Subjunctivitis

4.21.2005

Advance Warning: Actual Experiences Ahead

A recent csmonitor article about podcasting explained that "...new software called iPodder allows one to download prerecorded radio shows onto the devices."
When SPASTIC went live, we emailed our friend Michael so he could check it out. Michael's response: "Cool! Are you podcasting yet?"
Well, dang! We just got a blog! Now we need to podcast? By the by, our blog launched a month before the word "blog" was officially banned, so you can see how bleeding-edge* we are.

Today is not about podcasting. It's about redundancy.
In the Monitor article, the author says you can download "prerecorded" radio. I have yet to find a postrecorded anything. Every time I do it, I have to first record it, then play it back. So it's simply been "recorded." To prerecord would involve somehow recording the event before I record it. Which I don't think people ever do.

It's time again to watch out for the Emerald Ash Borer, a nasty bug that's deforesting Michigan. A press release describes the scoundrel:
"Adults are dark metallic green in color, 1/2 inch in length and 1/16 inch wide, and are present only from mid May until late July. Larvae are creamy white in color."
So, they are either green or white "in color." The clarification is helpful, since some thought they may be green "in smell" or white "in love."

Folks with variable-rate loans may "have an unexpected surprise lurking around the corner", writes one recent article.
It's true that those unexpected surprises are much more surprising than the expected ones. Just last month, we gave SPASTIC's treasurer Frances a surprise party. Of course, we gave her fair warning so she could prepare, and she reports that the affair was "one of the nicest expected surprises" she's had in a long time.

I'm off to work on the second printing of my new bumper stickers:
Immediately Eliminate Redundancy Now!

*can we get "bleeding-edge" banished this year?

4.20.2005

4.19.2005

Words and Music

Recent music keeps placing itself in front of me, as if to say "Hey! Lay off! We haven't abandoned all sense of Fun With Words!"

To wit:

1.
The group Foxymorons
Is this the first time anyone thought of this? I can't imagine, but I was jealous/sad that I hadn't come up with it. In 6th grade, when my friends and I learned what an oxymoron was, the best we could come up with was "no, you're the oxymoron!" Later, someone came up with a definition that included acne.

2.
Fiery Furnaces' "Chief Inspector Blancheflower"
This is a way-trippy song, especially the ADHD first three minutes. But what jumped out at me, as it played in the background, was this line:

And after that rustic imposition I took a deposition
I shared a Woodpecker cider with a local fratricider

Whaaa?! Just a few days ago, I was pondering another recent song with the line:

My dewy-eyed Disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
Monsters?
Whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide!

Is this a trend? A sub-genre of fratricide songs?
If so, I have a couple of suggestions:
Dylan’s “Ain’t No More Cain”
James Taylor’s “Friendly Fire and Rain”
Iggy Pop’s “Romulus for Life”

FRATRICIDE, n.
The act of killing a jackass for meat.
-Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionaries, Revised and Expanded

4.18.2005

I Get Intellectualer Every Day

ABSURDITY, n.
A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
-Ambrose Bieerce, The Devil's Dictionary

In a recent article, Newsweek's Jane Bryant Quinn writes:
"The commonest measure of value is the stock's price relative to the company's earnings (the P/E ratio), and techs look rich."

And I think, "commonest"? What?

Turns out, "commonest" is quite common. Totally acceptable.

Why did I not know this?

4.17.2005

Spoon Collection

Today, the minister spoke of finding "Joy in the Jailhouse." What came out was "finding Jail in the Joyhouse." I'm sure in some places, those who visit the Joyhouse soon find Jail.
A textbook spoonerism? Maybe not, but fun... just like "fruitened with sweet."

end transmission

4.16.2005

50 Nifty

The young man who goes by the moniker 50 Cent currently has five songs in the Billboard Hot 50. Quite the troubadour. Three hits are his alone, two are works with his protégé-cum-Hatfield/McCoy buff, The Game.

If I were The Game, I would have had concerns that my name would be confused with the Michael Douglas vehicle of the same name, but there seems to be little confusion among fans. Which is good, because you don't want the guy that made "Se7en" after you with a trademark lawsuit. You just know he mails people heads in boxes just for fun.

Where was I?

