enough to keep those ropes going in sync with the skis when you're not laughing... impossible when you're watching the mayor explain that Blaine is the Stool Capital of the World. Eminently scatological.

Tonight, a mere six days later, Christoper Guest enters my regimen again. As Nigel Tufnel, rocking out atop a VW, in a new ad for a buy-a-car-get-a-guitar promo (which I think is really dumb, but anyways). What the...? Apparently, he directed the vdubsrock ads, including the Slash one ("rock out just like Slash... if you're Slash"). I checked Youtube... no one's got it up, yet. Probably by morning.

And, For Your Consideration's coming out next month. That man is freaking everywhere.

!!!

2006-09-07T21:26:00.000-04:00

Holy cow.
This does not fit in any way the parameters of this blog, but I just gotta say.
I'm trying to work in one room, while a show called Celebrity Duets plays in the other. I can't take my eyes off it. Right this second, Clint Black and Cheech Marin are singing together, earnest as Sunday. Marie Osmond and Little Richard look on. It's a train wreck of High Cheese... I cannot turn away, and am crying from laughter. This is not Must-See TV (an oxymoron, to be sure), yet I submit it is Need-to-See-at-Least-Once TV.
Thanks.

Three Things

2006-09-06T20:49:00.000-04:00

Thing One
Scanning radio stations can result in scary fusions of top-of-the-hour news briefs. Yesterday morning, I got this:
Cathy Guisewhite, creator of the Cathy comic strip...was killed instantly when a barb from a stingray punctured...videos clad in lingerie.

Thing Two
Back to school means back to sharing a very small rest room with no ventilation. As I was completing a download, I contemplated creating a euphemism that roughly meant "Hey, I know it stinks in here. But it was like that when I came in!" Here's what I came up with:
Listen, I'm only adding embellishment to a symphony already written.

Thing Three
A recent parade led by firefighters revealed the following painted on the side of the fire engines:
Through these doors walks Whitehall's finest
Unless that sentence ends with "man" or "guy" or even "dalmatian", we've got an agreement problem.

Vacation Dispatch Two Wannabe Your Lover, Indeed

2006-08-17T14:40:00.000-04:00

Drove past a senior center with this on its marquee:

DINNER FOR
HO SPICE

Insert David Beckham joke here.

Vacation Dispatch OneCougar Sighting

2006-08-13T22:55:00.000-04:00

During the last few weeks away from the computer, I've amassed literally days of material for this blog, which will be meted out in small posts over the next year or so. Enjoy.

At the national park we recently visited, there was a sign warning us that we were in a cougar habitat, and that at any time one could pop up and eat our dog or child. It told us what to do if this happened ("throw sticks", "spread arms wide to appear bigger"), so it was cool.
That night, I had this dream:

The Dream I Had About The Cougar
by E"B"M

I was walking along the beach last night, and a cougar walked up to me.
"Hey," I said. "Must be a pain having all us tourists messin' up your place like we do."
"Well," he said. "I was born in a small town, so you know it hurts so good."
"Hey..." I said. "You're John Cougar! What are you doing in Empire, Michigan?"
"Same as you, man. Just ate me a couple toddlers, and now it's back to the campground where they grow all the honeydew and watermelons. You know, the Melon Camp."

Quoth the Ravin'

2006-07-23T20:40:00.000-04:00

OK, people.
Quotation marks have a number of important uses.

They let you know you're reading exactly what a person said.
"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."
—George Bush

They let you know you're reading the title of a short work.
Ambrose Bierce's "My Favourite Murder" was not made into a Diagnosis Murder episode.

They let you know the writer finds a term wack, skeptical, off-the-mark.
"Stars Are Blind" is the new single from model, "actress" and "singer" Paris Hilton.

And now, a reminder:
Quotation marks do not get used around portions of prepositional phrases. This is just crazy.
Last week, it was GOLD "BY THE" INCH at the fair. Today, from outside Silver Lake State Park, it's

PIZZA
HOT & FRESH
"FROM THE"
OVEN

Pardon my French, but what the crap, people? What is it about quotation marks that freaks us out so? Why do we feel the need to wrap random words in quotes? I've mentioned this before, but I must remind everyone that there are only so many of each character to go around. If we continue to make giant signs that say everything is "half" off (I go in the store, and everything is actually 25% off, and the lady does the air-quotes thing and says ""half" off... so not really! Get it? Hahaha!") and sides of buildings that advertise "TV's" "VCR's" "RADIO'S" "GREAT DEALS" "OPEN DAILY" we are going to run out. Then where will we be? Imagine this hellish scenario:

I was just reading The Purloined Letter, and I thought it was quite good.
You were reading a Purloined Letter? You thief! Give it back!
Whaaa...?
One can't run about purloining things, even if they are a good read. I'm very disappointed!
I mean Poe's The Purloined Letter!
I don't care whose it was, Mr. Random-Article-Adder. Just take it the back!

If folks keep overusing quote marks, we may have to resort to other punctuation:

(*Mr. Heathcliff?}; I said.
A nod was the answer.
#8Mr. Lockwood, your new tenant, sir. I do myself the honour of calling as soon as possible after my arrival, to express the hope that I have not inconvenienced you by my perseverance in soliciting the occupation of Thrushcross Grange: I heard yesterday you had had some thoughts...

//Thrushcross Grange is my own, sir,®§ he interrupted, wincing. ☮ðI should not allow any one to inconvenience me, if I could hinder it - walk in!^^¾ ¿

No one wants this to happen. It's up to all of us to keep the overuse of the quotation to a minumum. Due vigilance, compadres.

"Never Give In. Never, Never, Nev^^¾ ¿
-Winston Churchill

Rock the Vote. With Sugar On Top.

2006-07-19T22:11:00.000-04:00

There's a campaign sign around town:

PLEASE ELECT
TODD EDWARDS
COUNTY COMMISSIONER

I don't recall seeing many, if any, campaign posters that use the word "please".
On one hand, it seems polite. Nice. Friendly.
But on the other hand, and this is my dominant hand, it seems pleading. Needy. Sad.

Please.

For the love of God, elect me!

C'mon, please? Pleeeeze? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?

It's the only sign in town that pleads with us. There are many, and most either just say "Elect" or nothing at all.... just the person's name and office. I like this last one. I know the purpose of the signs are to suggest that I "Vote" for or "Elect" someone on Election Day. I doubt there is anyone who would see the yard sign:

TODD EDWARDS
COUNTY COMMISSIONER

and say "Hey, Commissioner Edwards lives there!"

So, don't look so needy, Todd. It's not cool.

*Hey, speaking of voting, the MIPA J-World site has a cute article about a very important election. Let your voice be heard!

True Story

2006-07-16T21:21:00.000-04:00

Went to the fair yesterday.
A guy had a booth, where he sold

GOLD

"BY THE"
INCH

I have nothing else to say about this.

Dodgy Logic

2006-07-10T22:21:00.000-04:00

I took my eight-year-old and five-year-old to the 3/8 mile paved oval track in the middle of the corn field down the way. We got to wear squishy dayglo earplugs, sit on a bleacher built during the Johnson administration, and eat hot dogs way after bedtime. Very fun.

During intermission, we checked out the "Souvenir Stand". To give you an idea of its appearance, I can tell you my five-year-old daughter's first question was:
"Is this a garage sale"?

It was quite the hodge-podge of merchandise. Some stuff from Oriental Trading Company for the kids (500% markup, natch), some Dale, Jr. wallets, some tin signs for the side of your garage that have the dixie flag and the words REDNECK BOULEVARD.
The one item that's stuck with me is the decal for your truck window that says:

THIS FORD EATS CHEVYS AND S***S OUT DODGES

Now, that's a statement that conjures an image. And it ain't pretty.

But more to the point, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not a science teacher. But we're led to believe that the guy's vehicle practices some magical alchemy that can change a vehicle it consumes into another make of vehicle?
OK, I get it.
Dodge=crap.
But it still doesn't work for me.
Like, I think I'm led to believe that a Chevy is better than a Dodge.
But the Chevy turns into a Dodge when eaten and pooped.
So, in the end, I've got a Ford and a Dodge, and no Chevy.

I don't know what this means. I'm just thinkin' out loud.
Or, maybe, over-thinkin' out loud.

All I know is that it'd be more helpful if I had a car that instead of s******g Dodges, dodges s***.

Dear Dr. Dean: Is There An Aftskin?-Nonplussed in Nantucket

2006-06-19T22:28:00.000-04:00

I stood, watching members of the class of 2006 enter the arena to receive their empty folders signifying that as soon as final grades are posted and the fine list is checked, they will officially be High School Graduates.

A colleague, feeling led by the somberness of the affair, said:

"Again with the Pomp and Circumcision."

Hm. Was this simply clever wordplay, or a serious commentary on the event? I was unsure how to respond. I thought of the appropriate response for a couple of seconds, and came up with:

"Yeah."

Which probably was read as something like "Yes, well played, my friend. Very clever!" though I really was just left confused.

Upon reflection, there are better ways I feel I could have responded. For instance, was he saying that the rite of commencement was a cutting away, of sorts, from family? Though it's a bit of a stretch, this reading kind of works for me. I like it. So maybe I stick with the theme and come back with:

"Yeah. They could be playing Prelude To A Bris."

Or maybe I acknowledge the pun, yet come back with what I find a more appropriate feel for the day:

"Yeah. More like Pomp and Circumspection."

Or maybe a withering comment that shows I do not appreciate the sullying of such a staid affair with such sophomoric punnery:

"Yeah, but now please commence zipping your lip."
"You know, you really put the dict in valedictorian."
"Yeah... now please move your tassel from right to shut up."

I am not happy with these. I'm fairly certain Groucho would turn away in disgust. I am open to suggestions.

Cheap Excuse For A Post

2006-05-23T22:14:00.000-04:00

And this is.

Please make a note of it.

Depp Impact

2006-05-15T20:10:00.000-04:00

I just watched The Secret Window last night. Actually, I slept through the middle 30 minutes, but I got the gist. I know, it's, like, two years old, but our Netflix queue has 190 movies in it and it just came up.

