Snappy Comebacks to Unasked Questions

I just finished Steve Martin's latest book, an autobiography of sorts... it chronicles just his stand-up years. Fascinating and wonderful.

In it, he takes credit for writing this line: "Do you mind if I smoke? No, do you mind if I fart?" Wow. That is one of those lines that I just figured has always been around. Anyhow, it got me thinking about snappy comebacks.
Not much rankles me, and rarely do I tirade* about what someone says or does. I like to think on it, but it doesn't upset me.

So, I don't have any great examples of things people say that bug me. Remember Mad's "Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Questions"? I always enjoyed that bit... I just don't often think people are asking stupid questions. Maybe it's the teacher in me.

But I do like snappy comebacks.

So. Here is a list of Snappy Comebacks... I just don't have the Stupid Questions they, um Comeback... to.

Snappy Comebacks to Unasked Questions

• Maybe on Planet Dokken!
• If you don't mind a little spittle, then yes, absolutely!
• Why else do you think I named my daughter Hermione?
• What'd you expect? Turner and Hooch?
• No, I'm just waiting for the Orange Julius Express!
• When flies pig!
• Never! Unless there are conflict diamonds involved. And then, only on a case-by-case basis.
• No, but I do have lumbago. That's the Forbidden Dance!

*my latest attempt at verbing. "Tirade" means to "go off on a tirade."

Relishing the Thought

What a perv.


There is an ad for relish where a stork says:

"I relish the though of meeting your buns... Vlasic relish that is."

What?

He explains that he never meant anything by complimenting my buns. What he meant was:

"I Vlasic relish the thought of meeting your buns."

He hasn't changed the part about my buns. If he were trying to backpedal the sexy time aura, he would have said something like:

"I relish the thought of meeting your buns... hamburger buns, that is. Because I'm relish. I go... on... buns."

I'm trying to come up with a similar instance of misplaced backpedaling. Maybe:

"This year, my website has been able to garner 10,000 unique views of a photo of my wiener. Jennifer Garner, that is. "

The Drugs of a Nation

I've been thinking about prescription drugs, their names, their marketing, etc. I've had so many random thoughts it's hard to categorize them. So, I won't. What follows is a random progression of thoughts I've had over the last few days. See if you can follow:

Two Things I Get Confused:



Speaking of Flomax,
there's a work by British poet Giles Fletcher called "Christ's Victory And Triumph" that contains these lines:

About the holy city rolls a flood
Of molten crystal, like a sea of glass,
On which weak stream a strong foundation stood,
Of living diamonds the building was.

to which I would reply: "you said weak stream."

Last week, I said I was going to think about some new drug names.
Here are some I've come up with. Feel free to use any of them. Send checks made out to "Cash," please.

Mucinexium: Treats heartburn and mucus buildup.
Wadasec: Slows time long enough to get one's shoes tied before everyone leaves.
Mandelycin: Rejuvenative properties strong enough for, in some cases, career resuscitation. See Deal Or No Deal.
Methodone: Gives users a heightened emotional connection to their current circumstance. Also marketed as Nicholsomine, Brandomycin, and Denirotonin.
Addemall: Anxiety medication for producers unsure of which villains are necessary to make a successful superhero sequel. See Spider-Man 3, Batman and Robin.
Darvaset: Rationality inhibitor. Prescribed to those thinking about joining any shady-sounding Fox Reality shows.
Vickodin: Caffeine pill. From their website: "Feeling dog tired? Need a burst of energy? Try Vickodin. If you've lost 1/2 or more of your vitality, we'll help you get at least a quarter back."
FlikDotAtta Diethylamide: Antacid.

Here are some drug names I don't have description for, but like their sound:

Sexium
Xenax
Benaflex: something about flexible benfits, or Ben Affleck.
I want to come up with a drug that is an "Analcheesic."

Maybe I'll come back and add to this list sometime. What have you got?

Christmas #1s

So, this is a quick post I anticipate returning to as I pay more attention and my list grows.

There are some searches people use to find my site that are so oddball, I come up as the #1 hit in Google. Which is cool, but I often wonder why folks are searching it to begin with. The big one is the phrase simple pans tense. It shows up all the time.... like nearly every day at least one person searches for this. What does it mean? Google thinks it's a typo. Maybe it is... but looking at a keyboard, it doesn't seem like a typo, at least not for "past tense," anyway. Any ideas?

