Today I drove, for the umpteenth* time, past the local store advertising "video's." Sigh. Will we never learn? Worse yet are the folks who add apostrophes simply because there exists the letter "S" (example: Colonel Sander's).
We at SPASTIC have decided we need the intervention of Language Chair Emeritus** Dave Barry to once again explain this elusive mark.
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Excerpted from Ask Mr Ask Mister Language Person [6], published Friday, April 25, 1997, in the Miami Herald.
We shall begin today by reviewing the correct use of the apostrophe, which is defined grammatically as "the little thing that is hard to find when you put it inside quotation marks," as is shown in this example: "'".
Even top professional writers have trouble with apostrophes, as we see in this quotation from William Shakespeare:
"O Romeo, Romeo
Your lookin' fine in them tight's."
This is incorrect, of course: Shakespeare has used the word "your" as a participial infraction, which requires an apostrophe, as we see in this corrected version:
"O Romeo, Romeo
You're buttock's are highly visible in them tight's."
A lot of people have this problem, which is why it is important to remember the Three Rules For When To Use Apostrophe's:
1. TO INDICATE CONTRACTIONS.
Example: "This childbirth really hurt's!"
2. IN HERPETOLOGICAL PHRASES.
Example: "There's snake's in the Nut 'n' Honey!"
3. IN LETTERS TO CUSTOMER SERVICE.
Example: "Dear Moron's:"
Please have these rules tattooed on your biceps, because Mister Language Person is getting tired of correcting people and may soon turn the whole matter over to the police.
Copyright © 1997 The Miami Herald
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So, our point is this: Remember Nut 'n' Honey? It was good, right?
*Literally, 17th. From the Cockney "Ump", meaning a Baker's Pint.
**Mr. Barry is unaware of this honor.
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