Anyhow, remember my reminiscence re: "I love you/Me too"?

In the movie, Johnny Depp's housekeeper says something like:

"You're a good man, Mr. Rainey."

And he replies:

"You, too, Mrs. Garvey."

That's all.

Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink

2006-05-14T20:43:00.000-04:00

I've got a school email account I rarely check. I only ever get spam. This was my inbox when I went in for my quarterly email dump:

I don't know Penny Lewis, but I really appreciate the sentiment.

Eupemisms can indeed be cumbersome.

Like "Talk to a man about a horse." What a mouthful. Just say you gotta pee.

On the other hand, euphemisms can be enjoyable. It is more fun to talk about Sam Hill than Hell. And I do appreciate the people who choose to yell "Judas Priest!" instead of invoking the name of Jesus. Unless they're invoking Rob Halford. Which I guess is possible.

There's the line from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where George asks:

"Martha, will you show her where we keep the... uh... euphemism?"

Good stuff, that.

Hey, it just occured to me. The hippos George & Martha, are they so named because of Edward Albee's play? Probably. Huh.

Good stuff, that.

So, Penny. I never did read your email. I just assumed that "euphemism cumbersome" was your way of saying that you had a line on some cut-rate penis-enlargement, and opted out.

And now that I think on it, that's actually a pretty apropos random phrase for spam-filter-evading software to pick for a title.

Good stuff indeed.

Getcher Motor Runnin'

2006-05-10T20:39:00.000-04:00

Local public radio told me today that "most crashes occur on two-lane roads, not highways."

Maybe I don't know what a highway is. In my mind, a highway is a two-lane road.

This is actually something that I've historically gotten confused. As I look up definitions, I find that there's not a ton of consensus, and some of the definitions depend on where you're from.

I've always gone with:

Freeway: uses on- and off-ramps. So the traffic flow is, like, free.
Expressway: same as a freeway, but bigger, and, maybe faster.
Highway: can be multiple lanes, can be limited-access, but can also be two-lane country roads. Two-lane country road is usually what I think of when I hear "highway". As in: "I grew up in a small town with a blinker light off Highway 46."
Parkway: no idea what this is.

As I did a little (very little) research, I found that many stories stating the "most crashes on two-lane roads" fact specify undivided two-lane roads, like the ones I'm thinking of. I guess the story I heard needed to specify this.

Maybe "highway" is too generic. How about a new word? Maybe just call the divided highways "high ways". You know, divided.

No, that's stupid. "Divideways"? Gack.

Never mind.

I &hearts I

2006-05-08T21:44:00.000-04:00

Jack Bauer saves the world.

Well, not yet. But he's close. There's still a crazy Russian out there.

Any-hoo. After many near-deaths, he comes in to the hospital room of his gal, and she says:

"I missed you."

He says:

"Me, too."

She says:

"You missed you, too?"

Not, really.

That last part I made up.

Now, I know this is a common thing.

I love you. Me, too.

I've always thought it weird, though.

You, too?

Thing One and Thing Two

2006-05-01T14:43:00.000-04:00

Thing the First
Arby's still doesn't list its new gyro on their site, so I continue to get 100+ people a day visiting. Also, this weekend I passed the Battle Creek Arby's marquee which reads:

TRY OUR MF GYRO

So, it must be a thing. Just not a very smart thing, IMHO.

Thing The Second
Jan Freeman's column this week includes a poll, to see how much of a prescriptivist you really are. She points out that my boy Ambrose threw down with some Rules back in the day, some of which now seem quite dated and laughable.

To which I say "Yeah, so?"

Go check it out and vote for yourself.

I'll even openly admit that I went with "oblique" on this one, and on further research, rather regret it.

9. ''On the photocopied sheet she gives students, Ms. Yamamoto includes guidelines that are _____ at first: 'Destroy many paintings,' ''Meditation is through Sumi-e, therefore long conversation is not allowed in class.'''
C. obscure
	64.0%
A. obtuse
	24.0%
B. oblique
	12.0%
Total votes: 25

Also Try The New Ellipsis Rooter

2006-04-27T18:28:00.000-04:00

Those responsible for this:

Need to get their hands on some of this:

Make Money Writing Kids' Books!

2006-04-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

First, if you're here about Gyros, click here. It's not what you're looking for, but you might laugh.

I've decided that the crowded kids-book market isn't that hard to crack, after all.
You just need a great idea, right?
All those out-of-work writers just aren't creative enough.
Because every kids' book I look at in the store is a revelation, rarely a recycling-of-tired-themes in the bunch.

So.

Not only do I have a great idea for a kids' book.
I have TWO great ideas.
And I'm sharing them with you.
For free.
You're welcome.

Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #1
Characters That Grow Old
I know. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? But it rarely happens. Yes, Harry Potter's aging, but I'm talking kids' books, here. Like Clifford. Not only is he no older than he was 40 (280) years ago, he's getting younger. Will Arthur ever make it to fourth grade? No. He won't.
Ostensibly, this is because we want Arthur et al to appeal to the next generation of third-graders. They become timeless.
I submit, though, that there is a market out there for characters we can grow up with. If Arthur's Glasses can help assuage fears of kids getting new specs, couldn't Arthur Finds Hair In Strange Places help them deal with those gawky tween years?
Answer: Yes, it could.
Now, I just have to come up with my own character. I'm thinking of starting out with a board book series featuring an anthropomorphized Howler Monkey named Charlie Howler. Some titles:

Howler's Friends
Howler at the Zoo
Howler Goes Zoom

In a few years, I release

Howler Rides a Bike
Howler and the Dentist
Howler and the Emergency Appendectomy

Titles to look for down the road include

Charlie Howler's SAT Study Guide
Charlie Howler at Sweet Valley University (see crossovers)
Mr. Howler and the Audit
Turkish Prison Blues (an Inspector Howler Mystery)
How Charlie Got His Groove Back
Howler's Colonoscopy
The Five People Charlie Meets In Heaven

Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #2
Crossovers
Coming soon.

Nu Mu Words (and Nu Mu Promises)

2006-04-24T11:17:00.000-04:00

First, if you're here about Gyros, click here. It's not what you're looking for, but you might laugh.

The day after my post about NuUnion's goofy name, a friend asked me if I'd caught a new Washington Mutual television ad. I'd never heard of them, but they have a few banks around the state, probably the result of a merger or acquisition.
Any-hoo.
They refer to themselves as "WaMu." Pronounced, Wah-Moo. Their tagline: "The WaMu Way."
It's kind of fun, and interesting that a bank would take on such a moniker. They're trying for the hipper, younger, fun-loving-er customer, I'd say.
They have an education rewards credit card called "WaMoolah."
Cute.
Now, they just need to merge with NuUnion and become:

WaMuNu.

or, NuWaMu?

Nu (No, it's Ni! Ni!)

2006-04-22T12:46:00.000-04:00

There's a new bank in town.
You ready for its name?
Drumroll.

NuUnion

OK, so it's a "Nu" Credit "Union". I get it.
But why "Nu"? Hipness? Probably, yes. Why else?
But is it a good idea to grab onto what I can only assume will be a short-lived trend?
Doesn't this strike anyone as, in five years, being so 2005?

They're not the only nu's out there. You've got:

Nu-Global (technology)
Nu Metro (South African theatre chain)
Nu Urban Music (urban music)

and more, I'm sure. But, a bank? Come on.

Granted, as a Greek letter, Nu's been around for awhile. And perhaps their nu moniker will attract some students from the local university. Whether they'll be opening an account or attempting to pledge Nu is yet to be seen.

Describing the move, their press release explains:

When the organization adopted the State Employees Credit Union name 53 years ago, it accurately described its membership. But today, less than 20% of its members are state employees. The organization chose the name NuUnion Credit Union to reflect the new kind of credit union its [sic] building for its membership -- one that combines more products and services families need with a long tradition of commitment to members, community, and service. The organization hasn't been bought, acquired in a merger, or lost its independence in any way.

It chose the name NuUnion to reflect their new kind of credit union. What, the pay-some-22-year-old-consultant-a-few-grand-to-come-back-with-"nu"-
as-a-makeover-concept? I see the pitch meeting just like all the meetings in Fox's The Loop, where the kid gets drunk the night before and comes up with his Grand Idea the second before it comes out of his mouth:

President [on speakerphone with ad agency]: OK, kid, whatcha got?
Joey [who has spent the first part of the meeting eating Bunny Basket Eggs, and has to respond with his mouth full]: Nuu?
President: New? Are you kidding me? How much're we paying this guy? My four-year-old could write this crap! Come on!
Joey [scrambling]: Uh, no. Sir! It's, uh, Nu! N-U. Like the Greek letter! As in, history! And Nu is very now, as well. Everybody's doing it. Nu this, nu that... it's fresh, trust me! So it's old... and new! Just like your bank!
President [after dramatic pause]: Crap, kid, you've done it! NU! Of course! It's brilliant!

A thought: NuUnion's website should use the NU domain. I checked: nuunion.nu is still available.

Year? Oh...

2006-04-20T15:13:00.000-04:00

My hits have nearly doubled in the last two days.
Word must be out! SPASTIC is the place for quality word-nerd action!

Nope.

They're clicking on me because I'm the #2 hit in Google when you search "Arby's Gyro". Search "arby's gyro sandwich" (as some do) and I'm #1.

Since the Arby's site has no info at all on their new offering (probably a Michigan test market thing), my post on their effing signage gets top billing. Maybe someone searching for gyro info will stick around and read my March Is Reading Month post, of which I was quite proud.

Or not.

Bunny Basket Egg Cinquain

2006-04-18T12:24:00.000-04:00

Just polished off a bag of 1/2-off Easter candy.
The final piece was my favorite flavor.
Karmic bliss, spurring me on to a quick poem.

Sugar
Pure, Refined
Bite, Revel, Adore
Last one; it's white
Sweet!

Putting the FU in SNAFU

2006-04-17T12:09:00.000-04:00

My problems decrypting* abbreviations have been documented. But here's one I found to be a stumper. My wife and I pulled into Arby's yesterday to see this on the marquee:

TRY OUR MF GYRO

Says I: "What do you think the MF stands for?"

