Stinkin' Up The Place

In Eldest (young adult Star Wars/Lord of the Rings knockoff written by a dude who's, like, twelve), a character presents the possibilty of using barges to facilitate an escape, and someone says:

Barges? We don't need no stinking barges!

Man. The Sierra Madre (or, more likely, Blazing Saddles) reference is completely out of place in this elf/dwarf/dragon/magic fantasy epic. If the book were built upon quirky pop-culture references (Xanth, anyone?), OK. But it's not. This is not a funny tale.

"We don't need no stinkin'" this and that has been a popular phraseology for years, and this is not the first time I've thought about it. It's just the first time I've had a blog in which to think it through.

Google gives 174,000 hits for the phrase "We don't need no stinkin'". 142,000 for "We don't need no stinking". It gives only 14,800 hits for "We don't need no steenkin'", but that still seems impressive for a phonetically-spelled word. There are even over a thousand hits for "We don't need no steeenkin'".
People like this phrase.

Here's a look at Google's first ten hits for places that say they don't need no stinkin' something:

1. We don't need no stinkin' login!
2. Singelton? We don't need no stinkin' Singleton!
3. 401K? We don't need no stinkin' 401K!
4. Books? We don't nee no stinkin' books!
5. Training? We don't need no stinkin' training!"
6. Keyframes? We don't need no stinkin' keyframes!
7. Rules? I don't need no stinkin' rules!
8. We don't need no stinkin' stats!
9. We don't need no stinkin' love songs!
10. We don't need no stinkin' cookies!

The Stinking Badges Home Page is a pretty nifty catalog of references, a look at how this quote has permeated our culture. It also has as its first entry the actual quote, from the book and movie, which has been misquoted ever since.

While some use the structure "We don't need no stinkin' X" (X being whatever it is we need no stinkin' of), most retain the structure "X? We don't need no stinkin' X!", using X as a question before commenting on our need for X.

People who have time to make up names for this sort of thing call them "snowclones". The term refers to any adaptable cliché, where a word is replaced with a different word appropriate to the conversation at hand. For example:

To see, or not to see?

The name comes from the oft-repeated (and apparently erroneous) statement:
The Eskimos have __ words for for snow... (usually followed by something like "surely you can come up with __ words for ____.")

So. Why do we dig the "don't need no stinkin'" phrasing so much? Is it because it gives us an excuse to use poor grammar? Or the excuse to use an over-the-top accent typical of Mexican Bandits? We get to say "steenkin'", which is fun... shades of "friggin'", but with a touch of danger attached. But doesn't it get old? Probably not for deadline-pressed admen and headline writers.

I think there's a place to add this to a database of snowclones. I'll have to do that. Unless it's already there. In which case, I'm again late to the stinkin' party.

Of Carpools and Malapropisms

In the carpool yesterday, a young science teacher told the story of setiing up an experiment using a small, scissor/tweezer-esque implement. A couple of students asked:
"Is that your Rose Clip?"
She wasn't catching their reference, but the way they snickered she was pretty sure it was drug-related. They found it even funnier that she didn't know what they were talking about.
In the 'pool, we explained to her they were probably talking about a Roach Clip.

What have we learned today?
1. Two young men laughed at their teacher for not knowing what a "rose clip" is.
2. The closest thing Google gets to their meaning for the term is "Download Charlie Rose Clip"
3. Sadly, the irony of the situation will forever be lost to these two fellows.

Bork Bork Bork

And now, time for another episode of Stating the Obvious...

It's tough to write the way people talk.

I mean, yeah, of course it is. Some are better at it than others. I happen to enjoy Tom Wolfe (deal with it), and his contrived spellings that imitate dialect are fun for me. But I don't really feel I know what the person sounds like. Only a caricature of the person.

I'm thinking of this, because a post heading at ilani ilani is Ancient Egyptian Pronunciation. Which, of course, made me think of the Calgon ad that ends with the lady saying:
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

But that doesn't get the way she says it, does it? It's more:
Ancient Chinese secret, hanh?

Or perhaps:
Ancient Chinese secret, huuuh?

This lines up more with what's in my head. But if you don't know the ad, the last word comes off as something Patrick Star might utter.
So. If we can't guarantee the reading will be what we wish, do we skip it altogether? There's a nice piece here where the author uses Gone With the Wind to make a pretty convincing argument against dailectic spelling.

But, who cares, really? What I really wanted to show you is what I suppose some will see as a vaguely offensive site, as it purports to translate any text into Jive (a la Airplane!). I'll let you take that one on your own... I instead translated a part of yesterday's post into Swedish Chef.

