But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
-Kermit The Frog
--------------------------------------------
Dr. Suess had a birthday. Not coincidentally, it is Reading Month... four short weeks for lesser-known children's book writers to cash in on the lucrative Elementary School Meet & Greet market.
What do you mean, we can't get Rowling? How about the 3rd Rock From the Sun guy? Crap. Jenny, didn't your brother write a kids' book? It was a cereal jingle? Close enough! Get him on the phone! We need Authors! Now! No, April's too late! MARCH is Reading Month! In MARCH, we read!
So it is that I've been reflecting on Suess. I always think of him as this funny, smart guy who knew how to get down on the floor and look a kid in the eye and just play with him. But he also knew how to make a kid think... with a little help from a parent, he opened the door to discussions about anti-semitism, racism, and the environment.
In thinking of Ted, I also think of another childhood hero, Jim Henson. Here's another guy who knew how to talk to kids, and slip in something More without preaching. Following is a poor excuse for Poetry, but it's my small attempt to process what I've been feeling since I saw a Super Bowl commercial with Kermit.
Untitled
In a time not long ago
Things were different from today
We needed stories of Sneetches and Whos
To help show people the way.
These simple stories showed those who would hear
How silly it was to be uncertain and fear
The things that make Peter different from Paul
And that a person's a person no matter how small.
Alongside these stories that taught
What kindness can mean
Came a similar character
Though smaller, and green.
Kermit the Frog was his name
And like Horton and others
He simply taught of injustice,
And respect for your Sisters and Brothers.
Kermit turned 50 last year,
For that long Mr. the Frog's been adored.
To celebrate this milestone
He made a commercial for Ford
It must have somehow seemed right to
Use It's Not Easy Being Green,
A song about intolerance,
To pitch an SUV.
Sure, the car that he's endorsing
Is all tree-huggy-hippie, but there's doubt:
Would Kermit's dad (Jim)
Have allowed him to sell out?
This rhyme, it goes on
(I'm long past laconic)
My point, I guess, it this:
Isn't it ironic?
I'm just sad, I suppose
To see HensonTM get caught
Sucking up to Big Bucks
For, I fear, they've truly lost the plot.
3.13.2006
Maligner Notes
I learned a new word today. Well, new usage for a word. And it's not a hard one. And I hope you don't think me naive for not having known this. But I feel better now that this gap in my vocabulary has been spackled.
Regarding the (newly-dead) Slobodan Milosevic, Condi Rice said this weekend that he was
"one of the most malign forces in Europe in quite a long time."
Huh.
I've never thought of malign as an adjective. "Malignant", yes. But there it is in the dictionary. Harmful, evil, mean. Yup.
Huh.
Regarding the (newly-dead) Slobodan Milosevic, Condi Rice said this weekend that he was
"one of the most malign forces in Europe in quite a long time."
Huh.
I've never thought of malign as an adjective. "Malignant", yes. But there it is in the dictionary. Harmful, evil, mean. Yup.
Huh.
3.09.2006
Flat-out Wrong?
Recently, my local paper ran this headline:
Online course to help kids think global
My first thought is, surely they mean globally. Adverbs, hello?
But then the doubts come.
Am I being a Neanderthal Prescriptivist Looney, taking issue with this?
Perhaps there's no problem, the doubting voice calls. Isn't this the same as "Think Different", where we were told that there was a thing that existed called the "Flat Adverb", and maybe people have started clipping the -ly from "globally", and that's perfectly OK?
Google finds lots of “Think Global”s, but I want to believe that many of these fall into structures like “…those that think global warming is a bunch of hype…”
But there’s a good amount of adverb-flatteners out there. Thinkglobal2005.org sought to "explore the impact of globalization on your way of life..." ThinkGlobal magazine covers international trade topics. Also, metroblogging.com tells me to "Think Global. Blog Local". It seems that Think Global, Act Local is a pretty big slogan out there; it shows up a lot.* I don’t know if anyone in particular owns it.
But here’s the thing.
I’m much more inclined when I’m resting.
Hang on, that last sentence got away from me.
I’m much more inclined to be OK with a tagline that uses a Flat Adverb. Think “Local”. Think “Power”. Think “Pink”. But saying “X Thinks Global” in a newspaper headline is saying this is how we talk. And I don’t think we do, yet.
Do we?
*Globecitizen.com tells me that "This is some of my observations and analysis of the Global Village I live in..." I find this helps my case.
PS: I’m finding I like Jason Mraz. But, can I buy a vowel for that last name? It’s like those fantasy names I never know how to pronounce, like “Fendthrrjl”.
3.06.2006
Ah? So.
I just gave a design test, where students had to create an ad for a refreshing beverage. I gave them the image (lime splashing in cool, clear water) and the headline:
Aaaaaaaaaah!
As they are turning in the finished project, and I'm seeing the headline in 150 point type, I realize that there is a difference between
Aaaaaaaaah!
and
Ahhhhhhhhh!
One is contented. The other is running away in terror. I've made a note of it.
Aaaaaaaaaah!
As they are turning in the finished project, and I'm seeing the headline in 150 point type, I realize that there is a difference between
Aaaaaaaaah!
and
Ahhhhhhhhh!
One is contented. The other is running away in terror. I've made a note of it.
3.01.2006
Memos Def
Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
First, someone has accidentally been printing papers that have
DIES TEVEDIE
written in 72 pt. Garamond to my Laserjet (is this Latin? Yiddish?). If this your document, I have a stack of them for you to pick up. Also (and it pains me to say this), I'm afraid I found an AP Stylebook stuck in my shredder this morning. It must have accidentally been dropped there by the night custodian. If you are missing yours, I will gladly buy you a new one. And I am sorry for your loss.
Now.
Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback on my recent series of memos regarding usage. Even though you don't say it to me in person, I can tell that they've gotten eveyone's blood pumping. In that vein (tee-hee!), I've come across another trend.
Please remember:
Even if I spend time both in New York and London, it does not make me a transponder.
A Transponder is also not a sportscar.
Oh, and related: please, please refrain from calling Trans Ams "trannies". No one says this. And it gets us on some very strange mailing lists.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
First, someone has accidentally been printing papers that have
DIES TEVEDIE
written in 72 pt. Garamond to my Laserjet (is this Latin? Yiddish?). If this your document, I have a stack of them for you to pick up. Also (and it pains me to say this), I'm afraid I found an AP Stylebook stuck in my shredder this morning. It must have accidentally been dropped there by the night custodian. If you are missing yours, I will gladly buy you a new one. And I am sorry for your loss.
Now.
Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback on my recent series of memos regarding usage. Even though you don't say it to me in person, I can tell that they've gotten eveyone's blood pumping. In that vein (tee-hee!), I've come across another trend.
Please remember:
Even if I spend time both in New York and London, it does not make me a transponder.
A Transponder is also not a sportscar.
Oh, and related: please, please refrain from calling Trans Ams "trannies". No one says this. And it gets us on some very strange mailing lists.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
2.27.2006
Nothin' But A G* Thang
Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
We are supposed to be the people folks look to for nuggets of languagey goodness. We need to be examples to the teeming masses yearning to speak well. But lately, we've been really steppin' in it.
To wit:
You will not find dipthong in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
*(string)
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
We are supposed to be the people folks look to for nuggets of languagey goodness. We need to be examples to the teeming masses yearning to speak well. But lately, we've been really steppin' in it.
To wit:
You will not find dipthong in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
*(string)
2.24.2006
A memo, random
Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being used incorrectly. Here's the thing: it's fun to pepper our speech with fun words. Just double-check if unsure of its use. If we all work together on this, we can begin to create a new usage paradigm.
To wit:
Teutonic is not a drink.
It also does not mean hair gel abuse.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being used incorrectly. Here's the thing: it's fun to pepper our speech with fun words. Just double-check if unsure of its use. If we all work together on this, we can begin to create a new usage paradigm.
To wit:
Teutonic is not a drink.
It also does not mean hair gel abuse.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
2.23.2006
A Clarification
Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being bandied about with reckless, um, ambandon (note to self: check root of "bandy" and "abandon". Connection?).
Just because the word sounds right, there's a chance you're a bit off.
To wit:
Canonical does not concern things related to cannons.
It also does not mean having to do with cameras.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources
Re: Usage
Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being bandied about with reckless, um, ambandon (note to self: check root of "bandy" and "abandon". Connection?).
Just because the word sounds right, there's a chance you're a bit off.
To wit:
Canonical does not concern things related to cannons.
It also does not mean having to do with cameras.
I hope this helps.
-Steve
2.20.2006
Should I Expect More From A Place That Can't Figure Out How To Make A Round Hamburger Patty?
To Do Is To Be.
-Neitszche
To Be Is To Do
-Kant
Do Be Do Be Do
-Sinatra
Just Do It.
-Nike adman
Daddy didn't do her.
-Some doctor on House.
Duuude...
Sean Penn, before he lost his sense of humor
Do.
It connotes action and forward movement. As a verb meaning "engage in", the word is usually followed by a noun or pronoun object, telling us what it is, exactly, that is about to be done.
As in:
1: Well, I'm off to do my taxes at the place where the lady dresses up like Uncle Sam and stands out by the street in the cold wearing a sandwich board and smoking!
2: Can you do this for me? The problem with sticky traps is that when mice get caught, they are inconveniently alive, and still must be murdered!
3: I've told you before, oh, you can't do that.
Wendy's has recently been flipping how we do "do". They've taken a page from Burger King's Packaging Playbook and put writing all over the stuff holding their food.
My recent Diet Dew did this Do:
DO fresh long after most places have put fresh to bed.
It goes on from there about how nice it is that they're open late with tasty fare.
At the bottom of the paragraph is their tagline:
DO WHAT TASTES RIGHT™
Text continues on other containers, as well.
On my chili, I'm told to:
DO slow-simmered.
So, it's "Do Adjective". Except when it's not.
Their website tells me to
DO a real hamburger.
Not an adjective, but still doesn't line up with our understanding of what do does. This, in fact, is more the usage of "do" in "do her", which, IMHO and ITOODAW*, I would consider slang. And, this makes the image of one doing a hamburger more American Pie than Wendy's may wish.
Of course, picking on advertisers for using slang is like picking on Jessica Simpson for being an airhead.**
But, still. If we don't make a stand, and say Hey! What are you up to, here, Buddy? aren't we saying to our kids that you can Do This when This = Any Old Word You Dang Well Please? Well, put me on the record as having Spoken. FWIW.
This is reminiscent of the dust-up over Apple computer's "Think Different" campaign, where folks were upset over their apparent ignoring of adverbian codes. They claimed they were doing differently, using "different" as a state of mind. Like, Think Pink. Or, Think Spring. According to spinsters,*** it's actually "Think [thoughts that are] Different." Whether or not you saw it as another example of style as an excuse to confuse gradeschoolers and ESL students, the hubbub on that one died pretty quick.
And the hubbub on this one? It's pretty much just me. And, actually, I'm already tired of talking about it.
*In The Opinion Of Dictionaries As Well
**there's no point, and you just end up looking like a prude.
***this, not this.
-Neitszche
To Be Is To Do
-Kant
Do Be Do Be Do
-Sinatra
Just Do It.
-Nike adman
Daddy didn't do her.
-Some doctor on House.
Duuude...
Sean Penn, before he lost his sense of humor
Do.
It connotes action and forward movement. As a verb meaning "engage in", the word is usually followed by a noun or pronoun object, telling us what it is, exactly, that is about to be done.
As in:
1: Well, I'm off to do my taxes at the place where the lady dresses up like Uncle Sam and stands out by the street in the cold wearing a sandwich board and smoking!
2: Can you do this for me? The problem with sticky traps is that when mice get caught, they are inconveniently alive, and still must be murdered!
3: I've told you before, oh, you can't do that.
Wendy's has recently been flipping how we do "do". They've taken a page from Burger King's Packaging Playbook and put writing all over the stuff holding their food.
My recent Diet Dew did this Do:
DO fresh long after most places have put fresh to bed.
It goes on from there about how nice it is that they're open late with tasty fare.
At the bottom of the paragraph is their tagline:
DO WHAT TASTES RIGHT™
Text continues on other containers, as well.
On my chili, I'm told to:
DO slow-simmered.
So, it's "Do Adjective". Except when it's not.
Their website tells me to
DO a real hamburger.
Not an adjective, but still doesn't line up with our understanding of what do does. This, in fact, is more the usage of "do" in "do her", which, IMHO and ITOODAW*, I would consider slang. And, this makes the image of one doing a hamburger more American Pie than Wendy's may wish.
Of course, picking on advertisers for using slang is like picking on Jessica Simpson for being an airhead.**
But, still. If we don't make a stand, and say Hey! What are you up to, here, Buddy? aren't we saying to our kids that you can Do This when This = Any Old Word You Dang Well Please? Well, put me on the record as having Spoken. FWIW.
This is reminiscent of the dust-up over Apple computer's "Think Different" campaign, where folks were upset over their apparent ignoring of adverbian codes. They claimed they were doing differently, using "different" as a state of mind. Like, Think Pink. Or, Think Spring. According to spinsters,*** it's actually "Think [thoughts that are] Different." Whether or not you saw it as another example of style as an excuse to confuse gradeschoolers and ESL students, the hubbub on that one died pretty quick.
And the hubbub on this one? It's pretty much just me. And, actually, I'm already tired of talking about it.
*In The Opinion Of Dictionaries As Well
**there's no point, and you just end up looking like a prude.
***this, not this.
For Your Consideration...
This observation from guest columnist ACoolKid:
Spotted on a file cabinet near the Reinsurance department:
"Please be considerate of those around you when
using these cabinets for the noise level."
-Thank You
I had never considered using cabinets for the noise level.
But once you get started, the possibilities are endless!
I'm thinking about going all STOMP! on 'em. I think
they'd appreciate my consideration.
Spotted on a file cabinet near the Reinsurance department:
"Please be considerate of those around you when
using these cabinets for the noise level."
-Thank You
I had never considered using cabinets for the noise level.
But once you get started, the possibilities are endless!