While the obvious, yet slightly inappropriate, answer to the question loomed in our minds, we scoured the building for clues. A full-color banner proclaimed "New Roast Beef Gyro!" No, that would be an "RB GYRO".
We tried talking it out:

Hmmm,
Most Fabulous?
Magically, um, Flavored?
(trying to sneak up on it) Mmm...marble...uh...fff... uh, fff.. forget it. It makes no sense.

I decided that MF(in') Gyro! was actually not a bad name for a sandwich.

Today, I googled "MF Gyro" and got diddly. The Arby's site doesn't mention it. But, I think I figured it out. They've got a line of sandwiches called "Market Fresh". That must be it.

Note to Arby's: Your Market Fresh line isn't well-known enough to initialize. And if it ever does become well-known, I don't know if "MF Sandwiches" has the ring you're looking for.

If Arbys' corporate is reading this, you should call the Arby's in Coopersville and ask them to change their MF sign.

*de·crypt tr.v. de·crypt·ed, de·crypt·ing, de·crypts
1. To decipher.
2. To dig up (see mummy,).

The First 100 Pages Book Review

2006-04-11T14:15:00.000-04:00

I don't get much chance to read. I grab paragraphs while shaving and brushing my teeth, while completing a download. When I'm reading a book I enjoy, I think about the review I might write when I finish. But I often don't finish. When I do, I've forgotten why I really liked it as I was reading it.

So, I'm reading a book and I want to tell you about it. It may have a crappy ending, I don't know. But I'm 100 pages in, and it's swell.

It's called The Big Over Easy, and I think it was pretty much written for me. One of those books I think I'd write if I and my family were willing to give up the public-school-teacher-lifestyle to which we've become accustomed while I quit my job and sit alone with my laptop waiting for inspiration and movie deals to descend.

This book is dang clever. The premise: Detective Investigator Jack Spratt works for the Nursery Crimes Division of the police force. If a crime is committed involving characters from Mother Goose, fables or myth (characters with real lives outside of their stories), he's the guy you call.

It's what I used to call a "potboiler", which I thought was synonymous with "gritty, pulpy" until I found out that potboiler referred to a book an author cranks out to keep the franchise rolling (pot boiling). So it's not a potboiler. It's Hammett-esque.

I'd spell out the plot, but I'm only 100 pages in. I do know that Humpty Dumpty's been killed. He was a womanizing drunk involved in shady financial dealings, and someone bumped him off (the wall).

Why I like this book:

pg. 58, description of how things usually go down in the NCD:
...There's usually a rule of three somewhere. Either quantitative, as in bears, billy goats, blind mice, little pigs, fiddlers, bags of wool or what-have-you, or qualitative, such as small, medium, large, stupid, stupider, stupidest. If you come across any stepmothers, they're usually evil, woodcutters always come into fame and fortune, orphans are ten a penny, and pigs, cats, bears and wolves frequently anthropomorphize.

See? Beautiful.

pg. 76, they meet constable Tibbit, a fellow raised on wordplay. (longer, but worth it)
"...Sergeant Mary Mary, pleased to meet you."
The young officer thought for a moment. "Arrange a...symmetry."
"Pardon?"
He didn't answer for a moment, then said
"Many...martyrs agree."
"Are you OK?"
"Of course! It's an anagram. The trick is to make them make sense. I could have give you 'my matey arrangers' or 'my artery managers' but they sort of sound like anagrams, don't you agree?
...
"Tibbit. It's a palindrome. Easy to remember."
"First name?"
"Otto. Palindrome as well. Sister's name is Hannah. Father liked word games. Fourteen times world Scrabble champion. When he died, we buried him at Queenzieburn to make use of the triple word score. He spent the better part of his life campaigning to have respelt those words that look as though they're spelt wrongly but aren't."
"Such as?"
"Oh, skiing, vacuum, freest, eczema, gnu, diarrhea, that sort of thing. He also thought that 'abbreviation' was too long for its meaning, that 'monosyllabic' should have one syllable, 'dyslexia' should be renamed 'O' and 'unspeakable' should be respelt 'unsfzpxkable.'

Since I started writing this a week ago, I've gotten 50 more pages, so I've added
pg. 148, where our heroes meet suspect Lord Spongg.
"Thank you for seeing us, Lord Spongg-" began Mary, but Spongg interuppted her.
"Just 'Spongg' will do, Sergeant. I don't use my title much, but the first 'g' is short and the second 'g' long. Let it roll around for a bit before you let it go."
"Sponggg?"
"Close enough. Just put the brakes on a little earlier and you'll be fine."

That's all I got. A post of almost-all-copied text, very little insight or critique. It feels cheap, but there it is.
This is the first book in author Jasper Fforde's new series. Before this, he wrote a mystery series called Thursday Next, which I plan to check out.

cc: New York Times Book Review

Emoticon Typo Commits Area Woman To Second Date

2006-04-07T07:59:00.000-04:00

I've spoken before on my disdain for emoticons. Here is a wonderful meditation on these nuisances.

Wordplay on Uranus

2006-04-03T08:57:00.000-04:00

Why is it Uranus never ceases to amuse?
(I mean it. This is still funny to me.)

Say Anything...

2006-04-01T10:11:00.000-05:00

A local one-stop supermarket offers a photo lab, barber shop, tailor, and CPAs in addition to its groceries, TVs, clownfish and Lion Bars.
Walking in today, I noticed a banner for the tailor:

WE ALTER ANYTHING!

I inquired within.

Anything? Truly?

Sure, yes. You bring it in.

Like, how about time and space?

...

Or, what about endings? Because I just saw The Final Cut with Robin Williams and I really liked it, but the end came and I was like huh? I may have been dozing a bit, but it seemed really abrupt, and even though my wife explained what she thought happened, I still was like I don't know, if that's what they wanted me to get out of it, I don't think they set it up well enough, 'cause I missed it. So, can you alter that?

...!

OK, how about altars? I don't know if altars ever need altering, but I just thought that would be funny.

.

[walks to back of store. does not return.]

OK, then. Uh, thanks. I'll just, uh, head out to the rest of the store and get my sashimi.

My encounter left me with more questions than answers. Did the employee not speak English? What happened in the back room that she didn't return? Is she OK? Should I have checked on her, or alerted a manager? And I'm still unclear on what exactly they alter.

Hm. Tomorrow, I'm headed over to the car dealer. Apparently, if I can push, pull or drag anything to him, he's going to give me $2,000. I'm assuming day-old sashimi will qualify.

An Open Letter to Mr. Willy Wonka

2006-03-28T12:21:00.000-05:00

March 26, 2006

Mr. Wonka:

I recently purchased your Laffy Taffy_® product and thought you should know that the product packaging did not live up to its usual high standards.

Namely, I found that the jokes made no sense at all. Joke #91, from Nicole P of Kingman, AZ asks:

"What happened to the wind?"

The answer (under flap) given is:

"It blew away."

Now, I'm sorry.

But I think I'm a half-way intelligent person. For example, I have a blog. I spent some time with this punchline, trying to make it work. Maybe, I thought, "away" is wordplay, and it's meant to be heard as two words: "It blew a way." A way where? Home? To the store? I don't know, I need more information. And either way, it's not funny.

My riddle for you is this:

What happened to the wind joke?
It blew.

See what I did there? I took the double-meaning of "blow" and worked it so I made fun of your wrapper.

But, wait.

Is it possible, Mr. Wonka, that the wind joke is actually a very concise Shaggy Dog Story? A joke with no punchline at all, in effect, making it quite funny, in an absurdist vein?

Now that I think on it, Joke #91's a cracker, to be sure. I hadn't expected such a high level of humor from your company, therefore wasn't looking hard enough. I say, well done. Well done, indeed.

Having thought this through, I will withhold comment on Christy M.'s Joke #92 about the cow jumping over the moon, which I found dreadful, but I see now it may just need a good rethinking.

Sincerely,

Eric "Babe" Morse
President, SPASTIC

Donna? Read! Lou? Read!Everybody Read!

2006-03-22T11:10:00.000-05:00

A couple years ago, my family moved to The Country. Our first visit to our son's elementary school let us know we weren't in the City no more. At the front entrance, a large cutout of Jeff Gordon waved to us. A word balloon instructed us to "Race Into Reading!" The rest of the school was NASCAR'd as well, with models and stickers and flags and books on racing. The first book order, he came home with a Dale Jr. punch-out book.

As I mentioned recently, March is Reading Month. The structure (can it reach snowclone status?) X Into Reading is ubiquitous, as schools struggle to find new and interesting school-wide themes. Just a quick Googling uncovers schools who:

Dive into Reading
March into Reading
Step into Reading
Dip into Reading (ice cream theme)
Rocket into Reading
Tune into Reading
Race into Reading
Escape into Reading
Get Clued In To Reading (with Inspector Digit!)

It's got to be tough for those Media Specialists who each year have to come up with the cool, motivational theme. Well, folks, never fear. Reading Month 2007 is taken care of. Bookmark this page and check back next year. Feel free to steal any of these ideas. Any attribution to SPASTIC, LLC would be appreciated.

TREK INTO READING
It's Kirk. He's reading Suess' Oh, The Places You'll Go!. The whole month, the hallway is plastered with planets as kids read more and more books. For every 100 books read, the principal gets on the PA and does his Bones impression: "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a librarian!" Every kid that reads a certain number of books gets plastic Spock ears as a prize. Could be fun...
Here's a quick mockup of a hallway poster:

SLIDE INTO READING
Baseball theme? Playground? Nope. How about a tribute to White Castle Sliders? Little square pieces of paper covering the halls with book titles kids have read written on them. The classroom with the most books read gets a field trip to the nearest Castle, as well as a visit from the Indian in Harold and Kumar (I don't remember if he played Harold or Kumar). If school meets goal, the principal gets "steamed" in all-school assembly. Bonus if you can work in very small amounts of diced onion.

