Something I Authored

Discuss.

Juan, sense nerds!

In the 1800s, Rev. William Archibald Spooner coined the term "spoonerism" to describe the flipping of initial letters of word pairs or phrases. His coinage for the verbal slip we all make periodically brought attention to some fun phrasings. The following are attributed to Spooner:

We'll have the hags flung out! (flags/hung)
Our shoving leopard (loving/shepherd)
You've tasted two worms (wasted/terms)
You hissed my mystery lecture (missed/history)

Before I knew what they were called, I liked to say:
I'm going to shake a tower!

Some folks refer to the "whole fam damily", which I would never do. Others refer to themselves as "smart fellers", which is yucky. I do like these, though:

Go help me sod
Hit my bunny phone
The lead of spite
belly jeans

And, of course, if you do it right, A Tale of Two Cities takes on a completely different feel.

I'm interested in your favorites, and encourage you to check out one of the Kings of contemporary spoonerism, Bill Strauss, one of the founding members of the Capitol Steps.
http://www.capsteps.com/lirty/falicornia.html

Heavens to Schadenfreude!

Members of SPASTIC take no pleasure in others' grammatical mistakes. It makes us sad, yes. Cringe, absolutely. But it has come to our attention that there are those that find satisfaction in words like these:

"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'"
-George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

We hope we are clear on this.
-SPASTIC Snagglepuss reference committe

Let's Make a Dio

As we were relaxing in the great room at SPASTIC HQ the other day, Manny was playing The Very Beast of Dio on the Bose Wave Music System, and it got me thinking:

Greg Louganis should go for Pope when the job comes open. I don't know if he's got the resumé, but when everyone realizes we can call him "Holy Diver" it will be worth it.

Put Da Rhyme In Da Coconut

I don't have a post here. I got as far as the title, which I like a lot. What's this post about? Is it supposed to be an epic poem about Survivor? Is it a collection of Almond Joy couplets? Let me know!

From Here to Eternity

HERE AND NOW
NOW 18
18 WHEELER
WHEELS ON THE BUS
SHORT BUS
BUSTER KEATON
MICHAEL KEATON
MICHAEL KNIGHT
KNIGHTS WHO SAY 'NI'
WATER ON THE KNEE
HOLY WATER
HOLY DIVER
DEEP SEA DIVER
HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE
LOVE STINKS
STINKOMAN
MAN ON FIRE
CHICAGO FIRE
CHICAGO PIZZA
PIZZA PLANET
PLANET OF THE APES
GO APE
STOP AND GO
THE BUCK STOPS HERE
MAKE A BUCK
MAKING WHOOPEE
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
RUBE GOLDBERG DEVICE
RUBY, RUBY
A PRICE ABOVE RUBIES
THE PRICE IS RIGHT
RIGHT AS RAIN
IT'S RAINING MEN
ETERNITY FOR MEN

And Then Along Comes Mary

There's a word game members of SPASTIC play whilst lounging about the club (and interest in the baccarat table has waned). It's a simple word-association game, where play passes about the room, each person having to come up with a word or phrase incorporating a part of the previous word or phrase. Associations can be literal or soundalikes. The object is to get from an established beginning word to an ending word. Here's a simple one:

TASK: Get from BLACK to WHITE.

JET BLACK
BLACK SABBATH
REMEMBER THE SABBATH AND KEEP IT HOLY
HOLY DIVER
DIVER DOWN
WATERSHIP DOWN
DOWN ON YOUR LUCK
LUCKY CHARMS
PRINCE CHARMING
PRINCE OF EGYPT
EGYPTIAN COTTON
COTTON MOUTH
SMALLMOUTH BASS
BASS ALE
HARP ALE
HARPO MARX
KARL MARX
KARL ROVE
RANGE ROVER
RED ROVER
RED CHINA
FINE CHINA
CHINA WHITE

I don't like how the example ends on a drug reference, but that's the way the game is... it goes where it goes. Take a shot at it. Do Black to White, or pick another. How about:
from HOT to COLD
from SUGAR to SPICE
from NEW to OLD
or, a variation is to get back to where you started, like:
from ORANGE to ORANGE

Have fun!

Jumpin' Jack Flash

Here it is, as promised, a day early so you can practice this fine joke before tomorrow.

The Only Irish Joke I Know, Told But Once A Year

QUESTION: Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?
ANSWER (in best Irish brogue): Because he didn't want it to be too-farty.