I'm thinking about going all STOMP! on 'em. I think
they'd appreciate my consideration.
2.16.2006
MORE DISTRACTING!
Maybe I'm just way off, here. In the past, I've talked about how nonparallel structure in ad fragments annoys me ((I wanted these little tagline snippets to be called frag tags. It didn't catch on). This is probably a petty peeve. It's not even breaking any real rule, as far as I know. It just sounds bad to me.
Ads for The Amazing Race shout this at me:
MORE EXOTIC!
MORE ADVENTURE!
MORE AMAZING!
Does this bug anyone?
Exotic, amazing, adjectives. Adventure, noun.
When I hear the hardcore voice-over guy trying to get my adrenaline pumping, my brain stops to think more adventure? Don't they mean adventurous? and I don't think they want me stopping to think.
It's probably just me.
Wendy's is doing it, too. It was bugging me yesterday as I read my cup, but now I can't remember what it said. I'll have to score a Diet Dew tomorrow and update the post with their vexing verbiage.
Ads for The Amazing Race shout this at me:
MORE EXOTIC!
MORE ADVENTURE!
MORE AMAZING!
Does this bug anyone?
Exotic, amazing, adjectives. Adventure, noun.
When I hear the hardcore voice-over guy trying to get my adrenaline pumping, my brain stops to think more adventure? Don't they mean adventurous? and I don't think they want me stopping to think.
It's probably just me.
Wendy's is doing it, too. It was bugging me yesterday as I read my cup, but now I can't remember what it said. I'll have to score a Diet Dew tomorrow and update the post with their vexing verbiage.
2.13.2006
Pining for the Ford
Lisa Loeb told me that I say she only hears what she wants to.
Well, Lisa, to my ownself I must be true.
Because I'm in classic only-hear-what-I-want-to mode.
"What we essentially have here is an old-fashioned, not always convincing B picture with A-list stars."
"A passable distraction. Nothing more."
"As we watch Ford reprise his trademark mannerisms, we no longer enjoy the ring of familiarity. We just hear the tolling of a bell -- Ford's."
"Harrison Ford needs a better agent."
But, wait. There it is:
"It kept me alert, terrified and royally entertained."
-Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER
Yes! Royally entertained! A-list stars! Passable distraction!
I am so there.
Well, Lisa, to my ownself I must be true.
Because I'm in classic only-hear-what-I-want-to mode.
"What we essentially have here is an old-fashioned, not always convincing B picture with A-list stars."
"A passable distraction. Nothing more."
"As we watch Ford reprise his trademark mannerisms, we no longer enjoy the ring of familiarity. We just hear the tolling of a bell -- Ford's."
"Harrison Ford needs a better agent."
But, wait. There it is:
"It kept me alert, terrified and royally entertained."
-Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER
Yes! Royally entertained! A-list stars! Passable distraction!
I am so there.
2.01.2006
Down Wit Wit
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-Dorothy Parker
Dorothy Parker's birthday Jan. 22 gave me reason to reflect again on what many see as a profound loss of intelligence and wit in our popular culture. We could try to dissect this thesis, argue as to its causes, or nominate worthy heirs to the modern Throne of Wit (can I get a Steve Martin? A Woody Allen?), but I don't have any real opinion... I just know that when I hear people from Days Gone By talk, they sound more intelligent, more fun to hang with.
We are definitely living in a different age. Video games get much of the blame for the dulling of our edges, and I tend to hang with this idea. I can think of many a time when I could have:
a) read a book
b) written in my journal
c) played Snood on Evil setting for the four millionth time
and chosen, you guessed it:
d) downloaded the latest Ask A Ninja podcast.
Where are the Twains (To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology.), the Grouchos (I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.), the Menckens (After all, all [Shakespeare] did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.)?
To encapsulate a person's lifetime of thinking into a pithy quote is overly simplistic, yes. But that the thinkers of the Algonquin Round Table and others of generations past can generate so many quotable quotes has to be worth something. Who do we look to for insight? In 50 years will we be looking back at our era and quoting the Sandlers (You eat pieces of s*** for breakfast?), the Pitts (Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed), the Cruises (I want a world without war, a world without insanity. I want to see people do well)?
I realize looking to pop culture stars for wisdom isn't quite a fair comparison... if wisdom-seekers from the future only took lines from Golden Age actors, the fare may not be much better. But a quick look at Bette Davis (Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.) and Humphrey Bogart (Things are never so bad they can't be made worse.) show a couple folks who thought before they spoke.
Sigh.
Maybe I just don't pay attention to current talkers. I'm sure what I long for is still out there. William Safire (Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.) has got some stuff to say. So does Anna Quindlen (I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.). Will it hold up 50 years from now?
I'm sure future generations will look to the collected wisdom of many contemporary authors. But we need only return to Ms. Parker to be reminded of what a deft wit truly sounds like:
I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things.
1.28.2006
My Short List Of Words That I Have Used
In Writing But Would Be Slightly
Embarrassed To Use In Conversation
Titular
Penal
FAQ (when I first saw this term, I pronounced it in my head as two words, "Fa" and "Q". I don't think I've ever said it out loud)
Hoary
Bestiary
Sects
Crapulence
Shiitake
Ball Movement
Fug
Overread
Most of Ian Fleming's Bond Girl Names
et vous?
Penal
FAQ (when I first saw this term, I pronounced it in my head as two words, "Fa" and "Q". I don't think I've ever said it out loud)
Hoary
Bestiary
Sects
Crapulence
Shiitake
Ball Movement
Fug
Overread
Most of Ian Fleming's Bond Girl Names
et vous?
1.18.2006
I Would Die 4 U
A year or so ago, University of Pittsburgh linguist Scott Kiesling published a paper breaking down the usage of “dude”. It was quite the topic in media for a week, then went away.
And now, a year later, I’m thinking about it again.
Probably because I'm reading Slam Dunks and No-Brainers: Language in Your Life, the Media, Business, Politics, And, Like, Whatever, in which Leslie Savan deconstructs "pop language" like "dude".
And because I say "dude".
A lot.
There are many contexts for the word, but I only really use it in one way. I draw it out.
Duuude.
Kiesling says “dude” can be:
A greeting ("What's up, dude?")
An exclamation ("Whoa, Dude!")
Commiseration ("Dude, I'm so sorry.")
Agreement (Dude, yes)
Surprise (Dude!)
Disgust (Dude)
My dude fits the surprise/disgust/exclamation category, I suppose. As in:
“I just got back from Grandma’s Boy. It was awesome!”
“Duuuuuude.”
Naturally, this got me thinking about how many U’s to actually put in the drawn-out “dude”. I just used six. Is that about right? One more, perhaps?
I went to Googlefight to see what others were up to.
Consensus: There is none. The folks at AP Style have definitely not weighed in on this one. Folks kind of just randomly lay on the U key. There is no standard here.
First, I found that two U's is not enough drawing-out. Three U’s beats two U’s hands-down:
Beyond that, I find, as I add more and more U's to my search, that the number slowly trends downhill. At times, though, there's a jump up. For instance, there are 3,000 more duuuuuuuuuuudes than duuuuuuuuuudes.
There is a threshold, though. After 11 U's, there is a huge drop:
Then the number hovers around 500 or so, until finally, at 31 U’s (duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude), it drops to 217. It goes back up and down for awhile after that, then levels out to between 25-75 hits for dudes with between 40-60 U's. At 65 U’s, I’m down to two hits.
I'm gettin' down there now, I think. I add the extra U, and crap! 60 hits.
72 U’s is the first search to give me only one hit. It’s: http://www.quizilla.com/users/tailsfangirl/quizzes/Random
It reads, in part:
Hi mi name ish !11!BOB!!!1! huu ru?
-Goodbye!
-Cuu cuu cachu
-Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude
-Hi.
73 U’s is the first "duuude" to give me no hits.
I decide that if I can get Google to return no results five increments in a row, I’ll declare a winner in the longest-dude contest. At 94 U’s, I get one hit. Then nothing. And nothing. And nothing. Then five hits.
Crap.
At 126 U’s, Google tells me to try a shorter word, it’s finished. It quits.
So, due to hitting the Googlewall, the winner is:
Killgore, in his(?) 2004.02.15 post on Poweranime.com. The complete transcript of the post follows:
KILLGORE: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE
The post seems to be part of a thread of folks trying to post the longest “Dude”.
Huh. Who in heck would find that interesting?
1.09.2006
F.
Oh, and N.
And S.
WARNING: "Kids These Days" Rant to follow.
In 1961, Barry Mann had a hit with a song that thanked doo-wop songwriters for their ability to set the mood for love:
Who Put the Bomp
by Barry Mann
Who put the bomp
In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
Who put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong?
Who put the bop
In the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
Who put the dip
In the dip da dip da dip?
Who was that man?
I'd like to shake his hand
He made my baby
Fall in love with me (yeah!!)
Over the holiday, I helped my nephew load music onto his new iPod Shuffle. I previewed some of the music. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked to hear what the kids are listening to.
OK, not really shocked. But it put back into my brain again how much uninspired, purely-for-shock-value dreck is out there, in the mainstream. What would Mr. Mann pen today?
Who Put D*ck
by Barry Mann
Who put the d*ck in the Baby, s*ck ** d***
Who put the f*** in the f*** the f*** the f***
In the ho in the pimp my ho da ho
Who put the f*** in the d*** a f*** a s***
Who was that man?
I'd like to f*** his ****
He f*** my n*****
s*** the f*** to f*** (s***!)
I know I sound like a prude (which, I believe, is a rude prune).
But where is there any value in a young man shouting that he's going to "F a N up"?
Sigh.
I know:
If it's to loud, you're too old.
But it's not the volume.
It's the f****** s*** n**** a*q* **zz* f***.
12.22.2005
Christmas Reflections IV:
Thanks for Comin' Round
A few places in blogville (I like this better than "blogsphere"... it's more homey) have been discussing the Christmas X, and its historical place in X-Mas. I'd known for years that it wasn't meant as a slight, but the background is quite interesting.
I never get too hung up on the semantics of the Season. Not like our state Senate, who passed a resolution making sure we call the state tree a Christmas Tree, dangit. Get the important stuff out of the way first, I always say.
Sure, some folks get riled up (redundant? Can one get riled down?) when others try to slip a shot of Jesus into their eggnog. Hey, if you can't get riled at the holidays, when can you? I mean, really.
You know, not too long ago it was flipped. People were concerned about making sure Jesus was in everything at Christmas. I don't have this as point of fact, I just use the lyrics from the old chestnut (redundant? new chestnut, anyone?) Here Comes Santa Claus:
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
Pullin' on the reins
Bells are ringin', children singin'
All is merry and bright
Hang your stockings and say your prayers
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
A nice fusion of Faith and Fancy, I think. We can only hope the kids are praying for World Peace, and not the Power Rangers Dino Thunder Battlized Arm Extender (which is what I'm shootin' for).
Later in the song, we learn that:
Peace on earth will come to all
It we just follow the light
So let's give thanks to the Lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight!
We at SPASTIC have no problem with this tune. It's adorable. It is what it is. But can you imagine someone writing it today? Chances are slim it'd hit the Christmas Number One (go, Nizlopi, go!).
As the posts, like the Yule Log, dwindle down to nothing over the coming days, SPASTIC (remember them? I barely do) just wants to wish its 12 faithful readers a Happy Holiday. Which includes Christmas. And Hanukkah. And New Year's. And Kwanzaa. And probably others, but I don't think any of my readers celebrate them. But it's open-ended. Because I want you to be Happy.
And, thanks for coming around.
Now go put out those Communion Wafers and Milk for Santa.
12.21.2005
Christmas Reflections III
I'm rocking out to Neil Diamond's Christmas Album, one of the classics.
A friend points out the irony that Neil Diamond did a Christmas album.
Huh.
The Jewish Elvis sings O Come, O Come, Emmanuel.
Irony?
Maybe.
I guess it is.
Inifinitely more ironic than anything Alanis ever came up with.
So, there it is.
Rock on. [turns it to eleven]
A friend points out the irony that Neil Diamond did a Christmas album.
Huh.
The Jewish Elvis sings O Come, O Come, Emmanuel.
Irony?
Maybe.
I guess it is.
Inifinitely more ironic than anything Alanis ever came up with.
So, there it is.
Rock on. [turns it to eleven]
12.19.2005
Holiday Reflections II
There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistletoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
This is a fun song to sing, and I like the sentiment. To many, this probably is the most wonderful time. Of course, this is akin to telling teens that high school is the Best Years of Their Lives: if this is true, then what do I have to look forward to?
Come Jan. 2, it's another 11 months of killin' time until the Most Wonderful Time rolls around again.
That's not really what I wanted to say about this song. First, this:
mistletoeing.
A great example of verbing, that. And it's much mistletoeing; alliteration, to boot. I've been trying to coin my own holiday verbing, but haven't gotten a good one, yet.
AmExing?
eggnogging?
Xboxing?
Second, this:
scary ghost stories
Somebody finally explained to me that this references A Christmas Carol.
Okay.
I guess Christmas Future is kind of scary, but a ghost story to me is one that ends with a farmer saying:
"my daughter? She died a year ago..."
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistletoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
This is a fun song to sing, and I like the sentiment. To many, this probably is the most wonderful time. Of course, this is akin to telling teens that high school is the Best Years of Their Lives: if this is true, then what do I have to look forward to?
Come Jan. 2, it's another 11 months of killin' time until the Most Wonderful Time rolls around again.
That's not really what I wanted to say about this song. First, this:
mistletoeing.
A great example of verbing, that. And it's much mistletoeing; alliteration, to boot. I've been trying to coin my own holiday verbing, but haven't gotten a good one, yet.
AmExing?
eggnogging?
Xboxing?
Second, this:
scary ghost stories
Somebody finally explained to me that this references A Christmas Carol.
Okay.
I guess Christmas Future is kind of scary, but a ghost story to me is one that ends with a farmer saying:
"my daughter? She died a year ago..."