TAP INTO READING
This, of course, would be a month-long Tribute to the '80s heavy metal supergroup Spïnal Tap. Many books on Druids would be made available, as well as Ten Little Indians: Special Edition (the one that goes to eleven) and the Illustrated Book of Saints, which includes the oft-neglected Saint Hubbins. The month could culminate in a staged retelling of the Billy Goats Gruff, with a giant inflatable goat's head that, unfortunately, stands a good chance of deflating and suffocating a few children.

SCHLEP INTO READING
Matisyahu beat boxes softly over the PA every morning as students enjoy 20 minutes of Sustained Meditative Reading. Motivational Reading Month posters could include such icons of the Jewish faith as Madonna and Ashton Kutcher. For the goyim in the house, Fiddler on the Roof and Laverne and Shirley would be playing on a loop in the cafetorium. As students complete books, Estelle Costanza and Helen Seinfeld tell the kids they could just plotz, they're so proud, but isn't Arthur a little easy for you? Why not more of a challenge? What's wrong with a Nancy Drew once in awhile?

Don't Speak. Me Know What You're Thinking.

2006-03-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

Just tea for two
And two for tea
Just me for you
And you for I...

So, I hate to disclose the fact that I'm exercising.
But I am.
Well, I am trying.

I'm Gazelle-ing. The Gazelle^TM is sort of like a flying NordicTrack^TM. You sort of feel like Fred and Barney as they take off in their car, feet spinning wildly until finally they gain traction and speed off. Except with the Gazelle^TM, you're just always flailing about in space.

Anyhow, the guy that makes the Gazelle^TM is Tony Little, and he yells at me on his "butt-kickin' workout" that I Can Do It and that if I Believe, I Will Acheive. He's kind of crazy, but he's actually quite likeable. I'm kind of getting into the Gazelle^TM scene, though I really don't feel like I'm working as hard as when I do things where I'm touching the ground. But I think that may be the Point.

So, I'm in the groove, Zero G Flailing. And every seven minutes or so, Tony says:

"In the privacy of your own home, just you and I"

I do a little convulsive twitch that throws my rhythm all off. One leg hitches up, the machine tilts crazily, and I am nearly tangled in the Aircraft Grade Cabling.

Tomorrow, I'm going to watch Tony with the volume off. I'll play my own soundtrack: a thumping groove with some William Safire samples thrown in. It's my New York Techno.

My Green For The Day(it's not what you'd think)

2006-03-17T05:48:00.000-05:00

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

-Kermit The Frog

--------------------------------------------

Dr. Suess had a birthday. Not coincidentally, it is Reading Month... four short weeks for lesser-known children's book writers to cash in on the lucrative Elementary School Meet & Greet market.

What do you mean, we can't get Rowling? How about the 3rd Rock From the Sun guy? Crap. Jenny, didn't your brother write a kids' book? It was a cereal jingle? Close enough! Get him on the phone! We need Authors! Now! No, April's too late! MARCH is Reading Month! In MARCH, we read!

So it is that I've been reflecting on Suess. I always think of him as this funny, smart guy who knew how to get down on the floor and look a kid in the eye and just play with him. But he also knew how to make a kid think... with a little help from a parent, he opened the door to discussions about anti-semitism, racism, and the environment.

In thinking of Ted, I also think of another childhood hero, Jim Henson. Here's another guy who knew how to talk to kids, and slip in something More without preaching. Following is a poor excuse for Poetry, but it's my small attempt to process what I've been feeling since I saw a Super Bowl commercial with Kermit.

Untitled
In a time not long ago
Things were different from today
We needed stories of Sneetches and Whos
To help show people the way.

These simple stories showed those who would hear
How silly it was to be uncertain and fear
The things that make Peter different from Paul
And that a person's a person no matter how small.

Alongside these stories that taught
What kindness can mean
Came a similar character
Though smaller, and green.

Kermit the Frog was his name
And like Horton and others
He simply taught of injustice,
And respect for your Sisters and Brothers.

Kermit turned 50 last year,
For that long Mr. the Frog's been adored.
To celebrate this milestone
He made a commercial for Ford

It must have somehow seemed right to
Use It's Not Easy Being Green,
A song about intolerance,
To pitch an SUV.

Sure, the car that he's endorsing
Is all tree-huggy-hippie, but there's doubt:
Would Kermit's dad (Jim)
Have allowed him to sell out?

This rhyme, it goes on
(I'm long past laconic)
My point, I guess, it this:
Isn't it ironic?

I'm just sad, I suppose
To see Henson^TM get caught
Sucking up to Big Bucks
For, I fear, they've truly lost the plot.

Maligner Notes

2006-03-13T00:19:00.000-05:00

I learned a new word today. Well, new usage for a word. And it's not a hard one. And I hope you don't think me naive for not having known this. But I feel better now that this gap in my vocabulary has been spackled.

Regarding the (newly-dead) Slobodan Milosevic, Condi Rice said this weekend that he was

"one of the most malign forces in Europe in quite a long time."

Huh.
I've never thought of malign as an adjective. "Malignant", yes. But there it is in the dictionary. Harmful, evil, mean. Yup.

Huh.

Flat-out Wrong?

2006-03-09T10:30:00.001-05:00

Recently, my local paper ran this headline:

Online course to help kids think global

My first thought is, surely they mean globally. Adverbs, hello?

But then the doubts come.

Am I being a Neanderthal Prescriptivist Looney, taking issue with this?
Perhaps there's no problem, the doubting voice calls. Isn't this the same as "Think Different", where we were told that there was a thing that existed called the "Flat Adverb", and maybe people have started clipping the -ly from "globally", and that's perfectly OK?

Google finds lots of “Think Global”s, but I want to believe that many of these fall into structures like “…those that think global warming is a bunch of hype…”

But there’s a good amount of adverb-flatteners out there. Thinkglobal2005.org sought to "explore the impact of globalization on your way of life..." ThinkGlobal magazine covers international trade topics. Also, metroblogging.com tells me to "Think Global. Blog Local". It seems that Think Global, Act Local is a pretty big slogan out there; it shows up a lot.* I don’t know if anyone in particular owns it.

But here’s the thing.

I’m much more inclined when I’m resting.

Hang on, that last sentence got away from me.

I’m much more inclined to be OK with a tagline that uses a Flat Adverb. Think “Local”. Think “Power”. Think “Pink”. But saying “X Thinks Global” in a newspaper headline is saying this is how we talk. And I don’t think we do, yet.

Do we?

*Globecitizen.com tells me that "This is some of my observations and analysis of the Global Village I live in..." I find this helps my case.

PS: I’m finding I like Jason Mraz. But, can I buy a vowel for that last name? It’s like those fantasy names I never know how to pronounce, like “Fendthrrjl”.

Ah? So.

2006-03-06T13:47:00.000-05:00

I just gave a design test, where students had to create an ad for a refreshing beverage. I gave them the image (lime splashing in cool, clear water) and the headline:

Aaaaaaaaaah!

As they are turning in the finished project, and I'm seeing the headline in 150 point type, I realize that there is a difference between

Aaaaaaaaah!

and

Ahhhhhhhhh!

One is contented. The other is running away in terror. I've made a note of it.

Memos Def

2006-03-01T22:22:00.000-05:00

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage
First, someone has accidentally been printing papers that have
DIES TEVEDIE
written in 72 pt. Garamond to my Laserjet (is this Latin? Yiddish?). If this your document, I have a stack of them for you to pick up. Also (and it pains me to say this), I'm afraid I found an AP Stylebook stuck in my shredder this morning. It must have accidentally been dropped there by the night custodian. If you are missing yours, I will gladly buy you a new one. And I am sorry for your loss.

Now.

Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback on my recent series of memos regarding usage. Even though you don't say it to me in person, I can tell that they've gotten eveyone's blood pumping. In that vein (tee-hee!), I've come across another trend.

Please remember:
Even if I spend time both in New York and London, it does not make me a transponder.
A Transponder is also not a sportscar.

Oh, and related: please, please refrain from calling Trans Ams "trannies". No one says this. And it gets us on some very strange mailing lists.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

Nothin' But A G* Thang

2006-02-27T20:39:00.000-05:00

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage

We are supposed to be the people folks look to for nuggets of languagey goodness. We need to be examples to the teeming masses yearning to speak well. But lately, we've been really steppin' in it.

To wit:
You will not find dipthong in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

*(string)

A memo, random

2006-02-24T14:03:00.000-05:00

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage

Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being used incorrectly. Here's the thing: it's fun to pepper our speech with fun words. Just double-check if unsure of its use. If we all work together on this, we can begin to create a new usage paradigm.

To wit:
Teutonic is not a drink.
It also does not mean hair gel abuse.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

A Clarification

2006-02-23T15:23:00.000-05:00

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage

Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being bandied about with reckless, um, ambandon (note to self: check root of "bandy" and "abandon". Connection?).

Just because the word sounds right, there's a chance you're a bit off.

To wit:
Canonical does not concern things related to cannons.
It also does not mean having to do with cameras.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

Should I Expect More From A Place That Can't Figure Out How To Make A Round Hamburger Patty?

2006-02-20T18:49:00.000-05:00

To Do Is To Be.
-Neitszche
To Be Is To Do
-Kant
Do Be Do Be Do
-Sinatra

Just Do It.
-Nike adman

Daddy didn't do her.
-Some doctor on House.

Duuude...
Sean Penn, before he lost his sense of humor

Do.
It connotes action and forward movement. As a verb meaning "engage in", the word is usually followed by a noun or pronoun object, telling us what it is, exactly, that is about to be done.
As in:

1: Well, I'm off to do my taxes at the place where the lady dresses up like Uncle Sam and stands out by the street in the cold wearing a sandwich board and smoking!

2: Can you do this for me? The problem with sticky traps is that when mice get caught, they are inconveniently alive, and still must be murdered!

3: I've told you before, oh, you can't do that.

Wendy's has recently been flipping how we do "do". They've taken a page from Burger King's Packaging Playbook and put writing all over the stuff holding their food.
My recent Diet Dew did this Do:

DO fresh long after most places have put fresh to bed.