Another popular search is for fake palindromes, though that only comes up #3. In that vein, the misspelled pallindrome gets me a lot of visits, too, thanks to a typo in a comment post on that page. Another comment typo that gets me a #1 is a search for meaning of audasity.

Another #1 hit is rhyme scheme of the song holy diver. This one makes me happy.

A #1 hit that surprises me is #1 is the infamous el guapo. Seems like other sites would be ahead of me, on that one.

Another I see about once a week is list of words for said. Another #1.

And Emoticon Woman. Sounds like a great screamo song.

And Oh Ya You Betcha.

Another I like, because it means others have the same problem I had, is pronounce requited.

Strangely, Danny Bonaduce tree gets a #1. I can't imagine what that person's looking for.

Soon, I hope Christmas #1 holy diver gets me a #1. That'd rock.

ADDENDA
Nut N Honey Truck - #1! (12/10)

Spicy Chips, Ahoy!and, Only Brand-Name Drugs For Me

I wrote recently about how Blair's Death Rain was probably the only contender for the "America's Favorite Spicy Chip!" crown.
Just coming from dinner at Speedway, I can tell you that Lay's has an entry I found quite good. It's called... wait for it... "Flamin' Hot."
Maybe it's been around awhile, I don't know. But any hot chip I've had been not-so-hot. With this, there was a bit of an afterburn. Nice.

In Other News:
Apart from the fact that the drug Requip has a side effect that results in "sudden strong gambling or sexual urges," I must say I do like the name. Is drug-name-comer-up-with-er a job? Because I think I'd be good at it. That'll be my next post, I think. Let me get to thinkin' on that.

Some drug names create portmanteaux: Re-equip=Requip. (Or maybe it's simply stating a witty remark twice?) Prevent Acid=Prevacid. Singular Air (?)=Singulair.

Some drug names just evoke a feeling: Zoloft makes me want to float away. Zyrtec seems futuristic. Claritin says, well, clarity.

So, stay tuned. Especially if you're a drug-namer. Pure gold is on its way, first-come, first-served. I also want to look into the drug-naming industry. Anyone have any resources?

America's Favorite!

As I circled the high school cafeteria on a Saturday morning, double-checking that none of the hundreds of Standardized Testers in the room had gone back and finished bubbling a previous section, my eye was drawn to food. Not food, per se, but pictures of food. More specifically, pitches of food.

As in, sales pitches.

Turns out, many of the food items offered in this cafeteria are "America's Favorite" of that variety.

For example, SuperPretzel is America's favorite... well, it's not clear. Favorite pretzel? Maybe not. Soft pretzel? Frozen soft pretzel warmed under a heat lamp? We're not told, but I would love to see the research on this. Don't get me wrong. I love the SuperPretzel. Especially the wrestling ones.

As a seasonal alternative, you could pick up Tastee caramel apples, America's Favorite caramel apple. Their website also promises that they are the "World's Best!" Whoa.*

In said cafeteria's vending machine, they sold bags of something called Blair's Death Rain Habañero Kettle Cooked Potato Chips. They are, as you may know, "America's Favorite Spicy Chip!" Here is a brand narrowing the genre so tightly, that there is probably no one to dispute the "favorite" claim. What are my options? I may not care for Death Rain, but of all the other spicy chips available, I guess it's my favorite... It'd be like advertising "Frasier: America's Favorite Cheers spin-off!" What other competition is there? Though, I always said no one really gave The Tortellis a chance.

Man, that Jean Kasem...

I've decided to follow Blair's Death Rain's lead. I will create a sub-genre so specific that no one has taken the time to query: "what, I wonder, in this incredibly narrow field, is America's Favorite"? For instance:

America's Favorite Apple Cell Phone?
America's Favorite Ham-Flavored Soda?
America's Favorite Blog Dedicated To Preservation Of The Subjunctive Mood Which Never Mentions It After The First Post?

No, these have all got their markets cornered. I need something more original.
Maybe America's Favorite Spiked Jam. Not spiked, like with alcohol, but I'm thinking with real spikes. Not sure of the value-added benefit of spikes as yet, but I'm fairly certain that it can be labeled "America's Favorite!"

Another that fits the "And The Competition For This Is...?" category is something called "Unbridled," billed as "America's Favorite Equine Lifestyle Series."