12.16.2005
Danny Bonaduce Trims Dutch Elm
or
Partridge Pares Tree
Headline in today's paper:
Lansing Teachers May Pare Their Raise
I don't often hear "pare" without "down". A googlefight between "pare exenses" and "pare down expenses" comes out almost a tie. "Pare costs" creams "pare down costs", so I may be in the minority, here. Pare by itself may be more common than I thought.
Which is good. Because as I think about it, "pare down" seems to be a redundancy; you can't "pare up".
The story talks about teachers being forced to make a choice: take a cut in your (already sad 2%, but at least we aren't working for Delphi) raise, or we lay off 20 or so of your colleagues. Man.
Now, I guess it's up to teachers to decide which is better: a pare or a full house.
Lansing Teachers May Pare Their Raise
I don't often hear "pare" without "down". A googlefight between "pare exenses" and "pare down expenses" comes out almost a tie. "Pare costs" creams "pare down costs", so I may be in the minority, here. Pare by itself may be more common than I thought.
Which is good. Because as I think about it, "pare down" seems to be a redundancy; you can't "pare up".
The story talks about teachers being forced to make a choice: take a cut in your (already sad 2%, but at least we aren't working for Delphi) raise, or we lay off 20 or so of your colleagues. Man.
Now, I guess it's up to teachers to decide which is better: a pare or a full house.
12.15.2005
Chew On This
In conversation today, someone was talking about their experience in retail. It had to do with selling calendars, and a customer trying to "chew him down" on the price.
I had to stop him. Chew you down? Don't you mean Jew you down? And, by the way, where's your time machine, because you're comin' straight outta 1950.
He hadn't meant to be even vaguely anti-Semitic. In, fact, he was horrified to think that that he could be construed as such. Unaware of the connection, he had always thought his phrase was more literal: to chew away at (badger) someone until they gave you a better price.
I'd never heard "chew him down". I haven't heard "Jew down" in years.
Enter Google. "Chew him down" gives 250 hits. Quite small, and some of those actually refer to chewing (the dog had to chew him down to a manageable size). So, it's definitely not common usage. It may fit the category of malapropism... though a malapropism, I believe, is the use of the wrong word for your intended meaning. I doubt that most people saying "chew" really mean "Jew".
Here are a few uses:
"...the salesman will try talking to you in terms of monthly payments, but you need to switch him back to total price of the car in order to chew him down."
"I'm hoping to chew him down to $200."
..."trying to chew him down to almost slave wages."
"I decided that I was going to just give him his asking price rather than try to chew him down."
"...I didn't try to chew him down any, I got what I wanted for the price.."
Of course, "Jew him down" gets nearly as many hits, and most of those are talking about the phrase itself, not using it conversationally. This either means that the blogosphere is self-censoring, or that it's going away as a figure of speech.
Either way works for me.
I had to stop him. Chew you down? Don't you mean Jew you down? And, by the way, where's your time machine, because you're comin' straight outta 1950.
He hadn't meant to be even vaguely anti-Semitic. In, fact, he was horrified to think that that he could be construed as such. Unaware of the connection, he had always thought his phrase was more literal: to chew away at (badger) someone until they gave you a better price.
I'd never heard "chew him down". I haven't heard "Jew down" in years.
Enter Google. "Chew him down" gives 250 hits. Quite small, and some of those actually refer to chewing (the dog had to chew him down to a manageable size). So, it's definitely not common usage. It may fit the category of malapropism... though a malapropism, I believe, is the use of the wrong word for your intended meaning. I doubt that most people saying "chew" really mean "Jew".
Here are a few uses:
"...the salesman will try talking to you in terms of monthly payments, but you need to switch him back to total price of the car in order to chew him down."
"I'm hoping to chew him down to $200."
..."trying to chew him down to almost slave wages."
"I decided that I was going to just give him his asking price rather than try to chew him down."
"...I didn't try to chew him down any, I got what I wanted for the price.."
Of course, "Jew him down" gets nearly as many hits, and most of those are talking about the phrase itself, not using it conversationally. This either means that the blogosphere is self-censoring, or that it's going away as a figure of speech.
Either way works for me.
12.14.2005
Jokes I Remember From Junior High (4 of 4)
A lady comes down with a terrible rash over most of her body. She calls the doctor, and he tells her to take a bath in milk.
She calls the local dairy, and explains that she needs enough milk to fill her bathtub.
"Do you need it pasteurized?" the man on the other end asks.
Her reply: "No, I think up to my chin should be fine."
She calls the local dairy, and explains that she needs enough milk to fill her bathtub.
"Do you need it pasteurized?" the man on the other end asks.
Her reply: "No, I think up to my chin should be fine."
12.13.2005
My Front Pages
There's been much talk lately about the death penalty, and it gives us another look at Death Euphemisms.
Look at headlines covering the execution of Stanley Tookie Williams. The LA Daily News, CNN and San Jose Mercury News both say it in one, bold word: "Execution". For CNN.com, NPR, and MSNBC, he was "put to death".
One obviously sounds softer. "Put to death" sounds like something you do to an old dog. It almost sounds like "put to bed".
Most outlets lean toward Execution. I agree. There's nothing soft about death by injection.
Look at headlines covering the execution of Stanley Tookie Williams. The LA Daily News, CNN and San Jose Mercury News both say it in one, bold word: "Execution". For CNN.com, NPR, and MSNBC, he was "put to death".
One obviously sounds softer. "Put to death" sounds like something you do to an old dog. It almost sounds like "put to bed".
Most outlets lean toward Execution. I agree. There's nothing soft about death by injection.
12.12.2005
Posts I Only Have The Titles For
Sure, content is nice. Idea, first. Headline, later.
But I've got some great posts coming... I just don't know what they're about, yet.
But the headlines have already been written:
And Then There's Maude
It's Only Cheating If You Whistle
Arctic Genocide: The Legacy of North Pol Pot
Umlaut... Oprah... Oprah... Umlaut.
Pole Position for Prepositions
If Not Charlie Kauffman, Then Whom?
Is That Your Modifier Dangling, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
I Haven't Seen Saw
Cherry Pie Cover Not Warranted
Wait! Wait! Don't Smell Me!
The Year Of The Tat
Coleman Makes Imperfect Tense
That's My Interrogative
Torn Ligatures
Tuber Or Not Tuber
But I've got some great posts coming... I just don't know what they're about, yet.
But the headlines have already been written:
And Then There's Maude
It's Only Cheating If You Whistle
Arctic Genocide: The Legacy of North Pol Pot
Umlaut... Oprah... Oprah... Umlaut.
Pole Position for Prepositions
If Not Charlie Kauffman, Then Whom?
Is That Your Modifier Dangling, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
I Haven't Seen Saw
Cherry Pie Cover Not Warranted
Wait! Wait! Don't Smell Me!
The Year Of The Tat
Coleman Makes Imperfect Tense
That's My Interrogative
Torn Ligatures
Tuber Or Not Tuber
12.08.2005
ROPE? Uh, Dope.
From acoolkid, comes this interoffice email letting folks know about an update to an unfortunate acronym:
...ROPES, Version 10.0, the Remote Online Print System, was installed into Production CICS and batch, effective with the cycle of the CICS regions this morning, August 25. There are no significant changes to the product, but it will affect both batch and online...
His question: Where do they get the E?
Sometimes folks get a little liberal, borrowing two or three letters instead of one from some words in order to make a catchier acronym. But there's no E to be found betwixt the P and S. Huh.
So why not use ROPS, and just pronounce it "ropes"? Dunno. Are there other example of this startegy out there?
...ROPES, Version 10.0, the Remote Online Print System, was installed into Production CICS and batch, effective with the cycle of the CICS regions this morning, August 25. There are no significant changes to the product, but it will affect both batch and online...
His question: Where do they get the E?
Sometimes folks get a little liberal, borrowing two or three letters instead of one from some words in order to make a catchier acronym. But there's no E to be found betwixt the P and S. Huh.
So why not use ROPS, and just pronounce it "ropes"? Dunno. Are there other example of this startegy out there?
12.06.2005
Holiday Reflections (1 of a few)
You're spending a lot of time talking about a Christmas carol.
Yeah, well, it's what's on my mind. Sue me. And stop calling me Carol.
Do you sing along with O Holy Night? Man, now there's a song probably written by that O, Say Can You See? guy, with that one note that comes outta nowhere:
Fall on your knees
O hear the angel voices
O night divine!
O night when Christ was born
O night DiVIIIIIIIIIINE!
Whew. I don't go falsetto there, though. O, no. Straight-up Axl Rose. It's horrid.
Yeah, well, it's what's on my mind. Sue me. And stop calling me Carol.
Do you sing along with O Holy Night? Man, now there's a song probably written by that O, Say Can You See? guy, with that one note that comes outta nowhere:
Fall on your knees
O hear the angel voices
O night divine!
O night when Christ was born
O night DiVIIIIIIIIIINE!
Whew. I don't go falsetto there, though. O, no. Straight-up Axl Rose. It's horrid.
12.02.2005
The Man With All The Toys
Just did my first of what will be many readings of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. Each year, subversive thoughts find their way into my brain as I'm reading this poem. Here are three:
When I read "...threw up the sash" I picture the fellow retching and pulling a beauty queen sash out of his mouth. (actually, it's more often a merit badge sash. Former Boy Scout.)
When I read "...his face it was broad" I want to read it like Jimmy Cagney. It makes no sense, but there it is.
When I read "...filled all the stockings and then turned with a jerk..." I picture Santa standing at the chimney, but suddenly there's Steve Martin beside him, arrow through head, yelling "The new phone book is here!"
Anyone else have crazy images flash though their brain whilst trying to read something not meant to be crazy? Another example of this might be something a friend told me 20 years ago that has made it hard to keep a straight face in church over the years.
He told me that instead of "Lead On, O King Eternal" he sang "Lead On, O Kinky Turtle." So sophomoric, yet there I am, Sunday morning, visions of turtles dancing in my head. Tsk.
I'd much rather have sugar plums in my head. Or even Steve Martin.
When I read "...threw up the sash" I picture the fellow retching and pulling a beauty queen sash out of his mouth. (actually, it's more often a merit badge sash. Former Boy Scout.)
When I read "...his face it was broad" I want to read it like Jimmy Cagney. It makes no sense, but there it is.
When I read "...filled all the stockings and then turned with a jerk..." I picture Santa standing at the chimney, but suddenly there's Steve Martin beside him, arrow through head, yelling "The new phone book is here!"
Anyone else have crazy images flash though their brain whilst trying to read something not meant to be crazy? Another example of this might be something a friend told me 20 years ago that has made it hard to keep a straight face in church over the years.
He told me that instead of "Lead On, O King Eternal" he sang "Lead On, O Kinky Turtle." So sophomoric, yet there I am, Sunday morning, visions of turtles dancing in my head. Tsk.
I'd much rather have sugar plums in my head. Or even Steve Martin.
12.01.2005
Draggin' The Line
Read this headline:
Spoof paper proceeds to buy shoes for needy kids
I think since headlines tend to put verbs early, I read it proceeds.
Then got to the end... then had to go back to the beginning. The spoof paper is buying shoes? Oh. proceeds.
How about you? Anyone else get the same reading?
Is this confusion reason enough for the head to be rewritten, or should people figure it out?
the story
Spoof paper proceeds to buy shoes for needy kids
I think since headlines tend to put verbs early, I read it proceeds.
Then got to the end... then had to go back to the beginning. The spoof paper is buying shoes? Oh. proceeds.
How about you? Anyone else get the same reading?
Is this confusion reason enough for the head to be rewritten, or should people figure it out?
the story
11.30.2005
The Wages of This Sin: Two Bucks
In Michigan, smokers pay $2.00 a pack in taxes for the privilege of standing out back in the rain. This tax hike passed over a year ago, mere weeks after it was soundly trounced as bad government. The story of its failure is here:
Estate, 'sin' tax bills fail in House
Now, a mere 19 months later, I've rewritten the headline.
Sin Tax Error
We'll just have to file that away for the next one.
.......
Why do I do this? Just as I'm about to hit Publish, I think Hey. I wonder if anyone else could ever have come up with this bit of wit? Let's check! Google says 386 other web pages already came up with my headline. Dangit! I could've left well enough alone, deluded in the thought that my stream of consciousness had lapped over some unturned punnish pebble, but nope. I checked. I am officially, again, wholely unoriginal.
Dangit.
[update: "stream of consciousness" +"punnish pebble" gets zero hits. I am at turns pleased and unamazed.]
......
Can't seem to Publish yet. One more thought, as I was trying to pun my way through the post title:
A regional meeting of church leaders where they cast a controversial vote (gay clergy, for example) could have a snarky headline in a partisan paper that reads:
Putting the 'Sin' in Synod
[checks Google. Ha! Zero!]
Full disclosure: this may have subconsciously been inspired by the tagline in Bridget's blog.
......
(One man's take on why sin taxes don't work can be found here)
Estate, 'sin' tax bills fail in House
Now, a mere 19 months later, I've rewritten the headline.
Sin Tax Error
We'll just have to file that away for the next one.
.......
Why do I do this? Just as I'm about to hit Publish, I think Hey. I wonder if anyone else could ever have come up with this bit of wit? Let's check! Google says 386 other web pages already came up with my headline. Dangit! I could've left well enough alone, deluded in the thought that my stream of consciousness had lapped over some unturned punnish pebble, but nope. I checked. I am officially, again, wholely unoriginal.
Dangit.
[update: "stream of consciousness" +"punnish pebble" gets zero hits. I am at turns pleased and unamazed.]
......
Can't seem to Publish yet. One more thought, as I was trying to pun my way through the post title:
A regional meeting of church leaders where they cast a controversial vote (gay clergy, for example) could have a snarky headline in a partisan paper that reads:
Putting the 'Sin' in Synod
[checks Google. Ha! Zero!]
Full disclosure: this may have subconsciously been inspired by the tagline in Bridget's blog.
......
(One man's take on why sin taxes don't work can be found here)
11.27.2005
Come On!
More billboard reflections.