It goes on from there about how nice it is that they're open late with tasty fare.
At the bottom of the paragraph is their tagline:
DO WHAT TASTES RIGHT™

Text continues on other containers, as well.
On my chili, I'm told to:
DO slow-simmered.

So, it's "Do Adjective". Except when it's not.
Their website tells me to
DO a real hamburger.

Not an adjective, but still doesn't line up with our understanding of what do does. This, in fact, is more the usage of "do" in "do her", which, IMHO and ITOODAW*, I would consider slang. And, this makes the image of one doing a hamburger more American Pie than Wendy's may wish.

Of course, picking on advertisers for using slang is like picking on Jessica Simpson for being an airhead.**

But, still. If we don't make a stand, and say Hey! What are you up to, here, Buddy? aren't we saying to our kids that you can Do This when This = Any Old Word You Dang Well Please? Well, put me on the record as having Spoken. FWIW.

This is reminiscent of the dust-up over Apple computer's "Think Different" campaign, where folks were upset over their apparent ignoring of adverbian codes. They claimed they were doing differently, using "different" as a state of mind. Like, Think Pink. Or, Think Spring. According to spinsters,*** it's actually "Think [thoughts that are] Different." Whether or not you saw it as another example of style as an excuse to confuse gradeschoolers and ESL students, the hubbub on that one died pretty quick.

And the hubbub on this one? It's pretty much just me. And, actually, I'm already tired of talking about it.

*In The Opinion Of Dictionaries As Well
**there's no point, and you just end up looking like a prude.
***this, not this.

For Your Consideration...

2006-02-20T16:29:00.000-05:00

This observation from guest columnist ACoolKid:

Spotted on a file cabinet near the Reinsurance department:

"Please be considerate of those around you when
using these cabinets for the noise level."
-Thank You

I had never considered using cabinets for the noise level.
But once you get started, the possibilities are endless!

I'm thinking about going all STOMP! on 'em. I think
they'd appreciate my consideration.

MORE DISTRACTING!

2006-02-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

Maybe I'm just way off, here. In the past, I've talked about how nonparallel structure in ad fragments annoys me ((I wanted these little tagline snippets to be called frag tags. It didn't catch on). This is probably a petty peeve. It's not even breaking any real rule, as far as I know. It just sounds bad to me.

Ads for The Amazing Race shout this at me:

MORE EXOTIC!
MORE ADVENTURE!
MORE AMAZING!

Does this bug anyone?

Exotic, amazing, adjectives. Adventure, noun.
When I hear the hardcore voice-over guy trying to get my adrenaline pumping, my brain stops to think more adventure? Don't they mean adventurous? and I don't think they want me stopping to think.

It's probably just me.

Wendy's is doing it, too. It was bugging me yesterday as I read my cup, but now I can't remember what it said. I'll have to score a Diet Dew tomorrow and update the post with their vexing verbiage.

Pining for the Ford

2006-02-13T06:24:00.000-05:00

Lisa Loeb told me that I say she only hears what she wants to.
Well, Lisa, to my ownself I must be true.

Because I'm in classic only-hear-what-I-want-to mode.

"What we essentially have here is an old-fashioned, not always convincing B picture with A-list stars."
"A passable distraction. Nothing more."
"As we watch Ford reprise his trademark mannerisms, we no longer enjoy the ring of familiarity. We just hear the tolling of a bell -- Ford's."
"Harrison Ford needs a better agent."

But, wait. There it is:

"It kept me alert, terrified and royally entertained."
-Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER

Yes! Royally entertained! A-list stars! Passable distraction!
I am so there.

Down Wit Wit

2006-02-01T06:53:00.000-05:00

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker's birthday Jan. 22 gave me reason to reflect again on what many see as a profound loss of intelligence and wit in our popular culture. We could try to dissect this thesis, argue as to its causes, or nominate worthy heirs to the modern Throne of Wit (can I get a Steve Martin? A Woody Allen?), but I don't have any real opinion... I just know that when I hear people from Days Gone By talk, they sound more intelligent, more fun to hang with.

We are definitely living in a different age. Video games get much of the blame for the dulling of our edges, and I tend to hang with this idea. I can think of many a time when I could have:

a) read a book
b) written in my journal
c) played Snood on Evil setting for the four millionth time

and chosen, you guessed it:

d) downloaded the latest Ask A Ninja podcast.

Where are the Twains (To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology.), the Grouchos (I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.), the Menckens (After all, all [Shakespeare] did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.)?

To encapsulate a person's lifetime of thinking into a pithy quote is overly simplistic, yes. But that the thinkers of the Algonquin Round Table and others of generations past can generate so many quotable quotes has to be worth something. Who do we look to for insight? In 50 years will we be looking back at our era and quoting the Sandlers (You eat pieces of s*** for breakfast?), the Pitts (Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed), the Cruises (I want a world without war, a world without insanity. I want to see people do well)?

I realize looking to pop culture stars for wisdom isn't quite a fair comparison... if wisdom-seekers from the future only took lines from Golden Age actors, the fare may not be much better. But a quick look at Bette Davis (Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.) and Humphrey Bogart (Things are never so bad they can't be made worse.) show a couple folks who thought before they spoke.

Sigh.

Maybe I just don't pay attention to current talkers. I'm sure what I long for is still out there. William Safire (Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.) has got some stuff to say. So does Anna Quindlen (I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.). Will it hold up 50 years from now?

I'm sure future generations will look to the collected wisdom of many contemporary authors. But we need only return to Ms. Parker to be reminded of what a deft wit truly sounds like:

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things.

My Short List Of Words That I Have Used In Writing But Would Be Slightly Embarrassed To Use In Conversation

2006-01-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

Titular
Penal
FAQ (when I first saw this term, I pronounced it in my head as two words, "Fa" and "Q". I don't think I've ever said it out loud)
Hoary
Bestiary
Sects
Crapulence
Shiitake
Ball Movement
Fug
Overread
Most of Ian Fleming's Bond Girl Names

et vous?

I Would Die 4 U

2006-01-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

A year or so ago, University of Pittsburgh linguist Scott Kiesling published a paper breaking down the usage of “dude”. It was quite the topic in media for a week, then went away.
And now, a year later, I’m thinking about it again.

Probably because I'm reading Slam Dunks and No-Brainers: Language in Your Life, the Media, Business, Politics, And, Like, Whatever, in which Leslie Savan deconstructs "pop language" like "dude".

And because I say "dude".
A lot.
There are many contexts for the word, but I only really use it in one way. I draw it out.
Duuude.

Kiesling says “dude” can be:

A greeting ("What's up, dude?")
An exclamation ("Whoa, Dude!")
Commiseration ("Dude, I'm so sorry.")
Agreement (Dude, yes)
Surprise (Dude!)
Disgust (Dude)

My dude fits the surprise/disgust/exclamation category, I suppose. As in:

“I just got back from Grandma’s Boy. It was awesome!”
“Duuuuuude.”

Naturally, this got me thinking about how many U’s to actually put in the drawn-out “dude”. I just used six. Is that about right? One more, perhaps?

I went to Googlefight to see what others were up to.
Consensus: There is none. The folks at AP Style have definitely not weighed in on this one. Folks kind of just randomly lay on the U key. There is no standard here.

First, I found that two U's is not enough drawing-out. Three U’s beats two U’s hands-down:

Beyond that, I find, as I add more and more U's to my search, that the number slowly trends downhill. At times, though, there's a jump up. For instance, there are 3,000 more duuuuuuuuuuudes than duuuuuuuuuudes.
There is a threshold, though. After 11 U's, there is a huge drop:

Then the number hovers around 500 or so, until finally, at 31 U’s (duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude), it drops to 217. It goes back up and down for awhile after that, then levels out to between 25-75 hits for dudes with between 40-60 U's. At 65 U’s, I’m down to two hits.
I'm gettin' down there now, I think. I add the extra U, and crap! 60 hits.
72 U’s is the first search to give me only one hit. It’s: http://www.quizilla.com/users/tailsfangirl/quizzes/Random

It reads, in part:

Hi mi name ish !11!BOB!!!1! huu ru?
-Goodbye!
-Cuu cuu cachu
-Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude
-Hi.

73 U’s is the first "duuude" to give me no hits.

I decide that if I can get Google to return no results five increments in a row, I’ll declare a winner in the longest-dude contest. At 94 U’s, I get one hit. Then nothing. And nothing. And nothing. Then five hits.
Crap.

At 126 U’s, Google tells me to try a shorter word, it’s finished. It quits.
So, due to hitting the Googlewall, the winner is:
Killgore, in his(?) 2004.02.15 post on Poweranime.com. The complete transcript of the post follows:

KILLGORE: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE

The post seems to be part of a thread of folks trying to post the longest “Dude”.

Huh. Who in heck would find that interesting?

F. Oh, and N. And S.

2006-01-09T07:34:00.000-05:00

WARNING: "Kids These Days" Rant to follow.

In 1961, Barry Mann had a hit with a song that thanked doo-wop songwriters for their ability to set the mood for love:

Who Put the Bomp
by Barry Mann

Who put the bomp
In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong?
Who put the bop
In the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
Who put the dip
In the dip da dip da dip?
Who was that man?
I'd like to shake his hand
He made my baby
Fall in love with me (yeah!!)

Over the holiday, I helped my nephew load music onto his new iPod Shuffle. I previewed some of the music. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked to hear what the kids are listening to.

OK, not really shocked. But it put back into my brain again how much uninspired, purely-for-shock-value dreck is out there, in the mainstream. What would Mr. Mann pen today?

Who Put D*ck
by Barry Mann

Who put the d*ck in the Baby, s*ck ** d***
Who put the f*** in the f*** the f*** the f***
In the ho in the pimp my ho da ho
Who put the f*** in the d*** a f*** a s***
Who was that man?
I'd like to f*** his ****
He f*** my n*****
s*** the f*** to f*** (s***!)

I know I sound like a prude (which, I believe, is a rude prune).
But where is there any value in a young man shouting that he's going to "F a N up"?

Sigh.