Thank you, and keep those Limericks comin'!

*Thanks to Brian Wilson, who told me this joke.

Can You Hear The Rhymes, Fernando?

POETRY, n.
A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

As we continue to regain strength from a recent bout with flu, we're reminded of the rhyme by (the amazingly prolific) Anonymous:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly: `Let us flee'
Said the flea: `Let us fly!'
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

While it's accepted that Limericks may have been officially invented in England, 'twas the Irish who took the art form straight to the bathroom, such as the 18th century Limerick that begins:

There once was a man from Uranus

Limericks, of course, use the aabba rhyme scheme, most popular in this classic AABBA rhyme:

Take a chance
Take a chance chance
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
(Take a take a chance chance)

But enough with the Swedes. Back to Ireland. It's almost St. Patrick's Day (which means it's only six days away from my annual "Telling of Ye Olde Only Irish Joke I Know," so check back here on the 17th), so shouldn't we get some limericks going in honor of St. Paddy and all those snakes? Yes! Raise your glasses! And now that you can't see without your glasses, stumble to the nearest refreshment counter and find yourself a drink! And hoist it! And post your limerick!

The four people who visit this website look forward to your submissions.

Come In, Tarry.

Now, it's time for commentary from SPASTIC's media analyst, Curt Review. Over to you, Curt:

OLD Dan Rather? Well...
NEW Dan: rather well.

Feeling a Little Floozy

Flu has been working its Blecch Magic through the ranks of SPASTIC as of late. This has caused a strain on our operations. Which strain is uncertain, but the flu-shot-making people* seem to have missed again. So now, we strain to catch up with (it's) life (Jim, but not) as we know it. As the strains of Robert Plant's great new single echo through the room, we look for brighter days ahead:

these are the times of my life
bright, strong and golden
this is the way that I choose when the deal goes down
this is the world that I love
painted all over troubled
take a little sunshine shine it all around
send a little sun down
spread it all around now
shine it all around now
-Robert Plant, Shine It All Around

*if I were a flu shot person, my bumper sticker would be "People are Strains."

Do Geese See God?

NOTE: This certainly will qualify as SPASTIC's geekiest post yet.

"Son I am able," she said "though you scare me."
"Watch," said I.
"Beloved," I said "watch me scare you though."
Said she, "Able am I, son."
-They Might Be Giants, I Palindrome I
. . . . . .
During cocktails at our last meeting, Bob stood up and yelled "Oh, no! Don Ho!" We thought this was simply one of Bob's numerous non sequiturs, until Anna realized he had just blurted out a sweet palindrome (then fell unconscious onto the divan).

Palindromes, of course, are most often words or phrases spelled the same way backwards as forwards*. The most famous is "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!"** Not nearly as catchy as "Rats live on no evil star" or "May a moody baby doom a yam?" but famous nonetheless.

Now, why is it that so few can take true joy in something like a palindrome? They're seen as trivial, silly, a waste of time.
EXACTLY!
Do people not see that this is why we must appreciate the palindrome (and the spoonerism, and the anagram). We can spend our lives running willy-nilly, never stopping for a rest, or we can take a break and let our brain work in an area it doesn't often use: the, um, backward - word - thinking - up, uh, lobe.
I can sit in the living room, looking out my window thinking: "Was it a car or a cat I saw?" or I can get to work thinking on truly important things, like "when's the next palindromic date?" (01-02-2010).

When your man loses the election, you can complain all you want, but how about complaining in style:
"Loss? Alas! S.O.L."

In addition to the traditional palidrome, there's also the Word-Unit*** Palindrome, such as:
"Better doctors like people treated well because well-treated people like doctors better."
The lyric from the TMBG song at the top of this post is a word-unit palidrome. These are just as fun to create. Here's another:
"You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?"
Pure beauty.

So here's the thing: the few minutes it might take to ponder the lovely palindrome will add minutes onto your life. It's a halt. A mental rejuvination. Even if, after 30 minutes, your list reads:
1. DAD
2.
it's OK! It's the procees more than the product. Of course, if you've got some sweet ones, send 'em our way!

We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget!
A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
-"Weird Al" Yankovic, Bob

*Lisa Bonet ate no basil
**America: The Book version: "A man, a plan, an American attempt to control shipping lanes in the Western Hemisphere: Panama!"
***Word-Unit is 50 Cent's newest protégé. He's gonna blow up big!