This one is an derivation of what I call Frag Tags: Fragmented taglines in a headline that work awfully hard to make their product seem hipper than it usually is. One example is the billboard that I still see daily advertising "Quality. Hometown. Care." Wal-Mart advertises "Good. Works."
I submit that these gimmicks rarely add anything more to the content. Well, periods, I suppose.
One I saw recently that I liked was:
Serious. Fun.
That works for me. Another one I saw somewhere was:
Logical. Phallus-y.
I didn't really get that one, but it works.
Any-hoo. back to "Wellcome." I assume it's to be read as a Frag Tag:
Well. Come.
It's for a health plan of some sort (the pic above's an artist's rendering, BTW... I'm still not stopping by woods on a snowy highway to snap pics), and they want me to know that if I use their plan, I'll be well. And I should come.
OK. For me, it doesn't add any more meaning than "quality care" does. Actually, it's more confusing. It sounds like something you'd say to a dog who doesn't get that you have a treat for him: Well? Come!
But what it does do is put a commonly misspelled word on a highway billboard in 4,000 point Times New Roman. "Wellcome" hasn't reached "Comming" proportions (still #1 five years running), but this 'board may make it a contender.
Yes, the misspelling is intentional... part of the charm of the ad, I suppose. That doesn't mean that many won't see it and subconsciously file away the new "Two Ls in 'Wellcome'" rule.
I believe in the First Amendment right to say or print what you wish. But I think there should be a fine for folks who contribute to American-youth-spelling-test-failure. Maybe for every intentional misspelling they create, they have to hand-grade 4,000 standardized English tests.
You say: comming from you, that's rich. You've got a typo in, like, every post.
I say: yeah. but at leaast it's not in 4,000 point type. And no one reads this blog, so your point is mute.
11.22.2005
Unique New York. Red Leather, Yellow Leather.
I got this warning message when installing software today. There is no Photoshop trickery involved.
Update: I updated the Updater, and Adobe's up-to-date.
Update: I updated the Updater, and Adobe's up-to-date.
11.21.2005
Vanity of Vanities; All is Vanity
Hey, Mr. '05 Mustang Driver. You blew by me so dang fast I could barely make out your vanity plate:
MRLDCTY
Now, as humbly as possible, I'd like to say that I'm pretty darn good at figuring out vanity plates. I'm usually the first one in a group to shout it out. Now, now, no comments about the social life of a person who takes pride in being the best vanity-plate-figure-outer. Stay on topic, Vanity Plate Man. This is about you, not me. Your plate left me STR8UP stumped.
IMHO, vanity plates are MENT2B understood. An inside joke plate is a waste of money. Vanity plates are all about others' recognition of your wit and good humour:
A1ANA2? A-1? Like the steak sauce? Who's Ana? Oh, A one and a two! He's a conductor! Ha ha! Good show!
(A1ANA2, famously, was Lawrence Welk's vanity plate)
So, back to you.
MRLDCTY.
Mr. Lead City? This is my best shot. But I can't figure this out. It's a Michigan plate... We're not a big lead producer, as far as I know. Judging by the speed at which you passed me, you have a Lead Foot, but are speeders referred to as being from "Lead City"? Not that I know of.
Is your name Merle? You didn't look like a Merle. Not to pigeonhole you or anything. Besides, I still don't make anything of it. Merle D. City?
Meryl? A Meryl Streep fan, perhaps? And your plate references the state of being that comes about on the eve of a new Streep movie... Meryldicity?
No, Cool Car Guy, I can't get it. Therefore, I dub thine plate whack.
The truth hurts, my man. Pick yourself up, get to the DMV, and take a Vanity Plate Mulligan. My suggestion:
CHZYPL8
MRLDCTY
Now, as humbly as possible, I'd like to say that I'm pretty darn good at figuring out vanity plates. I'm usually the first one in a group to shout it out. Now, now, no comments about the social life of a person who takes pride in being the best vanity-plate-figure-outer. Stay on topic, Vanity Plate Man. This is about you, not me. Your plate left me STR8UP stumped.
IMHO, vanity plates are MENT2B understood. An inside joke plate is a waste of money. Vanity plates are all about others' recognition of your wit and good humour:
A1ANA2? A-1? Like the steak sauce? Who's Ana? Oh, A one and a two! He's a conductor! Ha ha! Good show!
(A1ANA2, famously, was Lawrence Welk's vanity plate)
So, back to you.
MRLDCTY.
Mr. Lead City? This is my best shot. But I can't figure this out. It's a Michigan plate... We're not a big lead producer, as far as I know. Judging by the speed at which you passed me, you have a Lead Foot, but are speeders referred to as being from "Lead City"? Not that I know of.
Is your name Merle? You didn't look like a Merle. Not to pigeonhole you or anything. Besides, I still don't make anything of it. Merle D. City?
Meryl? A Meryl Streep fan, perhaps? And your plate references the state of being that comes about on the eve of a new Streep movie... Meryldicity?
No, Cool Car Guy, I can't get it. Therefore, I dub thine plate whack.
The truth hurts, my man. Pick yourself up, get to the DMV, and take a Vanity Plate Mulligan. My suggestion:
CHZYPL8
11.17.2005
Logical. Phallus-y.
Mere months after Pimp Dose, we've got another vandal in the school.
His tag:
penis
It's written in red sharpie on lockers, in the stairwell, on railings.
This may be the work of a group. There's a chance they're a new gang, marking their territory with graffiti. While it's easier to read than typical gang tags, it's just as confusing. There is no punctauation to help us.
Is this a triumphant announcement of his/their manhood? (Penis!)
Is it shock at a recent discovery? (Penis?!)
Or is it, as I'm hoping, the start of a campaign?
Much like the billboards that post a series of teasers before the entire ad appears, I think "penis" will soon have a "The" in front of it:
The
penis
A few days later, the rest of the text will follow:
The
penis
mightier than
the sword.
Clever, penis-man. Very clever, indeed.
His tag:
penis
It's written in red sharpie on lockers, in the stairwell, on railings.
This may be the work of a group. There's a chance they're a new gang, marking their territory with graffiti. While it's easier to read than typical gang tags, it's just as confusing. There is no punctauation to help us.
Is this a triumphant announcement of his/their manhood? (Penis!)
Is it shock at a recent discovery? (Penis?!)
Or is it, as I'm hoping, the start of a campaign?
Much like the billboards that post a series of teasers before the entire ad appears, I think "penis" will soon have a "The" in front of it:
The
penis
A few days later, the rest of the text will follow:
The
penis
mightier than
the sword.
Clever, penis-man. Very clever, indeed.
11.14.2005
Oh, Ya. You Betcha.
This billboard greets me on the way to work every day. Actually, this is my Photoshopped rendering of it, since I'm not wont to stop on the freeway and take a picture. What interests me is the deliberation in the art department of where to place that two-foot high apostrophe:
...no, "ya" isn't a word. it's an abbreviation of "you."
Yeah, but what letter are you replacing with the apostrophe?
What are you talking about?! The apostrophe is there to show people that we know we're using nonstandard English!
What, is that from Strunk & White: The Lost Elements? You're making up usage!
Dude, just put in the apostrophe.
Fine. Where does it go?
Just put it where it makes sense...
Maybe because we put one in "y'all", they thought we needed one here. Of course, then we'd have:
ORANGE Y'A GLAD TO SEE US?
Which just looks silly.
If Ya, sans punctuation, is good enough for Outkast, it should be good enough for Adams Outdoor Advertising.
11.10.2005
Darkness Falls
Ah, The Darkness.
The boys who gave us lyrics like:
Snowflakes melt in hell
That it would end
Don't let the bells end
Christmas time
Just let me leave please
are back with a new single.
It's called:
One Way Ticket To Hell... And Back
The thing about The Darkness is this: you're never quite sure if it's a joke. I think that's why I find them so appealing.
Either way, this song rocks. Even if I hadn't heard it, I'd love it from the title alone: a one-way round trip, baby.
It makes absolutely no sense.
And therein lies the beauty. Even deciphering the lyrics about highs and lows of cocaine abuse really sheds no more light.
And that's OK.
'Cuz they rock.
[outro]
...One way ticket to hell and back(yeah)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back(ooh yeah)
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell (oooh yeaah)
One way ticket to hell and back(woo!)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell...
The boys who gave us lyrics like:
Snowflakes melt in hell
That it would end
Don't let the bells end
Christmas time
Just let me leave please
are back with a new single.
It's called:
One Way Ticket To Hell... And Back
The thing about The Darkness is this: you're never quite sure if it's a joke. I think that's why I find them so appealing.
Either way, this song rocks. Even if I hadn't heard it, I'd love it from the title alone: a one-way round trip, baby.
It makes absolutely no sense.
And therein lies the beauty. Even deciphering the lyrics about highs and lows of cocaine abuse really sheds no more light.
And that's OK.
'Cuz they rock.
[outro]
...One way ticket to hell and back(yeah)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back(ooh yeah)
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell (oooh yeaah)
One way ticket to hell and back(woo!)
Bought a one way ticket to hell and back
One way ticket to hell and back,
Bought a one way ticket to hell...
11.08.2005
Three Words I Use When I Want To Sound Smarter Than I Am
Irrespective
Hierarchy (pronouncing it hear-arky)
Ephemeral
What are yours?
Hierarchy (pronouncing it hear-arky)
Ephemeral
What are yours?
11.07.2005
Friskies Business
Here's a partial transcript from a commercial that plays on my radio at times:
...This is [radio personality]. You've heard me talk about my cats and how much they love Purina, as well as myself...
Whoa. The first time I heard it, I was sure I'd heard incorrectly. This could not be what it said. The next time, I wrote it down, in awe.
To me, the most literal reading of her message is:
I'm [radio personality]. You've heard me tell you how much my cats love [Purina cat food and] me.
Now, she doesn't say "love me". She says "...how much they love Purina, as well as myself." Which sounds like a fairly common misuse of a reflexive pronoun. So we would assume she meant "how much they love Purina, as well as me."
But, this isn't what she means, is it? She means to tell us that both she and her cats love Purina. Something like:
This is [radio personality]. You've heard me talk about how much my cats and I love Purina.
Now, this does bring to mind a radio host sitting down at the breakfast table with her coffee and a bowl of dry cat food. And, maybe that's why it isn't worded this way... someone thought it sounded weird. We need a rewrite from the ground up.
The problem, here, again, is this:
Aren't there people who proof these things? Even after it's aired, doesn't someone hear it and go "Uh, guys? Yeah, [radio personality]'s on the radio saying her cats love her. It just sounds weird. And she's using reflexive pronouns instead of standard personal pronouns. Can we get a rewrite?"
And the answer, again, comes back.
No. No, there aren't.
Sigh.
...This is [radio personality]. You've heard me talk about my cats and how much they love Purina, as well as myself...
Whoa. The first time I heard it, I was sure I'd heard incorrectly. This could not be what it said. The next time, I wrote it down, in awe.
To me, the most literal reading of her message is:
I'm [radio personality]. You've heard me tell you how much my cats love [Purina cat food and] me.
Now, she doesn't say "love me". She says "...how much they love Purina, as well as myself." Which sounds like a fairly common misuse of a reflexive pronoun. So we would assume she meant "how much they love Purina, as well as me."
But, this isn't what she means, is it? She means to tell us that both she and her cats love Purina. Something like:
This is [radio personality]. You've heard me talk about how much my cats and I love Purina.
Now, this does bring to mind a radio host sitting down at the breakfast table with her coffee and a bowl of dry cat food. And, maybe that's why it isn't worded this way... someone thought it sounded weird. We need a rewrite from the ground up.
The problem, here, again, is this:
Aren't there people who proof these things? Even after it's aired, doesn't someone hear it and go "Uh, guys? Yeah, [radio personality]'s on the radio saying her cats love her. It just sounds weird. And she's using reflexive pronouns instead of standard personal pronouns. Can we get a rewrite?"
And the answer, again, comes back.
No. No, there aren't.
Sigh.
11.06.2005
Something Wicked Segue Comes*
The news this morning had a story about a family that moved back into its flooded home in New Orleans to find it had been invaded by water moccasins. Every time they opened a door or moved a piece of furniture, a snake slithered out to greet them.
After this piece, the anchor threw to the weatherman with this:
"...Luckily, nothing like that weatherwise is going to bug us today..."
Yes, luckily there are no poisonous snakes in the weather today. And luckily, today we will not have to return to a destroyed home after over a month away. Boy, it sure would suck to be them! Haha! Luckily, it's going to be nearly 70 today!
Do we really need a segue? In TV Anchorman School, it must be drilled into young recruits, because this is only a small example of something that happens every day. In local news, especially, but the Bigs do it, too. I would like the weather, thank you, but I'm not terribly concerned that it somehow ties to the previous story.
Just tell me that it's time for the weather.
Thanks.
*A stretch, yes. The other, less stretchy title was Where There's A Will, There's A Segue.
After this piece, the anchor threw to the weatherman with this:
"...Luckily, nothing like that weatherwise is going to bug us today..."
Yes, luckily there are no poisonous snakes in the weather today. And luckily, today we will not have to return to a destroyed home after over a month away. Boy, it sure would suck to be them! Haha! Luckily, it's going to be nearly 70 today!
Do we really need a segue? In TV Anchorman School, it must be drilled into young recruits, because this is only a small example of something that happens every day. In local news, especially, but the Bigs do it, too. I would like the weather, thank you, but I'm not terribly concerned that it somehow ties to the previous story.
Just tell me that it's time for the weather.
Thanks.
*A stretch, yes. The other, less stretchy title was Where There's A Will, There's A Segue.
11.01.2005
The Remains Of The Day
When does a body become a remain?
Today, I have heard various reports, some talking about Rosa Parks' body, others about her remains.
AP:
"The Senate approved a resolution Thursday allowing her remains to lie in honor in the Rotunda..."
MSNBC:
"When they learned Friday night that Parks’ body would lie in honor in the Capitol, Cunningham’s wife said, “We have to go.”"