I know:
If it's to loud, you're too old.

But it's not the volume.
It's the f****** s*** n**** a*q* **zz* f***.

Christmas Reflections IV:Thanks for Comin' Round

2005-12-22T05:40:00.000-05:00

A few places in blogville (I like this better than "blogsphere"... it's more homey) have been discussing the Christmas X, and its historical place in X-Mas. I'd known for years that it wasn't meant as a slight, but the background is quite interesting.

I never get too hung up on the semantics of the Season. Not like our state Senate, who passed a resolution making sure we call the state tree a Christmas Tree, dangit. Get the important stuff out of the way first, I always say.

Sure, some folks get riled up (redundant? Can one get riled down?) when others try to slip a shot of Jesus into their eggnog. Hey, if you can't get riled at the holidays, when can you? I mean, really.

You know, not too long ago it was flipped. People were concerned about making sure Jesus was in everything at Christmas. I don't have this as point of fact, I just use the lyrics from the old chestnut (redundant? new chestnut, anyone?) Here Comes Santa Claus:

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
Pullin' on the reins
Bells are ringin', children singin'
All is merry and bright
Hang your stockings and say your prayers
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!

A nice fusion of Faith and Fancy, I think. We can only hope the kids are praying for World Peace, and not the Power Rangers Dino Thunder Battlized Arm Extender (which is what I'm shootin' for).

Later in the song, we learn that:

Peace on earth will come to all
It we just follow the light
So let's give thanks to the Lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight!

We at SPASTIC have no problem with this tune. It's adorable. It is what it is. But can you imagine someone writing it today? Chances are slim it'd hit the Christmas Number One (go, Nizlopi, go!).

As the posts, like the Yule Log, dwindle down to nothing over the coming days, SPASTIC (remember them? I barely do) just wants to wish its 12 faithful readers a Happy Holiday. Which includes Christmas. And Hanukkah. And New Year's. And Kwanzaa. And probably others, but I don't think any of my readers celebrate them. But it's open-ended. Because I want you to be Happy.

And, thanks for coming around.
Now go put out those Communion Wafers and Milk for Santa.

Christmas Reflections III

2005-12-21T06:29:00.000-05:00

I'm rocking out to Neil Diamond's Christmas Album, one of the classics.
A friend points out the irony that Neil Diamond did a Christmas album.
Huh.
The Jewish Elvis sings O Come, O Come, Emmanuel.
Irony?
Maybe.
I guess it is.
Inifinitely more ironic than anything Alanis ever came up with.
So, there it is.
Rock on. [turns it to eleven]

Holiday Reflections II

2005-12-19T07:37:00.000-05:00

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistletoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

This is a fun song to sing, and I like the sentiment. To many, this probably is the most wonderful time. Of course, this is akin to telling teens that high school is the Best Years of Their Lives: if this is true, then what do I have to look forward to?
Come Jan. 2, it's another 11 months of killin' time until the Most Wonderful Time rolls around again.

That's not really what I wanted to say about this song. First, this:

mistletoeing.

A great example of verbing, that. And it's much mistletoeing; alliteration, to boot. I've been trying to coin my own holiday verbing, but haven't gotten a good one, yet.

AmExing?
eggnogging?
Xboxing?

Second, this:

scary ghost stories

Somebody finally explained to me that this references A Christmas Carol.
Okay.
I guess Christmas Future is kind of scary, but a ghost story to me is one that ends with a farmer saying:
"my daughter? She died a year ago..."

Danny Bonaduce Trims Dutch Elm orPartridge Pares Tree

2005-12-16T07:34:00.000-05:00

Headline in today's paper:

Lansing Teachers May Pare Their Raise

I don't often hear "pare" without "down". A googlefight between "pare exenses" and "pare down expenses" comes out almost a tie. "Pare costs" creams "pare down costs", so I may be in the minority, here. Pare by itself may be more common than I thought.

Which is good. Because as I think about it, "pare down" seems to be a redundancy; you can't "pare up".

The story talks about teachers being forced to make a choice: take a cut in your (already sad 2%, but at least we aren't working for Delphi) raise, or we lay off 20 or so of your colleagues. Man.

Now, I guess it's up to teachers to decide which is better: a pare or a full house.

Chew On This

2005-12-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

In conversation today, someone was talking about their experience in retail. It had to do with selling calendars, and a customer trying to "chew him down" on the price.

I had to stop him. Chew you down? Don't you mean Jew you down? And, by the way, where's your time machine, because you're comin' straight outta 1950.

He hadn't meant to be even vaguely anti-Semitic. In, fact, he was horrified to think that that he could be construed as such. Unaware of the connection, he had always thought his phrase was more literal: to chew away at (badger) someone until they gave you a better price.

I'd never heard "chew him down". I haven't heard "Jew down" in years.
Enter Google. "Chew him down" gives 250 hits. Quite small, and some of those actually refer to chewing (the dog had to chew him down to a manageable size). So, it's definitely not common usage. It may fit the category of malapropism... though a malapropism, I believe, is the use of the wrong word for your intended meaning. I doubt that most people saying "chew" really mean "Jew".

Here are a few uses:

"...the salesman will try talking to you in terms of monthly payments, but you need to switch him back to total price of the car in order to chew him down."

"I'm hoping to chew him down to $200."

..."trying to chew him down to almost slave wages."

"I decided that I was going to just give him his asking price rather than try to chew him down."

"...I didn't try to chew him down any, I got what I wanted for the price.."

Of course, "Jew him down" gets nearly as many hits, and most of those are talking about the phrase itself, not using it conversationally. This either means that the blogosphere is self-censoring, or that it's going away as a figure of speech.

Either way works for me.

Jokes I Remember From Junior High (4 of 4)

2005-12-14T08:45:00.000-05:00

A lady comes down with a terrible rash over most of her body. She calls the doctor, and he tells her to take a bath in milk.
She calls the local dairy, and explains that she needs enough milk to fill her bathtub.
"Do you need it pasteurized?" the man on the other end asks.
Her reply: "No, I think up to my chin should be fine."

My Front Pages

2005-12-13T10:41:00.000-05:00

There's been much talk lately about the death penalty, and it gives us another look at Death Euphemisms.
Look at headlines covering the execution of Stanley Tookie Williams. The LA Daily News, CNN and San Jose Mercury News both say it in one, bold word: "Execution". For CNN.com, NPR, and MSNBC, he was "put to death".
One obviously sounds softer. "Put to death" sounds like something you do to an old dog. It almost sounds like "put to bed".
Most outlets lean toward Execution. I agree. There's nothing soft about death by injection.

Posts I Only Have The Titles For

2005-12-12T12:06:00.000-05:00

Sure, content is nice. Idea, first. Headline, later.
But I've got some great posts coming... I just don't know what they're about, yet.
But the headlines have already been written:

And Then There's Maude
It's Only Cheating If You Whistle
Arctic Genocide: The Legacy of North Pol Pot
Umlaut... Oprah... Oprah... Umlaut.
Pole Position for Prepositions
If Not Charlie Kauffman, Then Whom?
Is That Your Modifier Dangling, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
I Haven't Seen Saw
Cherry Pie Cover Not Warranted
Wait! Wait! Don't Smell Me!
The Year Of The Tat
Coleman Makes Imperfect Tense
That's My Interrogative
Torn Ligatures
Tuber Or Not Tuber

ROPE? Uh, Dope.

2005-12-08T20:45:00.000-05:00

From acoolkid, comes this interoffice email letting folks know about an update to an unfortunate acronym:

...ROPES, Version 10.0, the Remote Online Print System, was installed into Production CICS and batch, effective with the cycle of the CICS regions this morning, August 25. There are no significant changes to the product, but it will affect both batch and online...

His question: Where do they get the E?

Sometimes folks get a little liberal, borrowing two or three letters instead of one from some words in order to make a catchier acronym. But there's no E to be found betwixt the P and S. Huh.
So why not use ROPS, and just pronounce it "ropes"? Dunno. Are there other example of this startegy out there?

Holiday Reflections (1 of a few)

2005-12-06T06:38:00.000-05:00

You're spending a lot of time talking about a Christmas carol.
Yeah, well, it's what's on my mind. Sue me. And stop calling me Carol.

Do you sing along with O Holy Night? Man, now there's a song probably written by that O, Say Can You See? guy, with that one note that comes outta nowhere:

Fall on your knees
O hear the angel voices
O night divine!
O night when Christ was born
O night DiVIIIIIIIIIINE!

Whew. I don't go falsetto there, though. O, no. Straight-up Axl Rose. It's horrid.

The Man With All The Toys

2005-12-02T06:22:00.000-05:00

Just did my first of what will be many readings of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. Each year, subversive thoughts find their way into my brain as I'm reading this poem. Here are three:

When I read "...threw up the sash" I picture the fellow retching and pulling a beauty queen sash out of his mouth. (actually, it's more often a merit badge sash. Former Boy Scout.)

When I read "...his face it was broad" I want to read it like Jimmy Cagney. It makes no sense, but there it is.

When I read "...filled all the stockings and then turned with a jerk..." I picture Santa standing at the chimney, but suddenly there's Steve Martin beside him, arrow through head, yelling "The new phone book is here!"

Anyone else have crazy images flash though their brain whilst trying to read something not meant to be crazy? Another example of this might be something a friend told me 20 years ago that has made it hard to keep a straight face in church over the years.
He told me that instead of "Lead On, O King Eternal" he sang "Lead On, O Kinky Turtle." So sophomoric, yet there I am, Sunday morning, visions of turtles dancing in my head. Tsk.

I'd much rather have sugar plums in my head. Or even Steve Martin.

Draggin' The Line

2005-12-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

Read this headline:

Spoof paper proceeds to buy shoes for needy kids

I think since headlines tend to put verbs early, I read it proceeds.
Then got to the end... then had to go back to the beginning. The spoof paper is buying shoes? Oh. proceeds.
How about you? Anyone else get the same reading?
Is this confusion reason enough for the head to be rewritten, or should people figure it out?

the story

The Wages of This Sin: Two Bucks

2005-11-30T06:04:00.000-05:00

In Michigan, smokers pay $2.00 a pack in taxes for the privilege of standing out back in the rain. This tax hike passed over a year ago, mere weeks after it was soundly trounced as bad government. The story of its failure is here:

Estate, 'sin' tax bills fail in House

Now, a mere 19 months later, I've rewritten the headline.