A Hut Met

Vhy du I hefe-a sooch a prublem veet met beellbuerds?
I theenk met is bed, und needs tu be-a stupped. Bork bork bork! Boot ere-a cunffooseeng merketeeng cempeeegns zee vey tu gu?

Zee letest tegleene-a:

Theenk met is pretty? Yeeh, pretty stoopeed. Bork bork bork!

OoK. It vuoold be-a a clefer vurdpley iff I thuooght peuple-a reelly theenk met is "pretty". Hefe-a uny ooff yuoo ell ifer essuceeeted met veet beooty? I theenk ooff heellbillies, durty bethtoobs, und gereges. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Ooff cuoorse-a, I'm nut zee terget oodeeence-a. Boot du yuoo theenk keeds see-a met es pretty? I dun't see-a it. Um de hur de hur de hur.
Et ell.

Meybe-a I'm vey ooffff. I'd leeke-a sumeune-a tu tell me-a thees mekes sense-a. Becoose-a I'm soore-a a lutta duoogh vent intu it. Um de hur de hur de hur.

Und meybe-a zee cleferness ooff zee messege-a isn't vhet's impurtunt. Um de hur de hur de hur... meybe-a it's ebuoot increesed evereness: "met is pretty stoopeed". OoK. Boot troot.cum muneges tu be-a but insunely ooreeginel, clefer, und subereeng et zee seme-a teeme-a. It cun be-a dune-a.

Zeere-a is a TF ed tu gu veet it. Um de hur de hur de hur. Zee fueeceufer verns thet "yuoo cun becume-a eddeected effter joost yuoor secund use-a." Hooh. Su zee furst is a geemme-a, epperently. Bork bork bork!

Sounds rather Jar-Jar, but fun nonetheless. And an example of dialectic spelling where you really need to have a reference to read it. I can't see this working if I didn't know the Swedish Chef.

A Hot Meth

Why do I have such a problem with meth billboards?
I think meth is bad, and needs to be stopped. But are confusing marketing campaigns the way to go?

The latest tagline:

Think meth is pretty? Yeah, pretty stupid.

OK. It would be a clever wordplay if I thought people really think meth is "pretty". Have any of you all ever associated meth with beauty? I think of hillbillies, dirty bathtubs, and garages. Of course, I'm not the target audience. But do you think kids see meth as pretty? I don't see it.
At all.

Maybe I'm way off. I'd like someone to tell me this makes sense. Because I'm sure a lotta dough went into it.

And maybe the cleverness of the message isn't what's important... maybe it's about increased awareness: "meth is pretty stupid". OK. But truth.com manages to be both insanely original, clever, and sobering at the same time. It can be done.

There is a TV ad to go with it. The voiceover warns that "you can become addicted after just your second use." Huh. So the first is a gimme, apparently.

This may be just a Michigan campaign. And it looks pretty slick. But it doesn't work for me. I tried finding any kind of a link to show you the ad, but I think it's too new. There is one campaign I found that I love, though.
Partnership for a Drug-Free America put out Faces of Meth (the name itself a clever play on "Faces of Death"), which shows mugshots of people before and after using meth. Whoa. Check out the woman who after four years turned into Bride of Frankenstein.

So, what do you think? Does it matter how dopey the presentation is as long as the message is out there? Or should it actually make sense?


BTW, I think a website devoted to meth info should be called "Methopotamia".

Just Thinking

If there's a condition where a baby's up all night crying from the pain associated with living in a pastoral setting, it should be called bucolic.

Potty Sign Definitely Not The Shiznit

"Brain Freeze"* just made it into the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Yes! I thought maybe this was the year for "shiznit", but it seems that's still in the wings.
It's been at least ten years since the first time someone used "shiznit" in a sentence in my presence, and it still gets play. Alas, I guess I need to resubmit my suggestion.

***

This sign hangs over a urinal I frequent:

WHEN FINISHED,
PLEASE JIGGLE HANDLE
UNTIL IT FLUSHES

If I were to wait that long, I'd still be there, I'm afraid.


*When a friend was a church camp counselor, they would have contests to see which camper could drink a slushy the fastest. Mean, dude. Just mean.

Oh, What A Relief It Is

A catalog came to the house with this cool clock for sale:



The pins shift in and out as the minutes change, giving a cool bas relief* readout. It's like those pin art things where you stick your face in and the pins make a 3D mold of you. At least, I always stick my face in. Other people probably stick in other things. (keep your thoughts to yourself here, BP)

Any-hoo, the bottom of the description had this to say:

Takes 2D batteries

I laughed. Then, five short days later, I ran to the computer to share with you all.
I anxiously await the newest flood of spam postings in response.