Many skip the distinction, saying simply that she will "lie in honor."
Is there a distinction? To me, remains suggests ashes, or something more gruesome. I must be off here, though, since it seems a fairly common way to refer to the body of one who has passed.
Hoping someone else will do the research, I wonder if it has to do with bodies that are not immediately buried, but are on view for a period.
Finally, as I got into this post I realized it might seem inappropriate. I do not mean to diminish the legacy of a civil rights pioneer by quibbling semantics. This is simply a straight question of usage that had never occurred to me before today.
Today, I have heard various reports, some talking about Rosa Parks' body, others about her remains.
AP:
"The Senate approved a resolution Thursday allowing her remains to lie in honor in the Rotunda..."
MSNBC:
"When they learned Friday night that Parks’ body would lie in honor in the Capitol, Cunningham’s wife said, “We have to go.”"
Many skip the distinction, saying simply that she will "lie in honor."
Is there a distinction? To me, remains suggests ashes, or something more gruesome. I must be off here, though, since it seems a fairly common way to refer to the body of one who has passed.
Hoping someone else will do the research, I wonder if it has to do with bodies that are not immediately buried, but are on view for a period.
Finally, as I got into this post I realized it might seem inappropriate. I do not mean to diminish the legacy of a civil rights pioneer by quibbling semantics. This is simply a straight question of usage that had never occurred to me before today.
10.31.2005
Jokes I Remember From Junior High (3 of 4)
Traffic has dropped by half since I began the Jr. High series. Coincidence?
In other news, four people searching for "the infamous el guapo" have found me recently.
Now, to it:
Q: What do olive loaf and Sarah Jesica Parker have in common?
A: One's a Square Peg, while the other's a Square Pig.
You will be shocked to learn that this is one I penned myself.
Even in 7th grade, this was not seen as quality material.
As I reflect upon this piece, I wonder if it could have been reworked for greater effect:
Q: Did you hear about the new show with Porky, Babe*, and Wilbur as dorky kids trying to make it into the high school in-crowd?
A: It's called "Square Pigs".
Yeah, that's a lot better.
"WABAC machine, set for 1982. We've got to find my 7th grade self and get him this joke. It could change his entire future..."
*Of course, Babe didn't exist in 1982. Hmm.. Miss Piggy seems obvious, but I don't like the use of "pig" in the set-up, since it's the punchline. "Kermit's girlfriend", maybe. Any-hoo.
In other news, four people searching for "the infamous el guapo" have found me recently.
Now, to it:
Q: What do olive loaf and Sarah Jesica Parker have in common?
A: One's a Square Peg, while the other's a Square Pig.
You will be shocked to learn that this is one I penned myself.
Even in 7th grade, this was not seen as quality material.
As I reflect upon this piece, I wonder if it could have been reworked for greater effect:
Q: Did you hear about the new show with Porky, Babe*, and Wilbur as dorky kids trying to make it into the high school in-crowd?
A: It's called "Square Pigs".
Yeah, that's a lot better.
"WABAC machine, set for 1982. We've got to find my 7th grade self and get him this joke. It could change his entire future..."
*Of course, Babe didn't exist in 1982. Hmm.. Miss Piggy seems obvious, but I don't like the use of "pig" in the set-up, since it's the punchline. "Kermit's girlfriend", maybe. Any-hoo.
10.27.2005
Jokes I Remember From Junior High (2 of 7)
For this one, I took a one-line joke and turned it into a fairly epic tale. Please remember this is 7th grade. The language is '80s-tinged, and the puns are awful. My humor is much more sophisticated now.
* * * * * * *
The Potato family was a happy one. Mother and Father Potato lived with their three daughters. The children grew, and before they knew it, the eldest was off to see the world. One evening, the family was sitting about watching TV (M*A*S*H, natch) when the phone rang. It was their daughter.
"Mom! Dad! I'm getting married!"
"Ore-Ida!" said her father, who'd been hoping she'd marry soon. "Who is he?"
"Oh, dad, you'll love him. He's a doctor."
Well, dad was indeed excited to have such prestige brought to his family. There was a huge wedding and celebration.
A year passed, and the middle child left home for Art School (Julienne) . Soon, a call came. The family stopped watching their movie (The Eyes of Laura Mars) to listen in.
"Mom! I'm getting married! He's a District Attorney! And, he's a real spud muffin!"
"Totally tuberlar!" exclaimed mom.
There was a large wedding and a wonderful party.
Finally, the third daughter left to follow her dream. Her parents could only hope it wouldn't be half-baked. They worried that their small fry might not make a wise decision.
Then, the call came, right in the middle of CHiPs.
"Mom! Dad! I'm marrying Dan Rather!"
Oh, they were not happy.
Mom was boiling. Dad turned red potato. There was no large wedding. They were ashamed.
Because their first two daughters had married so well, and the third had married a commentater.
* * * * * * *
I haven't told this joke in years. It could use updating. The first that comes to mind is that the 3rd girl could marry "Tim Russet". Other ideas?
* * * * * * *
The Potato family was a happy one. Mother and Father Potato lived with their three daughters. The children grew, and before they knew it, the eldest was off to see the world. One evening, the family was sitting about watching TV (M*A*S*H, natch) when the phone rang. It was their daughter.
"Mom! Dad! I'm getting married!"
"Ore-Ida!" said her father, who'd been hoping she'd marry soon. "Who is he?"
"Oh, dad, you'll love him. He's a doctor."
Well, dad was indeed excited to have such prestige brought to his family. There was a huge wedding and celebration.
A year passed, and the middle child left home for Art School (Julienne) . Soon, a call came. The family stopped watching their movie (The Eyes of Laura Mars) to listen in.
"Mom! I'm getting married! He's a District Attorney! And, he's a real spud muffin!"
"Totally tuberlar!" exclaimed mom.
There was a large wedding and a wonderful party.
Finally, the third daughter left to follow her dream. Her parents could only hope it wouldn't be half-baked. They worried that their small fry might not make a wise decision.
Then, the call came, right in the middle of CHiPs.
"Mom! Dad! I'm marrying Dan Rather!"
Oh, they were not happy.
Mom was boiling. Dad turned red potato. There was no large wedding. They were ashamed.
Because their first two daughters had married so well, and the third had married a commentater.
* * * * * * *
I haven't told this joke in years. It could use updating. The first that comes to mind is that the 3rd girl could marry "Tim Russet". Other ideas?
Jokes I Remember From Junior High (1 of 7)
A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher walk into a bar.
"Ow," they say.
"Ow," they say.
10.26.2005
10.25.2005
HAPPY LARGE TRANSLATION WILL OCCUR!
There's a pizza place in my town that has an arcade. All of the games, as far as I can tell, come straight from Japan. Most of the text is symbols (Kanji?), but some is in English. Like the marksmanship game where you shoot a mug and it explodes:
THE CUP WILL SPLATTER! TEST YOU SKILL!
Or the street luge game that promises:
AMAZING ACTION DOWN THE HILL! TRY YOUR RIDE!
These are good for a chuckle, similar to the crazy popularity of ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.
That would be the end of it... but today I was searching for the latest Elmo toy (hey, give me a break), clicked I'm Feeling Lucky, and this came up, courtesy Engrish.com:
"Engrish", I find, has quite a following. It is the term used to describe poor Japanese to English translations. I remember looking at a puzzle game in line at the gas station, with the directions telling the owner to FIRST ONLY DECOMPOSE THE CUBE, and saying to myself: huh.
Well, the folks at Engrish.com and a boatload of other sites have collected many of these crazy things for you. Some are beyond belief. "They must be Photoshopped!" you cry. "Crap my hands?!" The webmaster says no, they're all legit. Like:
My first thought was that the term "Engrish" was just too inappropriate, and that I couldn't ever bring myself to use it. I still may not out loud... but it sure is all over the place, and seems to be the accepted term. That doesn't make it OK, I realize. I am still amazed at how something so niche can have such a following on the internet.
Which makes me again wonder: If there's so much Engrish stuff in cyberspace, why can't we get more ARK II information out there?
10.21.2005
10.18.2005
You Can't Have Egg, Bacon, Spam and Sausage Without the Spam!
Mash-up words are fun. Like Spice + Ham = Spiced Ham = Spam.
Pastabilities.
Spambot.
Charpool.
Or, heaven forbid, Betsimpsier.
I'm sure there's a word for words like that... anyone know it?
Anyhow, this is my post about spam. And how I've got to make it stop, so I'm making comment-posters type a crazy, curvy nonsense word that looks like it's written on the melting walls in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I've put this off, because it's a small hassle to people trying to dash off a quick reply. You just want to post a thought, and the computer says: "Type "Cthulhu" into this box to make sure you're not a spammer." Or "Clhuuh", I'm not sure. I usually get them wrong on the first attempt. So they give me "Brylwor"* to try again. Actually, can I get another shot at "Cthulhu"? I think I can get it this time. Now, it's "umlaut". Now "Ageageray"*. Now "Thirttlye"* I give up. The world will never know my rakish wit. I have been marginalized by the Spambot Guardian. Post I Shall No More.
So, I apologize for instituting such measures. But I get these posts, and I don't even know where in my blog they're posting in order to delete them. My email says I have a new post (yay!) and it's someone who thinks my blog is awesome (sweet!) and they'll be back for sure (woo-hoo!) and, by the by, they have a great blog about erectile dysfunction (...). What it doesn't say is which post out of a year's worth it's gone to. Sigh.
So, there it is. Sorry. Good luck.
*These names are taken from here. Try generating "consonant-heavy" names. Fun!**
**"Fun" being relative, of course.
Pastabilities.
Spambot.
Charpool.
Or, heaven forbid, Betsimpsier.
I'm sure there's a word for words like that... anyone know it?
Anyhow, this is my post about spam. And how I've got to make it stop, so I'm making comment-posters type a crazy, curvy nonsense word that looks like it's written on the melting walls in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I've put this off, because it's a small hassle to people trying to dash off a quick reply. You just want to post a thought, and the computer says: "Type "Cthulhu" into this box to make sure you're not a spammer." Or "Clhuuh", I'm not sure. I usually get them wrong on the first attempt. So they give me "Brylwor"* to try again. Actually, can I get another shot at "Cthulhu"? I think I can get it this time. Now, it's "umlaut". Now "Ageageray"*. Now "Thirttlye"* I give up. The world will never know my rakish wit. I have been marginalized by the Spambot Guardian. Post I Shall No More.
So, I apologize for instituting such measures. But I get these posts, and I don't even know where in my blog they're posting in order to delete them. My email says I have a new post (yay!) and it's someone who thinks my blog is awesome (sweet!) and they'll be back for sure (woo-hoo!) and, by the by, they have a great blog about erectile dysfunction (...). What it doesn't say is which post out of a year's worth it's gone to. Sigh.
So, there it is. Sorry. Good luck.
*These names are taken from here. Try generating "consonant-heavy" names. Fun!**
**"Fun" being relative, of course.
10.14.2005
Stinkin' Up The Place
In Eldest (young adult Star Wars/Lord of the Rings knockoff written by a dude who's, like, twelve), a character presents the possibilty of using barges to facilitate an escape, and someone says:
Barges? We don't need no stinking barges!
Man. The Sierra Madre (or, more likely, Blazing Saddles) reference is completely out of place in this elf/dwarf/dragon/magic fantasy epic. If the book were built upon quirky pop-culture references (Xanth, anyone?), OK. But it's not. This is not a funny tale.
"We don't need no stinkin'" this and that has been a popular phraseology for years, and this is not the first time I've thought about it. It's just the first time I've had a blog in which to think it through.
Google gives 174,000 hits for the phrase "We don't need no stinkin'". 142,000 for "We don't need no stinking". It gives only 14,800 hits for "We don't need no steenkin'", but that still seems impressive for a phonetically-spelled word. There are even over a thousand hits for "We don't need no steeenkin'".
People like this phrase.
Here's a look at Google's first ten hits for places that say they don't need no stinkin' something:
1. We don't need no stinkin' login!
2. Singelton? We don't need no stinkin' Singleton!
3. 401K? We don't need no stinkin' 401K!
4. Books? We don't nee no stinkin' books!
5. Training? We don't need no stinkin' training!"
6. Keyframes? We don't need no stinkin' keyframes!
7. Rules? I don't need no stinkin' rules!
8. We don't need no stinkin' stats!
9. We don't need no stinkin' love songs!
10. We don't need no stinkin' cookies!
The Stinking Badges Home Page is a pretty nifty catalog of references, a look at how this quote has permeated our culture. It also has as its first entry the actual quote, from the book and movie, which has been misquoted ever since.
While some use the structure "We don't need no stinkin' X" (X being whatever it is we need no stinkin' of), most retain the structure "X? We don't need no stinkin' X!", using X as a question before commenting on our need for X.
People who have time to make up names for this sort of thing call them "snowclones". The term refers to any adaptable cliché, where a word is replaced with a different word appropriate to the conversation at hand. For example:
To see, or not to see?
The name comes from the oft-repeated (and apparently erroneous) statement:
The Eskimos have __ words for for snow... (usually followed by something like "surely you can come up with __ words for ____.")
So. Why do we dig the "don't need no stinkin'" phrasing so much? Is it because it gives us an excuse to use poor grammar? Or the excuse to use an over-the-top accent typical of Mexican Bandits? We get to say "steenkin'", which is fun... shades of "friggin'", but with a touch of danger attached. But doesn't it get old? Probably not for deadline-pressed admen and headline writers.
I think there's a place to add this to a database of snowclones. I'll have to do that. Unless it's already there. In which case, I'm again late to the stinkin' party.
Barges? We don't need no stinking barges!
Man. The Sierra Madre (or, more likely, Blazing Saddles) reference is completely out of place in this elf/dwarf/dragon/magic fantasy epic. If the book were built upon quirky pop-culture references (Xanth, anyone?), OK. But it's not. This is not a funny tale.
"We don't need no stinkin'" this and that has been a popular phraseology for years, and this is not the first time I've thought about it. It's just the first time I've had a blog in which to think it through.