Sin Tax Error

We'll just have to file that away for the next one.

.......

Why do I do this? Just as I'm about to hit Publish, I think Hey. I wonder if anyone else could ever have come up with this bit of wit? Let's check! Google says 386 other web pages already came up with my headline. Dangit! I could've left well enough alone, deluded in the thought that my stream of consciousness had lapped over some unturned punnish pebble, but nope. I checked. I am officially, again, wholely unoriginal.

Dangit.

[update: "stream of consciousness" +"punnish pebble" gets zero hits. I am at turns pleased and unamazed.]

......

Can't seem to Publish yet. One more thought, as I was trying to pun my way through the post title:

A regional meeting of church leaders where they cast a controversial vote (gay clergy, for example) could have a snarky headline in a partisan paper that reads:

Putting the 'Sin' in Synod

[checks Google. Ha! Zero!]

Full disclosure: this may have subconsciously been inspired by the tagline in Bridget's blog.

......

(One man's take on why sin taxes don't work can be found here)

Come On!

2005-11-27T14:25:00.000-05:00

More billboard reflections.
This one is an derivation of what I call Frag Tags: Fragmented taglines in a headline that work awfully hard to make their product seem hipper than it usually is. One example is the billboard that I still see daily advertising "Quality. Hometown. Care." Wal-Mart advertises "Good. Works."

I submit that these gimmicks rarely add anything more to the content. Well, periods, I suppose.
One I saw recently that I liked was:

Serious. Fun.

That works for me. Another one I saw somewhere was:

Logical. Phallus-y.

I didn't really get that one, but it works.

Any-hoo. back to "Wellcome." I assume it's to be read as a Frag Tag:

Well. Come.

It's for a health plan of some sort (the pic above's an artist's rendering, BTW... I'm still not stopping by woods on a snowy highway to snap pics), and they want me to know that if I use their plan, I'll be well. And I should come.

OK. For me, it doesn't add any more meaning than "quality care" does. Actually, it's more confusing. It sounds like something you'd say to a dog who doesn't get that you have a treat for him: Well? Come!

But what it does do is put a commonly misspelled word on a highway billboard in 4,000 point Times New Roman. "Wellcome" hasn't reached "Comming" proportions (still #1 five years running), but this 'board may make it a contender.
Yes, the misspelling is intentional... part of the charm of the ad, I suppose. That doesn't mean that many won't see it and subconsciously file away the new "Two Ls in 'Wellcome'" rule.

I believe in the First Amendment right to say or print what you wish. But I think there should be a fine for folks who contribute to American-youth-spelling-test-failure. Maybe for every intentional misspelling they create, they have to hand-grade 4,000 standardized English tests.

You say: comming from you, that's rich. You've got a typo in, like, every post.
I say: yeah. but at leaast it's not in 4,000 point type. And no one reads this blog, so your point is mute.

Unique New York. Red Leather, Yellow Leather.

2005-11-22T20:47:00.000-05:00

I got this warning message when installing software today. There is no Photoshop trickery involved.

Update: I updated the Updater, and Adobe's up-to-date.

Vanity of Vanities; All is Vanity

2005-11-21T11:23:00.000-05:00

Hey, Mr. '05 Mustang Driver. You blew by me so dang fast I could barely make out your vanity plate:

MRLDCTY

Now, as humbly as possible, I'd like to say that I'm pretty darn good at figuring out vanity plates. I'm usually the first one in a group to shout it out. Now, now, no comments about the social life of a person who takes pride in being the best vanity-plate-figure-outer. Stay on topic, Vanity Plate Man. This is about you, not me. Your plate left me STR8UP stumped.
IMHO, vanity plates are MENT2B understood. An inside joke plate is a waste of money. Vanity plates are all about others' recognition of your wit and good humour:

A1ANA2? A-1? Like the steak sauce? Who's Ana? Oh, A one and a two! He's a conductor! Ha ha! Good show!
(A1ANA2, famously, was Lawrence Welk's vanity plate)

So, back to you.
MRLDCTY.
Mr. Lead City? This is my best shot. But I can't figure this out. It's a Michigan plate... We're not a big lead producer, as far as I know. Judging by the speed at which you passed me, you have a Lead Foot, but are speeders referred to as being from "Lead City"? Not that I know of.
Is your name Merle? You didn't look like a Merle. Not to pigeonhole you or anything. Besides, I still don't make anything of it. Merle D. City?
Meryl? A Meryl Streep fan, perhaps? And your plate references the state of being that comes about on the eve of a new Streep movie... Meryldicity?

No, Cool Car Guy, I can't get it. Therefore, I dub thine plate whack.
The truth hurts, my man. Pick yourself up, get to the DMV, and take a Vanity Plate Mulligan. My suggestion:

CHZYPL8

Logical. Phallus-y.

2005-11-17T07:56:00.000-05:00

Mere months after Pimp Dose, we've got another vandal in the school.
His tag:

penis

It's written in red sharpie on lockers, in the stairwell, on railings.
This may be the work of a group. There's a chance they're a new gang, marking their territory with graffiti. While it's easier to read than typical gang tags, it's just as confusing. There is no punctauation to help us.

Is this a triumphant announcement of his/their manhood? (Penis!)
Is it shock at a recent discovery? (Penis?!)

Or is it, as I'm hoping, the start of a campaign?
Much like the billboards that post a series of teasers before the entire ad appears, I think "penis" will soon have a "The" in front of it:

The
penis

A few days later, the rest of the text will follow:

The
penis
mightier than
the sword.

Clever, penis-man. Very clever, indeed.

Oh, Ya. You Betcha.

2005-11-14T05:44:00.000-05:00

This billboard greets me on the way to work every day. Actually, this is my Photoshopped rendering of it, since I'm not wont to stop on the freeway and take a picture. What interests me is the deliberation in the art department of where to place that two-foot high apostrophe:

...no, "ya" isn't a word. it's an abbreviation of "you."
Yeah, but what letter are you replacing with the apostrophe?
What are you talking about?! The apostrophe is there to show people that we know we're using nonstandard English!
What, is that from Strunk & White: The Lost Elements? You're making up usage!
Dude, just put in the apostrophe.
Fine. Where does it go?
Just put it where it makes sense...

Maybe because we put one in "y'all", they thought we needed one here. Of course, then we'd have:

ORANGE Y'A GLAD TO SEE US?

Which just looks silly.
If Ya, sans punctuation, is good enough for Outkast, it should be good enough for Adams Outdoor Advertising.

Darkness Falls

2005-11-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

Ah, The Darkness.
The boys who gave us lyrics like:

Snowflakes melt in hell
That it would end
Don't let the bells end
Christmas time
Just let me leave please

are back with a new single.

It's called:

One Way Ticket To Hell... And Back

The thing about The Darkness is this: you're never quite sure if it's a joke. I think that's why I find them so appealing.

Either way, this song rocks. Even if I hadn't heard it, I'd love it from the title alone: a one-way round trip, baby.
It makes absolutely no sense.
And therein lies the beauty. Even deciphering the lyrics about highs and lows of cocaine abuse really sheds no more light.

And that's OK.

'Cuz they rock.

[outro]
...One way ticket to hell and back(yeah)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back(ooh yeah)
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell (oooh yeaah)

One way ticket to hell and back(woo!)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell...

Three Words I Use When I Want To Sound Smarter Than I Am

2005-11-08T20:55:00.000-05:00

Irrespective
Hierarchy (pronouncing it hear-arky)
Ephemeral

What are yours?

Friskies Business

2005-11-07T21:10:00.001-05:00

Here's a partial transcript from a commercial that plays on my radio at times:

...This is [radio personality]. You've heard me talk about my cats and how much they love Purina, as well as myself...

Whoa. The first time I heard it, I was sure I'd heard incorrectly. This could not be what it said. The next time, I wrote it down, in awe.

To me, the most literal reading of her message is:

I'm [radio personality]. You've heard me tell you how much my cats love [Purina cat food and] me.

Now, she doesn't say "love me". She says "...how much they love Purina, as well as myself." Which sounds like a fairly common misuse of a reflexive pronoun. So we would assume she meant "how much they love Purina, as well as me."

But, this isn't what she means, is it? She means to tell us that both she and her cats love Purina. Something like:

This is [radio personality]. You've heard me talk about how much my cats and I love Purina.

Now, this does bring to mind a radio host sitting down at the breakfast table with her coffee and a bowl of dry cat food. And, maybe that's why it isn't worded this way... someone thought it sounded weird. We need a rewrite from the ground up.

The problem, here, again, is this:

Aren't there people who proof these things? Even after it's aired, doesn't someone hear it and go "Uh, guys? Yeah, [radio personality]'s on the radio saying her cats love her. It just sounds weird. And she's using reflexive pronouns instead of standard personal pronouns. Can we get a rewrite?"

And the answer, again, comes back.

No. No, there aren't.

Sigh.

Something Wicked Segue Comes*

2005-11-06T15:08:00.000-05:00

The news this morning had a story about a family that moved back into its flooded home in New Orleans to find it had been invaded by water moccasins. Every time they opened a door or moved a piece of furniture, a snake slithered out to greet them.

After this piece, the anchor threw to the weatherman with this:

"...Luckily, nothing like that weatherwise is going to bug us today..."

Yes, luckily there are no poisonous snakes in the weather today. And luckily, today we will not have to return to a destroyed home after over a month away. Boy, it sure would suck to be them! Haha! Luckily, it's going to be nearly 70 today!

Do we really need a segue? In TV Anchorman School, it must be drilled into young recruits, because this is only a small example of something that happens every day. In local news, especially, but the Bigs do it, too. I would like the weather, thank you, but I'm not terribly concerned that it somehow ties to the previous story.

Just tell me that it's time for the weather.

Thanks.