Right, The Trammps. Thank you. In 1977, The Trammps released Disco Inferno, one of Disco Era's most memorable hits. 50 Cent's Disco Inferno is currently Number One on the Billboard chart. Mr. Cent was zero years old when the song came out, but he still likes it enough to record a cover of it. This is a testament to the staying power of a song that tweaked the leaders of the day by syly commenting on society, with lyrics such as:

Satisfaction (uhu hu hu) came in the chain reaction
(burnin') I couldn't get enough, (till I had to self-destroy) so I had to
self destruct, (uhu hu hu)
The heat was on (burnin’), rising to the top, huh!
Everybody's goin' strong (uhu hu hu)
And that is when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say
Burn baby burn! - Disco inferno!
Burn baby burn! - Burn that mama down, yoh!

It's easy to see how Cent is touched by these words. What is confusing, though, is that very little of the original song has made it into the new version. For example:

Disco inferno
Let's go
Ya now rockin with a pro
I get dough, to flip dough, to get mo' fo' sho'
Get my drink on and get on the dance floor

There are the words "Disco Inferno", but there are no babies burning, no sparks getting hot. This is a very loose interpretation, to be sure. Which is a shame. Whereas the Trammps saw a world where

It was so entertainin' - when the boogie started to explode

Mr. Cent lives in a place where

I'm so gutter, so ghetto, so hood.
So gully, so grimey, what's good?

The alliteration using the letter G has a purpose. It's an homage to 50 Cent's group called G-Unit. In every song he records, Cent puts in at least one line of G-alliteration, like in the recent hit "Candy Shop":

Get a Gobstopper, Grab a Goober
Good 'N' Plenties are super-duper
Gobblin' gummies makes me a #1 hooper

Actually, I haven't heard Candy Shop, but this is the way I imagine it goes.

So, here's thing: I think 50 Cent may have a trademark infringement lawsuit on his hands. And watch out for those guys from the Trammps... mess with them, they'll mail you superfluous consonants in a box: "What's going on over there? What's in the box? What's in the box? WHAT'S IN THE BOX!!!?! No! Noooo! Now I'm Fiffty Cennts!"

4.14.2005

aibohphobia

A fellow by the name of Andrew Bird has a song on his album The Mysterious Production of Eggs called "Fake Palindromes." Of course, this struck my curiosity and I iTuned* it.
It's crazy, it rocks, and it's like nothing else. Like a dummy, I tried to unpack it. What's up with the palindrome title? Here's the first stanza:

My dewy-eyed Disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
Monsters?
Whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide!
Jesus don't you know that you could've died
(you should've died)
with the monsters that talk, monsters that walk the earth

Five minutes I spent with this. Is it biblical? The fratricide/Jesus line takes me to a Cain/Abel/crucifixion place. The blood. And um, monsters. Dinosaurs? It falls apart from there. And as it goes on, I can't find a palidrome to save my life. But here's what I think:

This song doesn't need words. It's about the sounds, especially the vowel sounds. Just get enveloped by it, awash in assonance and violins. As for the Palindromes? I think that's just a hint that this piece is meant as a verbal plaything.

Not a very interesting post, I know. But check this guy out. David Byrne+Lou Reed+Pete Seeger+Ravi Shankar=not a very good description, but the best I could come up with.

*I also googled it.

4.13.2005

I i, Therefore IM.

Yesterday, an esteemed member of the SPASTIC board won an iPod from Pepsi. He was quite excited, showing everyone he met. His enthusiasm was not matched by most, and some alternative names for the device were suggested, like the:

iCare
iGiveacrap
iHatesweepstakeswinners

And I meditate, again, about the use of the small initial letter in branding. We've got iPods, iBooks, iPaqs, eMacs, the iRiver MP3 player, the BMW iDrive system; there's even a foot massager caled the iSqueez. Anyone ever get a five-day dose of Zithromax? It's called a Z-PAK. Not a small letter, but in the same vein. There are more, maybe you can post the ones you've seen.

I think "i" has had its run. Here's the first salvo in the fight for the use of small initial letter "u". It could stand for "unconventional" or "unmatched quality". It could be used in many products.

Vacuum cleaner: uSuck
Lunchmeat: uTurkey
Ragtime Piano: uBeeblake
Dr. Office: uB Illin'
Ventriloquism Aid: uBigDummy

et cetera. Discuss.

3.31.2005

Something I Authored

Discuss.

3.30.2005

Juan, sense nerds!