Google gives 174,000 hits for the phrase "We don't need no stinkin'". 142,000 for "We don't need no stinking". It gives only 14,800 hits for "We don't need no steenkin'", but that still seems impressive for a phonetically-spelled word. There are even over a thousand hits for "We don't need no steeenkin'".
People like this phrase.
Here's a look at Google's first ten hits for places that say they don't need no stinkin' something:
1. We don't need no stinkin' login!
2. Singelton? We don't need no stinkin' Singleton!
3. 401K? We don't need no stinkin' 401K!
4. Books? We don't nee no stinkin' books!
5. Training? We don't need no stinkin' training!"
6. Keyframes? We don't need no stinkin' keyframes!
7. Rules? I don't need no stinkin' rules!
8. We don't need no stinkin' stats!
9. We don't need no stinkin' love songs!
10. We don't need no stinkin' cookies!
The Stinking Badges Home Page is a pretty nifty catalog of references, a look at how this quote has permeated our culture. It also has as its first entry the actual quote, from the book and movie, which has been misquoted ever since.
While some use the structure "We don't need no stinkin' X" (X being whatever it is we need no stinkin' of), most retain the structure "X? We don't need no stinkin' X!", using X as a question before commenting on our need for X.
People who have time to make up names for this sort of thing call them "snowclones". The term refers to any adaptable cliché, where a word is replaced with a different word appropriate to the conversation at hand. For example:
To see, or not to see?
The name comes from the oft-repeated (and apparently erroneous) statement:
The Eskimos have __ words for for snow... (usually followed by something like "surely you can come up with __ words for ____.")
So. Why do we dig the "don't need no stinkin'" phrasing so much? Is it because it gives us an excuse to use poor grammar? Or the excuse to use an over-the-top accent typical of Mexican Bandits? We get to say "steenkin'", which is fun... shades of "friggin'", but with a touch of danger attached. But doesn't it get old? Probably not for deadline-pressed admen and headline writers.
I think there's a place to add this to a database of snowclones. I'll have to do that. Unless it's already there. In which case, I'm again late to the stinkin' party.
10.12.2005
Of Carpools and Malapropisms
In the carpool yesterday, a young science teacher told the story of setiing up an experiment using a small, scissor/tweezer-esque implement. A couple of students asked:
"Is that your Rose Clip?"
She wasn't catching their reference, but the way they snickered she was pretty sure it was drug-related. They found it even funnier that she didn't know what they were talking about.
In the 'pool, we explained to her they were probably talking about a Roach Clip.
What have we learned today?
1. Two young men laughed at their teacher for not knowing what a "rose clip" is.
2. The closest thing Google gets to their meaning for the term is "Download Charlie Rose Clip"
3. Sadly, the irony of the situation will forever be lost to these two fellows.
"Is that your Rose Clip?"
She wasn't catching their reference, but the way they snickered she was pretty sure it was drug-related. They found it even funnier that she didn't know what they were talking about.
In the 'pool, we explained to her they were probably talking about a Roach Clip.
What have we learned today?
1. Two young men laughed at their teacher for not knowing what a "rose clip" is.
2. The closest thing Google gets to their meaning for the term is "Download Charlie Rose Clip"
3. Sadly, the irony of the situation will forever be lost to these two fellows.
10.10.2005
Bork Bork Bork
And now, time for another episode of Stating the Obvious...
It's tough to write the way people talk.
I mean, yeah, of course it is. Some are better at it than others. I happen to enjoy Tom Wolfe (deal with it), and his contrived spellings that imitate dialect are fun for me. But I don't really feel I know what the person sounds like. Only a caricature of the person.
I'm thinking of this, because a post heading at ilani ilani is Ancient Egyptian Pronunciation. Which, of course, made me think of the Calgon ad that ends with the lady saying:
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
But that doesn't get the way she says it, does it? It's more:
Ancient Chinese secret, hanh?
Or perhaps:
Ancient Chinese secret, huuuh?
This lines up more with what's in my head. But if you don't know the ad, the last word comes off as something Patrick Star might utter.
So. If we can't guarantee the reading will be what we wish, do we skip it altogether? There's a nice piece here where the author uses Gone With the Wind to make a pretty convincing argument against dailectic spelling.
But, who cares, really? What I really wanted to show you is what I suppose some will see as a vaguely offensive site, as it purports to translate any text into Jive (a la Airplane!). I'll let you take that one on your own... I instead translated a part of yesterday's post into Swedish Chef.
A Hut Met
Vhy du I hefe-a sooch a prublem veet met beellbuerds?
I theenk met is bed, und needs tu be-a stupped. Bork bork bork! Boot ere-a cunffooseeng merketeeng cempeeegns zee vey tu gu?
Zee letest tegleene-a:
Theenk met is pretty? Yeeh, pretty stoopeed. Bork bork bork!
OoK. It vuoold be-a a clefer vurdpley iff I thuooght peuple-a reelly theenk met is "pretty". Hefe-a uny ooff yuoo ell ifer essuceeeted met veet beooty? I theenk ooff heellbillies, durty bethtoobs, und gereges. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ooff cuoorse-a, I'm nut zee terget oodeeence-a. Boot du yuoo theenk keeds see-a met es pretty? I dun't see-a it. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Et ell.
Meybe-a I'm vey ooffff. I'd leeke-a sumeune-a tu tell me-a thees mekes sense-a. Becoose-a I'm soore-a a lutta duoogh vent intu it. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Und meybe-a zee cleferness ooff zee messege-a isn't vhet's impurtunt. Um de hur de hur de hur... meybe-a it's ebuoot increesed evereness: "met is pretty stoopeed". OoK. Boot troot.cum muneges tu be-a but insunely ooreeginel, clefer, und subereeng et zee seme-a teeme-a. It cun be-a dune-a.
Zeere-a is a TF ed tu gu veet it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee fueeceufer verns thet "yuoo cun becume-a eddeected effter joost yuoor secund use-a." Hooh. Su zee furst is a geemme-a, epperently. Bork bork bork!
Sounds rather Jar-Jar, but fun nonetheless. And an example of dialectic spelling where you really need to have a reference to read it. I can't see this working if I didn't know the Swedish Chef.
It's tough to write the way people talk.
I mean, yeah, of course it is. Some are better at it than others. I happen to enjoy Tom Wolfe (deal with it), and his contrived spellings that imitate dialect are fun for me. But I don't really feel I know what the person sounds like. Only a caricature of the person.
I'm thinking of this, because a post heading at ilani ilani is Ancient Egyptian Pronunciation. Which, of course, made me think of the Calgon ad that ends with the lady saying:
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
But that doesn't get the way she says it, does it? It's more:
Ancient Chinese secret, hanh?
Or perhaps:
Ancient Chinese secret, huuuh?
This lines up more with what's in my head. But if you don't know the ad, the last word comes off as something Patrick Star might utter.
So. If we can't guarantee the reading will be what we wish, do we skip it altogether? There's a nice piece here where the author uses Gone With the Wind to make a pretty convincing argument against dailectic spelling.
But, who cares, really? What I really wanted to show you is what I suppose some will see as a vaguely offensive site, as it purports to translate any text into Jive (a la Airplane!). I'll let you take that one on your own... I instead translated a part of yesterday's post into Swedish Chef.
A Hut Met
Vhy du I hefe-a sooch a prublem veet met beellbuerds?
I theenk met is bed, und needs tu be-a stupped. Bork bork bork! Boot ere-a cunffooseeng merketeeng cempeeegns zee vey tu gu?
Zee letest tegleene-a:
Theenk met is pretty? Yeeh, pretty stoopeed. Bork bork bork!
OoK. It vuoold be-a a clefer vurdpley iff I thuooght peuple-a reelly theenk met is "pretty". Hefe-a uny ooff yuoo ell ifer essuceeeted met veet beooty? I theenk ooff heellbillies, durty bethtoobs, und gereges. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ooff cuoorse-a, I'm nut zee terget oodeeence-a. Boot du yuoo theenk keeds see-a met es pretty? I dun't see-a it. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Et ell.
Meybe-a I'm vey ooffff. I'd leeke-a sumeune-a tu tell me-a thees mekes sense-a. Becoose-a I'm soore-a a lutta duoogh vent intu it. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Und meybe-a zee cleferness ooff zee messege-a isn't vhet's impurtunt. Um de hur de hur de hur... meybe-a it's ebuoot increesed evereness: "met is pretty stoopeed". OoK. Boot troot.cum muneges tu be-a but insunely ooreeginel, clefer, und subereeng et zee seme-a teeme-a. It cun be-a dune-a.
Zeere-a is a TF ed tu gu veet it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee fueeceufer verns thet "yuoo cun becume-a eddeected effter joost yuoor secund use-a." Hooh. Su zee furst is a geemme-a, epperently. Bork bork bork!
Sounds rather Jar-Jar, but fun nonetheless. And an example of dialectic spelling where you really need to have a reference to read it. I can't see this working if I didn't know the Swedish Chef.
10.09.2005
A Hot Meth
Why do I have such a problem with meth billboards?
I think meth is bad, and needs to be stopped. But are confusing marketing campaigns the way to go?
The latest tagline:
Think meth is pretty? Yeah, pretty stupid.
OK. It would be a clever wordplay if I thought people really think meth is "pretty". Have any of you all ever associated meth with beauty? I think of hillbillies, dirty bathtubs, and garages. Of course, I'm not the target audience. But do you think kids see meth as pretty? I don't see it.
At all.
Maybe I'm way off. I'd like someone to tell me this makes sense. Because I'm sure a lotta dough went into it.
And maybe the cleverness of the message isn't what's important... maybe it's about increased awareness: "meth is pretty stupid". OK. But truth.com manages to be both insanely original, clever, and sobering at the same time. It can be done.
There is a TV ad to go with it. The voiceover warns that "you can become addicted after just your second use." Huh. So the first is a gimme, apparently.
This may be just a Michigan campaign. And it looks pretty slick. But it doesn't work for me. I tried finding any kind of a link to show you the ad, but I think it's too new. There is one campaign I found that I love, though.
Partnership for a Drug-Free America put out Faces of Meth (the name itself a clever play on "Faces of Death"), which shows mugshots of people before and after using meth. Whoa. Check out the woman who after four years turned into Bride of Frankenstein.
So, what do you think? Does it matter how dopey the presentation is as long as the message is out there? Or should it actually make sense?
BTW, I think a website devoted to meth info should be called "Methopotamia".
I think meth is bad, and needs to be stopped. But are confusing marketing campaigns the way to go?
The latest tagline:
Think meth is pretty? Yeah, pretty stupid.
OK. It would be a clever wordplay if I thought people really think meth is "pretty". Have any of you all ever associated meth with beauty? I think of hillbillies, dirty bathtubs, and garages. Of course, I'm not the target audience. But do you think kids see meth as pretty? I don't see it.
At all.
Maybe I'm way off. I'd like someone to tell me this makes sense. Because I'm sure a lotta dough went into it.
And maybe the cleverness of the message isn't what's important... maybe it's about increased awareness: "meth is pretty stupid". OK. But truth.com manages to be both insanely original, clever, and sobering at the same time. It can be done.
There is a TV ad to go with it. The voiceover warns that "you can become addicted after just your second use." Huh. So the first is a gimme, apparently.
This may be just a Michigan campaign. And it looks pretty slick. But it doesn't work for me. I tried finding any kind of a link to show you the ad, but I think it's too new. There is one campaign I found that I love, though.
Partnership for a Drug-Free America put out Faces of Meth (the name itself a clever play on "Faces of Death"), which shows mugshots of people before and after using meth. Whoa. Check out the woman who after four years turned into Bride of Frankenstein.
So, what do you think? Does it matter how dopey the presentation is as long as the message is out there? Or should it actually make sense?
BTW, I think a website devoted to meth info should be called "Methopotamia".
10.07.2005
Just Thinking
If there's a condition where a baby's up all night crying from the pain associated with living in a pastoral setting, it should be called bucolic.
10.06.2005
Potty Sign Definitely Not The Shiznit
"Brain Freeze"* just made it into the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Yes! I thought maybe this was the year for "shiznit", but it seems that's still in the wings.
It's been at least ten years since the first time someone used "shiznit" in a sentence in my presence, and it still gets play. Alas, I guess I need to resubmit my suggestion.
***
This sign hangs over a urinal I frequent:
WHEN FINISHED,
PLEASE JIGGLE HANDLE
UNTIL IT FLUSHES
If I were to wait that long, I'd still be there, I'm afraid.
*When a friend was a church camp counselor, they would have contests to see which camper could drink a slushy the fastest. Mean, dude. Just mean.
It's been at least ten years since the first time someone used "shiznit" in a sentence in my presence, and it still gets play. Alas, I guess I need to resubmit my suggestion.
***
This sign hangs over a urinal I frequent:
WHEN FINISHED,
PLEASE JIGGLE HANDLE
UNTIL IT FLUSHES
If I were to wait that long, I'd still be there, I'm afraid.
*When a friend was a church camp counselor, they would have contests to see which camper could drink a slushy the fastest. Mean, dude. Just mean.
10.04.2005
Oh, What A Relief It Is
A catalog came to the house with this cool clock for sale:
The pins shift in and out as the minutes change, giving a cool bas relief* readout. It's like those pin art things where you stick your face in and the pins make a 3D mold of you. At least, I always stick my face in. Other people probably stick in other things. (keep your thoughts to yourself here, BP)
Any-hoo, the bottom of the description had this to say:
Takes 2D batteries
I laughed. Then, five short days later, I ran to the computer to share with you all.
I anxiously await the newest flood of spam postings in response.
*not sure if this technically is bas relief, but I didn't want to use 3D twice in two sentences.
The pins shift in and out as the minutes change, giving a cool bas relief* readout. It's like those pin art things where you stick your face in and the pins make a 3D mold of you. At least, I always stick my face in. Other people probably stick in other things. (keep your thoughts to yourself here, BP)
Any-hoo, the bottom of the description had this to say:
Takes 2D batteries
I laughed. Then, five short days later, I ran to the computer to share with you all.