Some Favorites, when you hear them, seem no-brainers. Like:
Starkist is America's Favorite Tuna.
Jeopardy is America's Favorite Quiz Show.

I know Chicken of the Sea is a tuna, but I would never argue it was as big as Charlie the Tuna. Big Tuna, indeed. But, here's the thing... Chicken of the Sea says that, while not "America's Favorite," it is "The Best." Which is the thing with calling yourself the favorite, right? It's often not a statement of quality so much as market share.

Now, here's one I might have to take issue with. Mahatma Rice is, apparently, "America's Favorite Rice!" Can this be true? I've never heard of it. Maybe it's a regional thing. But where's Uncle Ben's? Where's Minute Rice? These are the names that come to mind for me. Hmmm. I need to see the research on this one, as well.

Also:

Phantom is is America's Favorite Fireworks Company.
Yankee Baskets is is America's Favorite Basket Store.
Mama McNabb is America's Favorite Sports Mom.
Pam is America's Favorite Cooking Spray.
Laura Ashley is America's Favorite Lifestyle Brand (whatever that means).
Jack Hannah is America's Favorite Zoologist**.
Kokomo Jr. was America's Favorite TV Chimpanzee.
Giorgio is America's Favorite Mushroom.
The Legends Rock is America's Favorite Rock-n-Roll Comedy Show.


*They also make something called the Tastee Jelly Apple, which is "a New York Favorite." Sounds nasty. And anyone that knows me will tell you I'm not too discerning when it comes to refined sugars.
**While articles about him refer to him as such, I don't find where he actually calls himself this.

DPO5: "Graphics, J. Garner"

Q: What do you call your mother's sister, who is a colorful CIA double-agent uniquely skilled at smoothing the jagged appearance of lines in graphics?

A: Auntie Alias.

What's a pun obscurae?

It's Life, Jim. But not as we know it.

I wanna live
with a cinnamon girl
I could be happy
the rest of my life
With a cinnamon girl.
-Neil Young, "Cinnamon Girl"

So, I'm not allowed to do the shopping very often.

When I do do the shopping (yes, I just said do-do), I usually end up buying things not on the list. I tend to steer toward store-brand and generic items, as I am a bit of a cheapskate. Which is why I found myself investigating the price per ounce of every cereal in the aisle, instead of just picking up the 14 oz. Honey Nut Cheerios as instructed. As I drifted toward the Quaker end of things, I saw this:



and I thought "Are they serious? A cinnamon girl on the box of cinnamon cereal?"

Come on.

Perhaps this is unintentional. After all, the regular Life box cover has a boy with Asian features... maybe just a coincidence that occurred as a result of Cereal Box Diversity. And, of course, some would argue whether the girl in question is indeed cinnamon in tone. I am not one to make this call. By the way, I am generally in favor of incorporating a variety of ethnicities in product labeling.

But, again: come on.

Life has other flavors, too. They're not in all stores, but I was able to get a photo of the Chocolate Oat Crunch Life box cover:



Addendum #1: It seems that it is unclear that the Chocolate Life has a photo of Ray Nagin on its front, therein lying the humor.

Addendum #2: I asked a colleague if he'd seen "Cinnamon Life", and he said: "is that one of those urban magazines the kids read?"

New Favorite Word: Bioretention

I was at a conference last week. The entire front of the conference center was torn up by construction of something called Bioretention facilities. Throughout the building were signs explaining the reason for the dust, all with BIORETENTION written as the large headline. As far as I can tell, it's a way to filter rainwater using environmentally-friendly, landscaped forms.

Well, "bioretention" is my new favorite word. As a teacher, it's a useful shorthand to explain the feeling you get on your no-plan day when lunch is overtaken by students doing makeup work, and you keep trying to head to the rest room, but something keeps interrupting.

"Mr. Morse? Are you OK? You seem awfully... um... tense?"

"It's fine, Charles. Just a touch of bioretention, is all..."


note: by far, the most popular post s on this blog are the ones on bathroom euphemisms.

DPO4: "The Office"

Q: What should an employee of Dunder Mifflin keep in mind when going on a road trip?

A: Don't take Dwight's route.

(Not working for you? Say it out loud.
It may not make it funnier, but it will be louder.)


What's a pun obscurae?