*not sure if this technically is bas relief, but I didn't want to use 3D twice in two sentences.

Grab a Paddle and Hold On

A gusher of thoughts hit me in the shower this morning, and here they are, in order, before I forget them. Rarely do I take the time to trace my stream of consciousness, but since some of these thoughts were languagey I thought I'd let you all float down the stream with me.

stroke
Speaking of extraneous punctuation, CSI: is just silly. I know they do it because of CSI: Miami and CSI: New York and the upcoming CSI: Salt Lake City*. They think we somehow need remind that "hey! There are other CSIs out there!" But I don't get that from a colon at all. All I get is that you were about to add something, then stopped typing. It's more like CSI: oh, forget it.
stroke
Which makes me think of emoticons. The birthday of the emoticon was recently, and it got me thinking that I never have used one. Seriously. I never drew smileys in letters either or wrote "j/k" after a joke. I've always figures that either you get me, or not. Of course, I can be dry and sometimes my jests have been taken straight.
An emoticon could have changed the response to a note slipped surreptitiously to my (soon-to-be-canceled) date in 4th hour Algebra. Tell me if you see a difference:
#1. Maybe we could hit Pixie and try to get our names on the wall for eating 12 burgers.
#2. Maybe we could hit Pixie and try to get our names on the wall for eating 12 burgers. :)
stroke
For the record, my name's on the wall at Pixie in Mt. Pleasant. It's not under Eric "Babe" Morse, though. That's a pseudonym. Look for Chad Sanders. And it's for eight coneys, not 12 burgers.
stroke
In the eighth-grade spelling bee, the moderator asked us to spell pseudonym. But he pronounced it SUEDE-uh-Nimh. Like suede coat. We got it right, anyways.
stroke
A math teacher of mine had elbow patches the size of mouse pads.
stroke
Had a dream last night I became a 2nd-grade teacher. At the open house, I was 30 minutes late and there was a mob at my door. I tried to explain that I'd been caught in a freakish lightning storm, and trees were falling everywhere, but no one seemed to have noticed any storm. I told them I was very into active learning, and this made them happy, except for one lady, who said "Not a good first impression. That's strike one."

And that's the end of my shower. Eventually, all things merge into one. And a River Runs Through It.

*Since I've always seen the CSIs as latter-day Quincys, this one works for me. :)

Birdland

This is off-topic.

But for six months or so, I've been listening to Tables and Chairs, a wonderful song from Andrew Bird. And every single time, every time, it makes me smile. It just played while I was grumpily sweating over a deadline, and I stopped, listened, and smiled.
I don't really take time to think what it's about. My take is it's a kind of post-apocalyptic future, which turns out kinda nice.

I know we're gonna meet someday in the crumbled financial institutions of this land
there will be tables and chairs
pony rides and dancing bears
there'll even be a band
'cause listen after the fall there'll be no more countries
no currencies at all
we're gonna live on our wits
throw away survival kits
trade butterfly knives for Adderal
and that's not all
woah!
there will be snacks, there will
there will be snacks!

It's the "there will be snacks" that I just adore. Such joy. The Adderal rhyme's fun, too. That is all. Support this man, if you find it groovy. I got this as a free iTunes Pepsi download... I think that means he still gets, like 25¢ or something.

The Holy Ghos't

This billboard greets commuters on our local freeway:

You can't read all of it as you drive by. You get about to "Heavenly Father" and you're by it. Apparently, these 'boards were put up by a Detroit-area businessman frustrated that he can't break through the lock the auto industry has on local commerce. At first, this makes one think of the "God Speaks" series, the white-on-black messages that God sent down to our billboards with messages like: "Don't make me come down there. -God"

But the God Speaks series was obviously meant to make us laugh, then maybe think for a second. And you could read them in three seconds. This guy asks God to "forgive us our sin of being dependent on the Auto Industry..." Hang on. [checks biblegateway.com]. Nope, no "auto industry" commandments that I know of.

OK, I get his point. And having the ability to drop $5,000 (a guess, probably low) on some pretty ugly billboards that you have to park to read is pretty cool.
But here's the thing:

IN JESUS NAME

In Jesus we trust, yes. In Jesus I find Peace, sure. "In Jesus name" is missing something. Something simple, something that people who will take checks for $5,000 should probably take a second to fix. Don't you think?