In the 1800s, Rev. William Archibald Spooner coined the term "spoonerism" to describe the flipping of initial letters of word pairs or phrases. His coinage for the verbal slip we all make periodically brought attention to some fun phrasings. The following are attributed to Spooner:

We'll have the hags flung out! (flags/hung)
Our shoving leopard (loving/shepherd)
You've tasted two worms (wasted/terms)
You hissed my mystery lecture (missed/history)

Before I knew what they were called, I liked to say:
I'm going to shake a tower!

Some folks refer to the "whole fam damily", which I would never do. Others refer to themselves as "smart fellers", which is yucky. I do like these, though:

Go help me sod
Hit my bunny phone
The lead of spite
belly jeans

And, of course, if you do it right, A Tale of Two Cities takes on a completely different feel.

I'm interested in your favorites, and encourage you to check out one of the Kings of contemporary spoonerism, Bill Strauss, one of the founding members of the Capitol Steps.
http://www.capsteps.com/lirty/falicornia.html

3.29.2005

Heavens to Schadenfreude!

Members of SPASTIC take no pleasure in others' grammatical mistakes. It makes us sad, yes. Cringe, absolutely. But it has come to our attention that there are those that find satisfaction in words like these:

"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'"
-George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

We hope we are clear on this.
-SPASTIC Snagglepuss reference committe

3.27.2005

Let's Make a Dio

As we were relaxing in the great room at SPASTIC HQ the other day, Manny was playing The Very Beast of Dio on the Bose Wave Music System, and it got me thinking:

Greg Louganis should go for Pope when the job comes open. I don't know if he's got the resumé, but when everyone realizes we can call him "Holy Diver" it will be worth it.

3.23.2005

Put Da Rhyme In Da Coconut

I don't have a post here. I got as far as the title, which I like a lot. What's this post about? Is it supposed to be an epic poem about Survivor? Is it a collection of Almond Joy couplets? Let me know!

3.22.2005

From Here to Eternity

HERE AND NOW
NOW 18
18 WHEELER
WHEELS ON THE BUS
SHORT BUS
BUSTER KEATON
MICHAEL KEATON
MICHAEL KNIGHT
KNIGHTS WHO SAY 'NI'
WATER ON THE KNEE
HOLY WATER
HOLY DIVER
DEEP SEA DIVER
HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE
LOVE STINKS
STINKOMAN
MAN ON FIRE
CHICAGO FIRE
CHICAGO PIZZA
PIZZA PLANET
PLANET OF THE APES
GO APE
STOP AND GO
THE BUCK STOPS HERE
MAKE A BUCK
MAKING WHOOPEE
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
RUBE GOLDBERG DEVICE
RUBY, RUBY
A PRICE ABOVE RUBIES
THE PRICE IS RIGHT
RIGHT AS RAIN
IT'S RAINING MEN
ETERNITY FOR MEN

3.18.2005

And Then Along Comes Mary

There's a word game members of SPASTIC play whilst lounging about the club (and interest in the baccarat table has waned). It's a simple word-association game, where play passes about the room, each person having to come up with a word or phrase incorporating a part of the previous word or phrase. Associations can be literal or soundalikes. The object is to get from an established beginning word to an ending word. Here's a simple one:

TASK: Get from BLACK to WHITE.

JET BLACK
BLACK SABBATH
REMEMBER THE SABBATH AND KEEP IT HOLY
HOLY DIVER
DIVER DOWN
WATERSHIP DOWN
DOWN ON YOUR LUCK
LUCKY CHARMS
PRINCE CHARMING
PRINCE OF EGYPT
EGYPTIAN COTTON
COTTON MOUTH
SMALLMOUTH BASS
BASS ALE
HARP ALE
HARPO MARX
KARL MARX
KARL ROVE
RANGE ROVER
RED ROVER
RED CHINA
FINE CHINA
CHINA WHITE

I don't like how the example ends on a drug reference, but that's the way the game is... it goes where it goes. Take a shot at it. Do Black to White, or pick another. How about:
from HOT to COLD
from SUGAR to SPICE
from NEW to OLD
or, a variation is to get back to where you started, like:
from ORANGE to ORANGE

Have fun!

3.16.2005

Jumpin' Jack Flash

Here it is, as promised, a day early so you can practice this fine joke before tomorrow.

The Only Irish Joke I Know, Told But Once A Year

QUESTION: Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?
ANSWER (in best Irish brogue): Because he didn't want it to be too-farty.

Thank you, and keep those Limericks comin'!