Daily Pun Oscurae 3: Rap

I'm thinking of a kind of hip-hop Batman reinvention, kind of a Dark Night Remixed. The protagonist?

Lil' [Bruce] Wayne

And, of course, when he says in the pilot episode that "nobody do it better than that distance d***", we know he's talking about D*** Grayson.

What's a pun obscurae?

Pun-itory Damage

I've decided to start a series.
A daily series.
Do not laugh.
If this becomes daily like my podcast is weekly, you will see it about once a month.
We'll see. I'm keeping it simple, so maybe it'll work.
OK, so [drumroll] here it is:

The Daily Pun Obscurae

I realize the title would lead you to believe these are dark puns. But they're dark, as in "in the shadows". As in, if you're not hanging in this particular area of pop culture, these puns will make no sense. As in, if a title of a feature needs this much explanation, it's probably a crap title.

But, here's the thing. If you are into these things, I think the puns should be enjoyable. They will be bad, guaranteed. No knee-slappers in the bunch. Groaners, all. But I hope you can give props to someone who has these things in his head, then decides to share them, in the hopes that two people will see them and appreciate.

So, here we go. As I build a collection, maybe I'll try to organize them into categories. Play along. And check back tomorrow. Well, Monday.

Daily Pun Oscurae 2: Trek

Context (n): The novelization of the film Star Trek II.

Daily Pun Obscurae 1: Heroes

Q: Why did Niki Sanders purchase new kitchen countertops?


A: It was formica.

Stickin' It To The Man

My video about Speedy Rewards Bonus Points is here.
Since you all have been asking.

SubPod2: Blends!

Subjunctivitis Podcast Episode Two

The description of Subjunctivitis Podcast in iTunes calls it a "weekly."
Turns out, this is a lie.

In this episode:

• Listener Feedback
• Lousy French
• A list of fun portmanteaux (sp?)
  
• The childrens' book of blends
• Unresolved audio level problems
• Same lousy theme music

UPDATE: I've since listened to Reminissions, by the group Avenged Sevenfold (I misspoke in the post, calling them simply "Sevenfold). They're not half-bad. I still don't know what the song's about, though.

Subjunctivitis: The Podcast The premise of snow, billboards, irony and McDonald's

Well, I've tried it. Not sure if I like it. But here is Episode One of the Subjunctivitis Podcast.

I'll be back in the next few days to spruce this post up, but I wanted to get it out there and make sure it's working. One big thing I need to address is why the file's so dang big. Maybe that's normal. I don't think so, though.

In this episode:

• On Snowflakes and Stale Metaphors
  
• Meet the New Sauce, same as the Old Sauce
• Cracker Barrel Irony
• "Pass It On" billboards
• Premises, Premises
  

And now, another Word Chain for the Holidays (belated)

CHRISTMAS to NEW YEAR'S EVE
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS CAROLS
CAROL BURNETT
MARK BURNETT
MARK TWAIN
NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET
MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS
LOUIS ARMSTRONG
ARMSTRONG SUSPENDED CEILING
GLASS CEILING
BLOWN GLASS
BLOWN SPEAKERS
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
"HOUSE" ON FOX
FOX & THE HOUND
HOUND DOG
SNOOP DOGG
SNOOPY VS. THE RED BARON
RED BARON PIZZA
LITLE CAESARS PIZZA
CAESAREAN SECTION
SECTION EIGHT
EIGHT MEN OUT
TIME OUT
MORRIS DAY & THE TIME
NIGHT & DAY
NIGHT SHADOWS
SHADOWFAX
PHONE/FAX/COPIER
COPY MACHINE GUY
GUY SMILEY
SMILEY FACE
FACE/OFF
THE OFFICE
OFFICE SPACE
SPACE HEATER
PACINO AND DENIRO IN HEAT
NERO FIDDLED
FIDDLER CRAB
CRABBY PATTIES
TWO ALL-BEEF PATTIES
PATTI LABELLE
BELLE OF THE BALL
DISCO BALL
DISCO DUCK
DONALD DUCK
DONALD TRUMP
TRUMPET FANFARE
FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MAN
MAN IN THE MOON
RC COLA & A MOON PIE
THE UNCOLA
UNEMPLOYED
SELF-EMPLOYED
SELF-DESTRUCT
EVE OF DESTRUCTION
NEW YEAR'S EVE

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