Snappy Comebacks to Unasked Questions

I just finished Steve Martin's latest book, an autobiography of sorts... it chronicles just his stand-up years. Fascinating and wonderful.

In it, he takes credit for writing this line: "Do you mind if I smoke? No, do you mind if I fart?" Wow. That is one of those lines that I just figured has always been around. Anyhow, it got me thinking about snappy comebacks.
Not much rankles me, and rarely do I tirade* about what someone says or does. I like to think on it, but it doesn't upset me.

So, I don't have any great examples of things people say that bug me. Remember Mad's "Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Questions"? I always enjoyed that bit... I just don't often think people are asking stupid questions. Maybe it's the teacher in me.

But I do like snappy comebacks.

So. Here is a list of Snappy Comebacks... I just don't have the Stupid Questions they, um Comeback... to.

Snappy Comebacks to Unasked Questions

• Maybe on Planet Dokken!
• If you don't mind a little spittle, then yes, absolutely!
• Why else do you think I named my daughter Hermione?
• What'd you expect? Turner and Hooch?
• No, I'm just waiting for the Orange Julius Express!
• When flies pig!
• Never! Unless there are conflict diamonds involved. And then, only on a case-by-case basis.
• No, but I do have lumbago. That's the Forbidden Dance!

*my latest attempt at verbing. "Tirade" means to "go off on a tirade."

Relishing the Thought

What a perv.


There is an ad for relish where a stork says:

"I relish the though of meeting your buns... Vlasic relish that is."

What?

He explains that he never meant anything by complimenting my buns. What he meant was:

"I Vlasic relish the thought of meeting your buns."

He hasn't changed the part about my buns. If he were trying to backpedal the sexy time aura, he would have said something like:

"I relish the thought of meeting your buns... hamburger buns, that is. Because I'm relish. I go... on... buns."

I'm trying to come up with a similar instance of misplaced backpedaling. Maybe:

"This year, my website has been able to garner 10,000 unique views of a photo of my wiener. Jennifer Garner, that is. "

The Drugs of a Nation

I've been thinking about prescription drugs, their names, their marketing, etc. I've had so many random thoughts it's hard to categorize them. So, I won't. What follows is a random progression of thoughts I've had over the last few days. See if you can follow:

Two Things I Get Confused:



Speaking of Flomax,
there's a work by British poet Giles Fletcher called "Christ's Victory And Triumph" that contains these lines:

About the holy city rolls a flood
Of molten crystal, like a sea of glass,
On which weak stream a strong foundation stood,
Of living diamonds the building was.

to which I would reply: "you said weak stream."

Last week, I said I was going to think about some new drug names.
Here are some I've come up with. Feel free to use any of them. Send checks made out to "Cash," please.

Mucinexium: Treats heartburn and mucus buildup.
Wadasec: Slows time long enough to get one's shoes tied before everyone leaves.
Mandelycin: Rejuvenative properties strong enough for, in some cases, career resuscitation. See Deal Or No Deal.
Methodone: Gives users a heightened emotional connection to their current circumstance. Also marketed as Nicholsomine, Brandomycin, and Denirotonin.
Addemall: Anxiety medication for producers unsure of which villains are necessary to make a successful superhero sequel. See Spider-Man 3, Batman and Robin.
Darvaset: Rationality inhibitor. Prescribed to those thinking about joining any shady-sounding Fox Reality shows.
Vickodin: Caffeine pill. From their website: "Feeling dog tired? Need a burst of energy? Try Vickodin. If you've lost 1/2 or more of your vitality, we'll help you get at least a quarter back."
FlikDotAtta Diethylamide: Antacid.

Here are some drug names I don't have description for, but like their sound:

Sexium
Xenax
Benaflex: something about flexible benfits, or Ben Affleck.
I want to come up with a drug that is an "Analcheesic."

Maybe I'll come back and add to this list sometime. What have you got?

Christmas #1s

So, this is a quick post I anticipate returning to as I pay more attention and my list grows.

There are some searches people use to find my site that are so oddball, I come up as the #1 hit in Google. Which is cool, but I often wonder why folks are searching it to begin with. The big one is the phrase simple pans tense. It shows up all the time.... like nearly every day at least one person searches for this. What does it mean? Google thinks it's a typo. Maybe it is... but looking at a keyboard, it doesn't seem like a typo, at least not for "past tense," anyway. Any ideas?

Another popular search is for fake palindromes, though that only comes up #3. In that vein, the misspelled pallindrome gets me a lot of visits, too, thanks to a typo in a comment post on that page. Another comment typo that gets me a #1 is a search for meaning of audasity.

Another #1 hit is rhyme scheme of the song holy diver. This one makes me happy.

A #1 hit that surprises me is #1 is the infamous el guapo. Seems like other sites would be ahead of me, on that one.

Another I see about once a week is list of words for said. Another #1.

And Emoticon Woman. Sounds like a great screamo song.

And Oh Ya You Betcha.

Another I like, because it means others have the same problem I had, is pronounce requited.

Strangely, Danny Bonaduce tree gets a #1. I can't imagine what that person's looking for.

Soon, I hope Christmas #1 holy diver gets me a #1. That'd rock.

ADDENDA
Nut N Honey Truck - #1! (12/10)