*A stretch, yes. The other, less stretchy title was Where There's A Will, There's A Segue.

The Remains Of The Day

2005-11-01T07:01:00.000-05:00

When does a body become a remain?

Today, I have heard various reports, some talking about Rosa Parks' body, others about her remains.

AP:
"The Senate approved a resolution Thursday allowing her remains to lie in honor in the Rotunda..."

MSNBC:
"When they learned Friday night that Parks’ body would lie in honor in the Capitol, Cunningham’s wife said, “We have to go.”"

Many skip the distinction, saying simply that she will "lie in honor."

Is there a distinction? To me, remains suggests ashes, or something more gruesome. I must be off here, though, since it seems a fairly common way to refer to the body of one who has passed.

Hoping someone else will do the research, I wonder if it has to do with bodies that are not immediately buried, but are on view for a period.

Finally, as I got into this post I realized it might seem inappropriate. I do not mean to diminish the legacy of a civil rights pioneer by quibbling semantics. This is simply a straight question of usage that had never occurred to me before today.

Jokes I Remember From Junior High (3 of 4)

2005-10-31T05:56:00.000-05:00

Traffic has dropped by half since I began the Jr. High series. Coincidence?

In other news, four people searching for "the infamous el guapo" have found me recently.

Now, to it:

Q: What do olive loaf and Sarah Jesica Parker have in common?
A: One's a Square Peg, while the other's a Square Pig.

You will be shocked to learn that this is one I penned myself.
Even in 7th grade, this was not seen as quality material.

As I reflect upon this piece, I wonder if it could have been reworked for greater effect:

Q: Did you hear about the new show with Porky, Babe*, and Wilbur as dorky kids trying to make it into the high school in-crowd?

A: It's called "Square Pigs".

Yeah, that's a lot better.
"WABAC machine, set for 1982. We've got to find my 7th grade self and get him this joke. It could change his entire future..."

*Of course, Babe didn't exist in 1982. Hmm.. Miss Piggy seems obvious, but I don't like the use of "pig" in the set-up, since it's the punchline. "Kermit's girlfriend", maybe. Any-hoo.

Jokes I Remember From Junior High (2 of 7)

2005-10-27T05:56:00.000-04:00

For this one, I took a one-line joke and turned it into a fairly epic tale. Please remember this is 7th grade. The language is '80s-tinged, and the puns are awful. My humor is much more sophisticated now.

* * * * * * *

The Potato family was a happy one. Mother and Father Potato lived with their three daughters. The children grew, and before they knew it, the eldest was off to see the world. One evening, the family was sitting about watching TV (M*A*S*H, natch) when the phone rang. It was their daughter.
"Mom! Dad! I'm getting married!"
"Ore-Ida!" said her father, who'd been hoping she'd marry soon. "Who is he?"
"Oh, dad, you'll love him. He's a doctor."
Well, dad was indeed excited to have such prestige brought to his family. There was a huge wedding and celebration.
A year passed, and the middle child left home for Art School (Julienne) . Soon, a call came. The family stopped watching their movie (The Eyes of Laura Mars) to listen in.
"Mom! I'm getting married! He's a District Attorney! And, he's a real spud muffin!"
"Totally tuberlar!" exclaimed mom.
There was a large wedding and a wonderful party.
Finally, the third daughter left to follow her dream. Her parents could only hope it wouldn't be half-baked. They worried that their small fry might not make a wise decision.
Then, the call came, right in the middle of CHiPs.
"Mom! Dad! I'm marrying Dan Rather!"
Oh, they were not happy.
Mom was boiling. Dad turned red potato. There was no large wedding. They were ashamed.
Because their first two daughters had married so well, and the third had married a commentater.

* * * * * * *

I haven't told this joke in years. It could use updating. The first that comes to mind is that the 3rd girl could marry "Tim Russet". Other ideas?

Jokes I Remember From Junior High (1 of 7)

2005-10-27T05:33:00.000-04:00

A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher walk into a bar.

"Ow," they say.

Oh, And This One...

2005-10-26T05:48:00.000-04:00

OK, just one more unbelievable-but-apparently-real T-shirt:

HAPPY LARGE TRANSLATION WILL OCCUR!

2005-10-25T12:20:00.000-04:00

There's a pizza place in my town that has an arcade. All of the games, as far as I can tell, come straight from Japan. Most of the text is symbols (Kanji?), but some is in English. Like the marksmanship game where you shoot a mug and it explodes:

THE CUP WILL SPLATTER! TEST YOU SKILL!

Or the street luge game that promises:

AMAZING ACTION DOWN THE HILL! TRY YOUR RIDE!

These are good for a chuckle, similar to the crazy popularity of ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.

That would be the end of it... but today I was searching for the latest Elmo toy (hey, give me a break), clicked I'm Feeling Lucky, and this came up, courtesy Engrish.com:

"Engrish", I find, has quite a following. It is the term used to describe poor Japanese to English translations. I remember looking at a puzzle game in line at the gas station, with the directions telling the owner to FIRST ONLY DECOMPOSE THE CUBE, and saying to myself: huh.

Well, the folks at Engrish.com and a boatload of other sites have collected many of these crazy things for you. Some are beyond belief. "They must be Photoshopped!" you cry. "Crap my hands?!" The webmaster says no, they're all legit. Like:

My first thought was that the term "Engrish" was just too inappropriate, and that I couldn't ever bring myself to use it. I still may not out loud... but it sure is all over the place, and seems to be the accepted term. That doesn't make it OK, I realize. I am still amazed at how something so niche can have such a following on the internet.

Which makes me again wonder: If there's so much Engrish stuff in cyberspace, why can't we get more ARK II information out there?

Bowies Don't Cry (experiments in obtuse imagery)

2005-10-21T06:08:00.000-04:00

Like some cat from Japan....

You Can't Have Egg, Bacon, Spam and Sausage Without the Spam!

2005-10-18T06:31:00.000-04:00

Mash-up words are fun. Like Spice + Ham = Spiced Ham = Spam.

Pastabilities.
Spambot.
Charpool.
Or, heaven forbid, Betsimpsier.

I'm sure there's a word for words like that... anyone know it?

Anyhow, this is my post about spam. And how I've got to make it stop, so I'm making comment-posters type a crazy, curvy nonsense word that looks like it's written on the melting walls in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I've put this off, because it's a small hassle to people trying to dash off a quick reply. You just want to post a thought, and the computer says: "Type "Cthulhu" into this box to make sure you're not a spammer." Or "Clhuuh", I'm not sure. I usually get them wrong on the first attempt. So they give me "Brylwor"* to try again. Actually, can I get another shot at "Cthulhu"? I think I can get it this time. Now, it's "umlaut". Now "Ageageray"*. Now "Thirttlye"* I give up. The world will never know my rakish wit. I have been marginalized by the Spambot Guardian. Post I Shall No More.

So, I apologize for instituting such measures. But I get these posts, and I don't even know where in my blog they're posting in order to delete them. My email says I have a new post (yay!) and it's someone who thinks my blog is awesome (sweet!) and they'll be back for sure (woo-hoo!) and, by the by, they have a great blog about erectile dysfunction (...). What it doesn't say is which post out of a year's worth it's gone to. Sigh.

So, there it is. Sorry. Good luck.

*These names are taken from here. Try generating "consonant-heavy" names. Fun!**

**"Fun" being relative, of course.

Stinkin' Up The Place

2005-10-14T06:23:00.000-04:00

In Eldest (young adult Star Wars/Lord of the Rings knockoff written by a dude who's, like, twelve), a character presents the possibilty of using barges to facilitate an escape, and someone says:

Barges? We don't need no stinking barges!

Man. The Sierra Madre (or, more likely, Blazing Saddles) reference is completely out of place in this elf/dwarf/dragon/magic fantasy epic. If the book were built upon quirky pop-culture references (Xanth, anyone?), OK. But it's not. This is not a funny tale.

"We don't need no stinkin'" this and that has been a popular phraseology for years, and this is not the first time I've thought about it. It's just the first time I've had a blog in which to think it through.

Google gives 174,000 hits for the phrase "We don't need no stinkin'". 142,000 for "We don't need no stinking". It gives only 14,800 hits for "We don't need no steenkin'", but that still seems impressive for a phonetically-spelled word. There are even over a thousand hits for "We don't need no steeenkin'".
People like this phrase.

Here's a look at Google's first ten hits for places that say they don't need no stinkin' something:

1. We don't need no stinkin' login!
2. Singelton? We don't need no stinkin' Singleton!
3. 401K? We don't need no stinkin' 401K!
4. Books? We don't nee no stinkin' books!
5. Training? We don't need no stinkin' training!"
6. Keyframes? We don't need no stinkin' keyframes!
7. Rules? I don't need no stinkin' rules!
8. We don't need no stinkin' stats!
9. We don't need no stinkin' love songs!
10. We don't need no stinkin' cookies!

The Stinking Badges Home Page is a pretty nifty catalog of references, a look at how this quote has permeated our culture. It also has as its first entry the actual quote, from the book and movie, which has been misquoted ever since.

While some use the structure "We don't need no stinkin' X" (X being whatever it is we need no stinkin' of), most retain the structure "X? We don't need no stinkin' X!", using X as a question before commenting on our need for X.

People who have time to make up names for this sort of thing call them "snowclones". The term refers to any adaptable cliché, where a word is replaced with a different word appropriate to the conversation at hand. For example:

To see, or not to see?

The name comes from the oft-repeated (and apparently erroneous) statement:
The Eskimos have __ words for for snow... (usually followed by something like "surely you can come up with __ words for ____.")

So. Why do we dig the "don't need no stinkin'" phrasing so much? Is it because it gives us an excuse to use poor grammar? Or the excuse to use an over-the-top accent typical of Mexican Bandits? We get to say "steenkin'", which is fun... shades of "friggin'", but with a touch of danger attached. But doesn't it get old? Probably not for deadline-pressed admen and headline writers.

I think there's a place to add this to a database of snowclones. I'll have to do that. Unless it's already there. In which case, I'm again late to the stinkin' party.