*Thanks to Brian Wilson, who told me this joke.

3.11.2005

Can You Hear The Rhymes, Fernando?

POETRY, n.
A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

As we continue to regain strength from a recent bout with flu, we're reminded of the rhyme by (the amazingly prolific) Anonymous:

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly: `Let us flee'
Said the flea: `Let us fly!'
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

While it's accepted that Limericks may have been officially invented in England, 'twas the Irish who took the art form straight to the bathroom, such as the 18th century Limerick that begins:

There once was a man from Uranus

Limericks, of course, use the aabba rhyme scheme, most popular in this classic AABBA rhyme:

Take a chance
Take a chance chance
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
(Take a take a chance chance)

But enough with the Swedes. Back to Ireland. It's almost St. Patrick's Day (which means it's only six days away from my annual "Telling of Ye Olde Only Irish Joke I Know," so check back here on the 17th), so shouldn't we get some limericks going in honor of St. Paddy and all those snakes? Yes! Raise your glasses! And now that you can't see without your glasses, stumble to the nearest refreshment counter and find yourself a drink! And hoist it! And post your limerick!

The four people who visit this website look forward to your submissions.

3.10.2005

Come In, Tarry.

Now, it's time for commentary from SPASTIC's media analyst, Curt Review. Over to you, Curt:

OLD Dan Rather? Well...
NEW Dan: rather well.

3.09.2005

Feeling a Little Floozy

Flu has been working its Blecch Magic through the ranks of SPASTIC as of late. This has caused a strain on our operations. Which strain is uncertain, but the flu-shot-making people* seem to have missed again. So now, we strain to catch up with (it's) life (Jim, but not) as we know it. As the strains of Robert Plant's great new single echo through the room, we look for brighter days ahead:

these are the times of my life
bright, strong and golden
this is the way that I choose when the deal goes down
this is the world that I love
painted all over troubled
take a little sunshine shine it all around
send a little sun down
spread it all around now
shine it all around now
-Robert Plant, Shine It All Around

*if I were a flu shot person, my bumper sticker would be "People are Strains."

3.02.2005

Do Geese See God?

NOTE: This certainly will qualify as SPASTIC's geekiest post yet.

"Son I am able," she said "though you scare me."
"Watch," said I.
"Beloved," I said "watch me scare you though."
Said she, "Able am I, son."
-They Might Be Giants, I Palindrome I
. . . . . .
During cocktails at our last meeting, Bob stood up and yelled "Oh, no! Don Ho!" We thought this was simply one of Bob's numerous non sequiturs, until Anna realized he had just blurted out a sweet palindrome (then fell unconscious onto the divan).

Palindromes, of course, are most often words or phrases spelled the same way backwards as forwards*. The most famous is "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!"** Not nearly as catchy as "Rats live on no evil star" or "May a moody baby doom a yam?" but famous nonetheless.

Now, why is it that so few can take true joy in something like a palindrome? They're seen as trivial, silly, a waste of time.
EXACTLY!
Do people not see that this is why we must appreciate the palindrome (and the spoonerism, and the anagram). We can spend our lives running willy-nilly, never stopping for a rest, or we can take a break and let our brain work in an area it doesn't often use: the, um, backward - word - thinking - up, uh, lobe.
I can sit in the living room, looking out my window thinking: "Was it a car or a cat I saw?" or I can get to work thinking on truly important things, like "when's the next palindromic date?" (01-02-2010).

When your man loses the election, you can complain all you want, but how about complaining in style:
"Loss? Alas! S.O.L."

In addition to the traditional palidrome, there's also the Word-Unit*** Palindrome, such as:
"Better doctors like people treated well because well-treated people like doctors better."
The lyric from the TMBG song at the top of this post is a word-unit palidrome. These are just as fun to create. Here's another:
"You can cage a swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?"
Pure beauty.

So here's the thing: the few minutes it might take to ponder the lovely palindrome will add minutes onto your life. It's a halt. A mental rejuvination. Even if, after 30 minutes, your list reads:
1. DAD
2.
it's OK! It's the procees more than the product. Of course, if you've got some sweet ones, send 'em our way!

We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget!
A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
-"Weird Al" Yankovic, Bob

*Lisa Bonet ate no basil
**America: The Book version: "A man, a plan, an American attempt to control shipping lanes in the Western Hemisphere: Panama!"
***Word-Unit is 50 Cent's newest protégé. He's gonna blow up big!