I anxiously await the newest flood of spam postings in response.
*not sure if this technically is bas relief, but I didn't want to use 3D twice in two sentences.
9.30.2005
Grab a Paddle and Hold On
A gusher of thoughts hit me in the shower this morning, and here they are, in order, before I forget them. Rarely do I take the time to trace my stream of consciousness, but since some of these thoughts were languagey I thought I'd let you all float down the stream with me.
stroke
Speaking of extraneous punctuation, CSI: is just silly. I know they do it because of CSI: Miami and CSI: New York and the upcoming CSI: Salt Lake City*. They think we somehow need remind that "hey! There are other CSIs out there!" But I don't get that from a colon at all. All I get is that you were about to add something, then stopped typing. It's more like CSI: oh, forget it.
stroke
Which makes me think of emoticons. The birthday of the emoticon was recently, and it got me thinking that I never have used one. Seriously. I never drew smileys in letters either or wrote "j/k" after a joke. I've always figures that either you get me, or not. Of course, I can be dry and sometimes my jests have been taken straight.
An emoticon could have changed the response to a note slipped surreptitiously to my (soon-to-be-canceled) date in 4th hour Algebra. Tell me if you see a difference:
#1. Maybe we could hit Pixie and try to get our names on the wall for eating 12 burgers.
#2. Maybe we could hit Pixie and try to get our names on the wall for eating 12 burgers. :)
stroke
For the record, my name's on the wall at Pixie in Mt. Pleasant. It's not under Eric "Babe" Morse, though. That's a pseudonym. Look for Chad Sanders. And it's for eight coneys, not 12 burgers.
stroke
In the eighth-grade spelling bee, the moderator asked us to spell pseudonym. But he pronounced it SUEDE-uh-Nimh. Like suede coat. We got it right, anyways.
stroke
A math teacher of mine had elbow patches the size of mouse pads.
stroke
Had a dream last night I became a 2nd-grade teacher. At the open house, I was 30 minutes late and there was a mob at my door. I tried to explain that I'd been caught in a freakish lightning storm, and trees were falling everywhere, but no one seemed to have noticed any storm. I told them I was very into active learning, and this made them happy, except for one lady, who said "Not a good first impression. That's strike one."
And that's the end of my shower. Eventually, all things merge into one. And a River Runs Through It.
*Since I've always seen the CSIs as latter-day Quincys, this one works for me. :)
stroke
Speaking of extraneous punctuation, CSI: is just silly. I know they do it because of CSI: Miami and CSI: New York and the upcoming CSI: Salt Lake City*. They think we somehow need remind that "hey! There are other CSIs out there!" But I don't get that from a colon at all. All I get is that you were about to add something, then stopped typing. It's more like CSI: oh, forget it.
stroke
Which makes me think of emoticons. The birthday of the emoticon was recently, and it got me thinking that I never have used one. Seriously. I never drew smileys in letters either or wrote "j/k" after a joke. I've always figures that either you get me, or not. Of course, I can be dry and sometimes my jests have been taken straight.
An emoticon could have changed the response to a note slipped surreptitiously to my (soon-to-be-canceled) date in 4th hour Algebra. Tell me if you see a difference:
#1. Maybe we could hit Pixie and try to get our names on the wall for eating 12 burgers.
#2. Maybe we could hit Pixie and try to get our names on the wall for eating 12 burgers. :)
stroke
For the record, my name's on the wall at Pixie in Mt. Pleasant. It's not under Eric "Babe" Morse, though. That's a pseudonym. Look for Chad Sanders. And it's for eight coneys, not 12 burgers.
stroke
In the eighth-grade spelling bee, the moderator asked us to spell pseudonym. But he pronounced it SUEDE-uh-Nimh. Like suede coat. We got it right, anyways.
stroke
A math teacher of mine had elbow patches the size of mouse pads.
stroke
Had a dream last night I became a 2nd-grade teacher. At the open house, I was 30 minutes late and there was a mob at my door. I tried to explain that I'd been caught in a freakish lightning storm, and trees were falling everywhere, but no one seemed to have noticed any storm. I told them I was very into active learning, and this made them happy, except for one lady, who said "Not a good first impression. That's strike one."
And that's the end of my shower. Eventually, all things merge into one. And a River Runs Through It.
*Since I've always seen the CSIs as latter-day Quincys, this one works for me. :)
9.25.2005
Birdland
This is off-topic.
But for six months or so, I've been listening to Tables and Chairs, a wonderful song from Andrew Bird. And every single time, every time, it makes me smile. It just played while I was grumpily sweating over a deadline, and I stopped, listened, and smiled.
I don't really take time to think what it's about. My take is it's a kind of post-apocalyptic future, which turns out kinda nice.
I know we're gonna meet someday in the crumbled financial institutions of this land
there will be tables and chairs
pony rides and dancing bears
there'll even be a band
'cause listen after the fall there'll be no more countries
no currencies at all
we're gonna live on our wits
throw away survival kits
trade butterfly knives for Adderal
and that's not all
woah!
there will be snacks, there will
there will be snacks!
It's the "there will be snacks" that I just adore. Such joy. The Adderal rhyme's fun, too. That is all. Support this man, if you find it groovy. I got this as a free iTunes Pepsi download... I think that means he still gets, like 25¢ or something.
But for six months or so, I've been listening to Tables and Chairs, a wonderful song from Andrew Bird. And every single time, every time, it makes me smile. It just played while I was grumpily sweating over a deadline, and I stopped, listened, and smiled.
I don't really take time to think what it's about. My take is it's a kind of post-apocalyptic future, which turns out kinda nice.
I know we're gonna meet someday in the crumbled financial institutions of this land
there will be tables and chairs
pony rides and dancing bears
there'll even be a band
'cause listen after the fall there'll be no more countries
no currencies at all
we're gonna live on our wits
throw away survival kits
trade butterfly knives for Adderal
and that's not all
woah!
there will be snacks, there will
there will be snacks!
It's the "there will be snacks" that I just adore. Such joy. The Adderal rhyme's fun, too. That is all. Support this man, if you find it groovy. I got this as a free iTunes Pepsi download... I think that means he still gets, like 25¢ or something.
9.19.2005
The Holy Ghos't
This billboard greets commuters on our local freeway:
You can't read all of it as you drive by. You get about to "Heavenly Father" and you're by it. Apparently, these 'boards were put up by a Detroit-area businessman frustrated that he can't break through the lock the auto industry has on local commerce. At first, this makes one think of the "God Speaks" series, the white-on-black messages that God sent down to our billboards with messages like: "Don't make me come down there. -God"
But the God Speaks series was obviously meant to make us laugh, then maybe think for a second. And you could read them in three seconds. This guy asks God to "forgive us our sin of being dependent on the Auto Industry..." Hang on. [checks biblegateway.com]. Nope, no "auto industry" commandments that I know of.
OK, I get his point. And having the ability to drop $5,000 (a guess, probably low) on some pretty ugly billboards that you have to park to read is pretty cool.
But here's the thing:
IN JESUS NAME
In Jesus we trust, yes. In Jesus I find Peace, sure. "In Jesus name" is missing something. Something simple, something that people who will take checks for $5,000 should probably take a second to fix. Don't you think?
You can't read all of it as you drive by. You get about to "Heavenly Father" and you're by it. Apparently, these 'boards were put up by a Detroit-area businessman frustrated that he can't break through the lock the auto industry has on local commerce. At first, this makes one think of the "God Speaks" series, the white-on-black messages that God sent down to our billboards with messages like: "Don't make me come down there. -God"
But the God Speaks series was obviously meant to make us laugh, then maybe think for a second. And you could read them in three seconds. This guy asks God to "forgive us our sin of being dependent on the Auto Industry..." Hang on. [checks biblegateway.com]. Nope, no "auto industry" commandments that I know of.
OK, I get his point. And having the ability to drop $5,000 (a guess, probably low) on some pretty ugly billboards that you have to park to read is pretty cool.
But here's the thing:
IN JESUS NAME
In Jesus we trust, yes. In Jesus I find Peace, sure. "In Jesus name" is missing something. Something simple, something that people who will take checks for $5,000 should probably take a second to fix. Don't you think?
9.13.2005
Flip It Real Good
In "Lisa's Rival", Lisa meets the new girl, who is younger and smarter than she. It's a beautiful look at the fun and frustrating sport of Anagramming.
Taylor: Hi, Lisa, I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard
great things about you.
Lisa: Oh, really? I --
Taylor: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us
in our anagram game.
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a
description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [looks with consternation] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. You know
what? I have a ball. [pulls one from his pocket] Perhaps you'd
like to bounce it?
Anagrams go way the heck back. Like, B.C. back. Used to be, if you were clever with wordplay, you could be made a part of the King's Court. Kind of like the Anagrammatist Laureate. What a sweet job, sit around all day rearranging letters. Then, they invented television and we all stopped thinking. That's a shortened history, but the point is people don't delight in wordplay as much as they used to.
Which is too dang bad, because a) it's a brainstretch, which we all can use a little of and b) it makes me laugh.
Now, technically, an anagram is simply the letters of a word or phrase rearranged to create a different word or phrase. But the fun part is when you can make the rearrangement makes sense, and make it a particularly insightful reflection of the original word or phrase. This is the fine craft, and mystics, Kabbalists, and Will Shortz have long looked to anagrams for meaning and portent.
For instance, I can anagram Pamela Anderson into "Madonna's a leper", but it doesn't really make much sense. From Alyssa Milano, I can get "I am only a lass", which makes sense enough, but isn't terribly funny or insightful. Woody Allen to "A lewd loony" or "Wooed all NY", now that's good stuff. (All of these examples came from anagramgenius)
The internet (small "i", any objections?) has made anagrams rather fun again. Plug any word or phrase into an anagram server and get back thousands of options. Many make no sense, but it gives you somewhere to start.
So, you got one? Should it be a contest? Myself, I'd like to see what anagrams people could find of "staff meeting", "professional development", or "standardized testing". But that's just me. Share Your Ideas! Which may, of course, Assure Hairy Ode!
Taylor: Hi, Lisa, I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard
great things about you.
Lisa: Oh, really? I --
Taylor: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us
in our anagram game.
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a
description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [looks with consternation] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. You know
what? I have a ball. [pulls one from his pocket] Perhaps you'd
like to bounce it?
Anagrams go way the heck back. Like, B.C. back. Used to be, if you were clever with wordplay, you could be made a part of the King's Court. Kind of like the Anagrammatist Laureate. What a sweet job, sit around all day rearranging letters. Then, they invented television and we all stopped thinking. That's a shortened history, but the point is people don't delight in wordplay as much as they used to.
Which is too dang bad, because a) it's a brainstretch, which we all can use a little of and b) it makes me laugh.
Now, technically, an anagram is simply the letters of a word or phrase rearranged to create a different word or phrase. But the fun part is when you can make the rearrangement makes sense, and make it a particularly insightful reflection of the original word or phrase. This is the fine craft, and mystics, Kabbalists, and Will Shortz have long looked to anagrams for meaning and portent.
For instance, I can anagram Pamela Anderson into "Madonna's a leper", but it doesn't really make much sense. From Alyssa Milano, I can get "I am only a lass", which makes sense enough, but isn't terribly funny or insightful. Woody Allen to "A lewd loony" or "Wooed all NY", now that's good stuff. (All of these examples came from anagramgenius)
The internet (small "i", any objections?) has made anagrams rather fun again. Plug any word or phrase into an anagram server and get back thousands of options. Many make no sense, but it gives you somewhere to start.
So, you got one? Should it be a contest? Myself, I'd like to see what anagrams people could find of "staff meeting", "professional development", or "standardized testing". But that's just me. Share Your Ideas! Which may, of course, Assure Hairy Ode!
9.11.2005
Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady Chablis
So, I'm working. In the other room, Law & Order: CI is on. Someone on the TV says:
"...died giving himself a sherry enema."
I yell into the room:
"Sherry Enema would be a great drag queen name!"
No response. I wish they still made Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
I'd try out for it.
Cuz that was gold, if you ask me.
"...died giving himself a sherry enema."
I yell into the room:
"Sherry Enema would be a great drag queen name!"
No response. I wish they still made Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
I'd try out for it.
Cuz that was gold, if you ask me.
9.06.2005
You Have Violated My Fragging Rights
In this post, I talked about a crazy headline that used one-word sentences to create a hip little slogan. Unfortunately, it didn't hold together gramatically. In my library today, there was a giant check from Wal-Mart®, like this one:
There, on the check, is Wal-Mart®'s do-good slogan:
Good. Works.
OK, now I get that they do "good works". And I even get that the act of doing good works out well in the end. Both of these meanings can be taken from the phrase. But what does the sentence "Good." mean? In the other example (Quality. Hometown. Care.), at least the three words were descriptors, and it kind of held together. This, I can't buy at all. To me, the sentence "Good." only works in this context:
SHE: I'm leaving, and never coming back!
HE: Good.
And the sentence "Works." just doesn't.
What is it with the sentence frag tag lines?* Do you have other examples? I know I've seen more...
*Oooh. Frag Tags. I like that.
There, on the check, is Wal-Mart®'s do-good slogan:
Good. Works.
OK, now I get that they do "good works". And I even get that the act of doing good works out well in the end. Both of these meanings can be taken from the phrase. But what does the sentence "Good." mean? In the other example (Quality. Hometown. Care.), at least the three words were descriptors, and it kind of held together. This, I can't buy at all. To me, the sentence "Good." only works in this context:
SHE: I'm leaving, and never coming back!
HE: Good.
And the sentence "Works." just doesn't.
What is it with the sentence frag tag lines?* Do you have other examples? I know I've seen more...
*Oooh. Frag Tags. I like that.
9.05.2005
Movin' Out
This sign was posted by the roadside today:
MOVING
SALE
AHEAD
Such simple words, fraught with such ambiguity.
Has the scheduled date of the sale been bumped up? To when? Have I missed it?
Is this a sale that moves about, like a Progressive Supper?
Will the emotional impact of the sale be so moving that I may be transformed? Am I up to this?
Or is it that someone is moving. And having a sale. And it's up there a ways. And that I felt I didn't have the time for a more thoughtful post, and I mailed this in.
Could be.
MOVING
SALE
AHEAD
Such simple words, fraught with such ambiguity.
Has the scheduled date of the sale been bumped up? To when? Have I missed it?
Is this a sale that moves about, like a Progressive Supper?
Will the emotional impact of the sale be so moving that I may be transformed? Am I up to this?
Or is it that someone is moving. And having a sale. And it's up there a ways. And that I felt I didn't have the time for a more thoughtful post, and I mailed this in.
Could be.
8.29.2005
If You Build It, They Will Still Charge $1.50 For Extra Guac
A Build-Your-Own Fajita* restaurant in town has two large signs on the wall, side by side, with the headlines:
WINES • MARGARITA'S
I understand that folks feel impelled to add apostrophe's after vowels. I know that this is a Thing (This cartoon acknowledges that fact nicely), but then I can't follow as to why they didn't have WINE'S. These are very nice, very permanent signs.
huh.
ALSO IN MY HEAD
A superior said the other day that he'd taken so much heat from his bosses that "at this point I have Asbestos Pants. Cute. I wrote it down. Then I wrote next to it: "He's doing asbestos he can." There's a knock-knock joke in there somewhere...
*You don't have Build Your Own Fajita places? Not only do you get to spend as much as you would at any other nice restaurant, you get to make your own dinner and wait in line for someone to cook it. Genius!
WINES • MARGARITA'S
I understand that folks feel impelled to add apostrophe's after vowels. I know that this is a Thing (This cartoon acknowledges that fact nicely), but then I can't follow as to why they didn't have WINE'S. These are very nice, very permanent signs.
huh.
ALSO IN MY HEAD
A superior said the other day that he'd taken so much heat from his bosses that "at this point I have Asbestos Pants. Cute. I wrote it down. Then I wrote next to it: "He's doing asbestos he can." There's a knock-knock joke in there somewhere...
*You don't have Build Your Own Fajita places? Not only do you get to spend as much as you would at any other nice restaurant, you get to make your own dinner and wait in line for someone to cook it. Genius!
8.24.2005
Three Short Bits
Unce
The Wiggles have a camel song with this rhyme:
From Abu Dhabi to Australia
In the desert a camel won't fail ya
Awesome.
Tice
A hospital billboard in town uses this headline:
QUALITY. HOMETOWN. CARE.
Shouldn't these one-word statements be parallel? As I read them, I get that this hospital is (of) quality, it is (in my) hometown, and that it is... care. I realize that they mean to say that they care, but then they would also be saying that they quality, no? Bill Walsh had a nice bit about this a while back.
Fee Tines
I don't often go about telling people of funnies I made earlier. They are never funny out of context. But I am quite proud of a joke no one in the car laughed at, and I share it here. If this makes me a Big Fat Egohead, so be it.
SEVEN YEAR OLD SON PLAYING WITH BALLOON: Daddy, do you know what's keeping my balloon down?
DADDY: Is it The Man?
Correction: I laughed.
Bonus Fourth Bit
For, like, a week now, Sir Paul's My Love has been in and out of my head:
Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo , my love does it good.
Such crazy grammar. Such schmaltz. Yet, there it is. Every morning. Can't kick it it.
The Wiggles have a camel song with this rhyme:
From Abu Dhabi to Australia
In the desert a camel won't fail ya
Awesome.
Tice
A hospital billboard in town uses this headline:
QUALITY. HOMETOWN. CARE.
Shouldn't these one-word statements be parallel? As I read them, I get that this hospital is (of) quality, it is (in my) hometown, and that it is... care. I realize that they mean to say that they care, but then they would also be saying that they quality, no? Bill Walsh had a nice bit about this a while back.
Fee Tines
I don't often go about telling people of funnies I made earlier. They are never funny out of context. But I am quite proud of a joke no one in the car laughed at, and I share it here. If this makes me a Big Fat Egohead, so be it.
SEVEN YEAR OLD SON PLAYING WITH BALLOON: Daddy, do you know what's keeping my balloon down?
DADDY: Is it The Man?
Correction: I laughed.
Bonus Fourth Bit
For, like, a week now, Sir Paul's My Love has been in and out of my head:
Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo , my love does it good.
Such crazy grammar. Such schmaltz. Yet, there it is. Every morning. Can't kick it it.
8.23.2005
Snap To It
The word "snap" (as in SNAP!) has become quite a versatile idiom, especially with those younger than I.
"Snap" can be:
A response to a putdown
CLARENCE (to JERRY): You're so stupid it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes.
ME (on sidelines): Oh, snap!
An S-word alternative
TOMMY: Snap! March of the Penguins is sold out! Looks like Dukes of Hazzard for me!
An expression of joy
RED: Whoa! I'm getting Gameshow Network for free! Snap!
An expression of surprise
PHIL: Snap! Steven Tyler is a doctor!
Of course, standard definitions of "snap" (finger-popping, losing one's temper) are still about, but seldom used.
These ruminations come about because yesterday I purchased these:
These, as you may know, are SNAPS®. As hard as I find this to believe, I had never had SNAPS® before yesterday. I enjoy candy. If I had an Indian Prince's cash, I'd build a chocolate palace, and eat it all before it melted. How have these treasures eluded me? They're like Good-n-Plenty, but Gooder and Plentier. I had some left, and I just finished them. Snap, these are good.
A new school year is beginning. I will keep a supply of these delicacies on hand. When students yell out Snap! (as is their wont) I shall chuck one their way. As these candies were not made by Mountain Dew*, they will hate them.
So, as we bend at the starting block of a year, awaiting the buzzer that sounds the start of another mixed metaphor, take a moment to luxuriate in the anise-y goodness that is the SNAP®.
*Kids love the Mountain Dew. Is it just me, or wasn't Pitch Black II called The Chronicles of Riddick?
"Snap" can be:
A response to a putdown
CLARENCE (to JERRY): You're so stupid it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes.
ME (on sidelines): Oh, snap!
An S-word alternative
TOMMY: Snap! March of the Penguins is sold out! Looks like Dukes of Hazzard for me!
An expression of joy
RED: Whoa! I'm getting Gameshow Network for free! Snap!
An expression of surprise
PHIL: Snap! Steven Tyler is a doctor!
Of course, standard definitions of "snap" (finger-popping, losing one's temper) are still about, but seldom used.
These ruminations come about because yesterday I purchased these:
These, as you may know, are SNAPS®. As hard as I find this to believe, I had never had SNAPS® before yesterday. I enjoy candy. If I had an Indian Prince's cash, I'd build a chocolate palace, and eat it all before it melted. How have these treasures eluded me? They're like Good-n-Plenty, but Gooder and Plentier. I had some left, and I just finished them. Snap, these are good.
A new school year is beginning. I will keep a supply of these delicacies on hand. When students yell out Snap! (as is their wont) I shall chuck one their way. As these candies were not made by Mountain Dew*, they will hate them.
So, as we bend at the starting block of a year, awaiting the buzzer that sounds the start of another mixed metaphor, take a moment to luxuriate in the anise-y goodness that is the SNAP®.
*Kids love the Mountain Dew. Is it just me, or wasn't Pitch Black II called The Chronicles of Riddick?
8.22.2005
The Man With One Red Sumac
We passed yesterday at the mall.
I did not acknowledge you.
For that, I am Truly Sorry.
but
The Warning on the back of my
Aveeno®
States clearly:
When using
Avoid contact with eyes.
Please understand.
Thanks.
I did not acknowledge you.
For that, I am Truly Sorry.
but
The Warning on the back of my
Aveeno®
States clearly:
When using
Avoid contact with eyes.
Please understand.
Thanks.
8.19.2005
Place Shirt Pun Here*
Saw this on a fellow at Six Flags:
I laughed.
PIN number and ATM machine came to mind as possible inspiration for this shirt (maybe I was feeling cash-strapped at the time). This site is a fun look at what they call Redundant Acronym Phrases (I think they should be called RAP phrases). Any other examples come to mind?
In unrelated news
Another Six Flags shirt:
If you love him
Let him go.
If he doesn't come back
He's with me.
*Shirt Happens, Getting My Shirt Together... it's all so base. There's a better one, I'll think on it whilst camping this weekend.
I laughed.
PIN number and ATM machine came to mind as possible inspiration for this shirt (maybe I was feeling cash-strapped at the time). This site is a fun look at what they call Redundant Acronym Phrases (I think they should be called RAP phrases). Any other examples come to mind?
In unrelated news
Another Six Flags shirt:
If you love him
Let him go.
If he doesn't come back
He's with me.
*Shirt Happens, Getting My Shirt Together... it's all so base. There's a better one, I'll think on it whilst camping this weekend.
8.12.2005
Kiss Me On The Veranda
A recent conversation:
SHE:...all last week, we were incommunicado.
ME: So you don't have cell phones?
SHE: Yeah... that's how we stay incommunicado.
ME: ...
SHE: We were in communicado.
At this point I realize she is using incommunicado to mean "in communication". Interesting. In contrast to what this blog may lead you to believe, I am not a grammar Nazi. I do not get all up in people's grills like "Use the subjunctive! It's if I were! Come on!" No, the conversation ended thusly:
ME: Oh.
It made me think of a scene from Three Amigos.
LUCKY: One hundred thousand pesos to come to Santa Poco, put on show, stop. The infamous El Guapo.
DUSTY: What does that mean? Infamous?�
NED: Ah, Dusty! Infamous is when you're more than famous! This guy El Guapo is not just famous, he's IN-famous!
LUCKY: A hundred thousand pesos to do a personal appearance with this guy El Guapo, who is probably the biggest actor to ever come out of Mexico!
DUSTY: Wow, the IN-famous? IN-famous?
It's not a perfect fit, but I think of the Three Amigos a lot. Anyone remember Steve Martin's "I'm-up-here!" bird call? Pure gold. Anyhow, it's just an example of how we interpret words and phrases. Just recently, I dropped the ball on the meaning of "wotcher"... not watching my context clues. What about you all? Words you thought meant something different, or even opposite?
SHE:...all last week, we were incommunicado.
ME: So you don't have cell phones?
SHE: Yeah... that's how we stay incommunicado.
ME: ...
SHE: We were in communicado.
At this point I realize she is using incommunicado to mean "in communication". Interesting. In contrast to what this blog may lead you to believe, I am not a grammar Nazi. I do not get all up in people's grills like "Use the subjunctive! It's if I were! Come on!" No, the conversation ended thusly:
ME: Oh.
It made me think of a scene from Three Amigos.
LUCKY: One hundred thousand pesos to come to Santa Poco, put on show, stop. The infamous El Guapo.
DUSTY: What does that mean? Infamous?�
NED: Ah, Dusty! Infamous is when you're more than famous! This guy El Guapo is not just famous, he's IN-famous!
LUCKY: A hundred thousand pesos to do a personal appearance with this guy El Guapo, who is probably the biggest actor to ever come out of Mexico!
DUSTY: Wow, the IN-famous? IN-famous?
It's not a perfect fit, but I think of the Three Amigos a lot. Anyone remember Steve Martin's "I'm-up-here!" bird call? Pure gold. Anyhow, it's just an example of how we interpret words and phrases. Just recently, I dropped the ball on the meaning of "wotcher"... not watching my context clues. What about you all? Words you thought meant something different, or even opposite?
8.05.2005
High Camp
SPATIC HQ will be closed for the coming week, as its entire staff will be on vacation. Feel free to browse the archives in our absence.
May your week be sunny and deer tick-free.
-Northern Michigan Proverb
May your week be sunny and deer tick-free.
-Northern Michigan Proverb
8.03.2005
From Soup to Nuts
No time to think, but always time for a quick association. Former ones are here and here.
SOUP
SOUPY SALES
SALES DRIVE
DRIVE-IN
INSIDE SCOOP
SCOOP OF VANILLA
VANILLA SKY
IONE SKYE
SKYY BLUE
BLUE MONDAY
MONDAY, MONDAY (genius!)
MANIC MONDAY
MANIC DEPRESSIVE
FREEDOM OF DEPRESS
FREEDOMFORUM.ORG
ROMAN FORUM
BODONI ROMAN
DON'T EAT THE DAISIES
DAISY DUKE
PUT UP YER DUKES
PUT UP OR SHUT UP
SHUT THE DOOR
THE DOORS (brilliant!)
DOOR KNOCKER
KNOCK ON WOOD
RON WOOD
DA DO RON RON
DE DO DO DO DE DA DA DA
DADAISM
JUDAISM
JUDE LAW
COLE SLAW
COLE PORTER
PORTER BEER
BEER RUN
BORN TO RUN
BORN FREE
FREE RIDE
RIDE THE LIGHTNING
LIGHTNING BOLTS
NUTS AND BOLTS
BOLTS
(whew!)
SOUP
SOUPY SALES
SALES DRIVE
DRIVE-IN
INSIDE SCOOP
SCOOP OF VANILLA
VANILLA SKY
IONE SKYE
SKYY BLUE
BLUE MONDAY
MONDAY, MONDAY (genius!)
MANIC MONDAY
MANIC DEPRESSIVE
FREEDOM OF DEPRESS
FREEDOMFORUM.ORG
ROMAN FORUM
BODONI ROMAN
DON'T EAT THE DAISIES
DAISY DUKE
PUT UP YER DUKES
PUT UP OR SHUT UP
SHUT THE DOOR
THE DOORS (brilliant!)
DOOR KNOCKER
KNOCK ON WOOD
RON WOOD
DA DO RON RON
DE DO DO DO DE DA DA DA
DADAISM
JUDAISM
JUDE LAW
COLE SLAW
COLE PORTER
PORTER BEER
BEER RUN
BORN TO RUN
BORN FREE
FREE RIDE
RIDE THE LIGHTNING
LIGHTNING BOLTS
NUTS AND BOLTS
BOLTS
(whew!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)