Flip It Real Good

In "Lisa's Rival", Lisa meets the new girl, who is younger and smarter than she. It's a beautiful look at the fun and frustrating sport of Anagramming.

Taylor: Hi, Lisa, I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard
great things about you.
Lisa: Oh, really? I --
Taylor: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us
in our anagram game.
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a
description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [looks with consternation] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. You know
what? I have a ball. [pulls one from his pocket] Perhaps you'd
like to bounce it?

Anagrams go way the heck back. Like, B.C. back. Used to be, if you were clever with wordplay, you could be made a part of the King's Court. Kind of like the Anagrammatist Laureate. What a sweet job, sit around all day rearranging letters. Then, they invented television and we all stopped thinking. That's a shortened history, but the point is people don't delight in wordplay as much as they used to.

Which is too dang bad, because a) it's a brainstretch, which we all can use a little of and b) it makes me laugh.

Now, technically, an anagram is simply the letters of a word or phrase rearranged to create a different word or phrase. But the fun part is when you can make the rearrangement makes sense, and make it a particularly insightful reflection of the original word or phrase. This is the fine craft, and mystics, Kabbalists, and Will Shortz have long looked to anagrams for meaning and portent.

For instance, I can anagram Pamela Anderson into "Madonna's a leper", but it doesn't really make much sense. From Alyssa Milano, I can get "I am only a lass", which makes sense enough, but isn't terribly funny or insightful. Woody Allen to "A lewd loony" or "Wooed all NY", now that's good stuff. (All of these examples came from anagramgenius)

The internet (small "i", any objections?) has made anagrams rather fun again. Plug any word or phrase into an anagram server and get back thousands of options. Many make no sense, but it gives you somewhere to start.

So, you got one? Should it be a contest? Myself, I'd like to see what anagrams people could find of "staff meeting", "professional development", or "standardized testing". But that's just me. Share Your Ideas! Which may, of course, Assure Hairy Ode!

Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady Chablis

So, I'm working. In the other room, Law & Order: CI is on. Someone on the TV says:

"...died giving himself a sherry enema."

I yell into the room:

"Sherry Enema would be a great drag queen name!"

No response. I wish they still made Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

I'd try out for it.

Cuz that was gold, if you ask me.

You Have Violated My Fragging Rights

In this post, I talked about a crazy headline that used one-word sentences to create a hip little slogan. Unfortunately, it didn't hold together gramatically. In my library today, there was a giant check from Wal-Mart®, like this one:



There, on the check, is Wal-Mart®'s do-good slogan:

Good. Works.

OK, now I get that they do "good works". And I even get that the act of doing good works out well in the end. Both of these meanings can be taken from the phrase. But what does the sentence "Good." mean? In the other example (Quality. Hometown. Care.), at least the three words were descriptors, and it kind of held together. This, I can't buy at all. To me, the sentence "Good." only works in this context:

SHE: I'm leaving, and never coming back!
HE: Good.

And the sentence "Works." just doesn't.

What is it with the sentence frag tag lines?* Do you have other examples? I know I've seen more...

*Oooh. Frag Tags. I like that.

Movin' Out

This sign was posted by the roadside today:

MOVING
SALE
AHEAD

Such simple words, fraught with such ambiguity.

Has the scheduled date of the sale been bumped up? To when? Have I missed it?
Is this a sale that moves about, like a Progressive Supper?
Will the emotional impact of the sale be so moving that I may be transformed? Am I up to this?

Or is it that someone is moving. And having a sale. And it's up there a ways. And that I felt I didn't have the time for a more thoughtful post, and I mailed this in.

Could be.

If You Build It, They Will Still Charge $1.50 For Extra Guac

A Build-Your-Own Fajita* restaurant in town has two large signs on the wall, side by side, with the headlines:

WINES • MARGARITA'S

I understand that folks feel impelled to add apostrophe's after vowels. I know that this is a Thing (This cartoon acknowledges that fact nicely), but then I can't follow as to why they didn't have WINE'S. These are very nice, very permanent signs.

huh.

ALSO IN MY HEAD
A superior said the other day that he'd taken so much heat from his bosses that "at this point I have Asbestos Pants. Cute. I wrote it down. Then I wrote next to it: "He's doing asbestos he can." There's a knock-knock joke in there somewhere...

*You don't have Build Your Own Fajita places? Not only do you get to spend as much as you would at any other nice restaurant, you get to make your own dinner and wait in line for someone to cook it. Genius!

Three Short Bits

Unce
The Wiggles have a camel song with this rhyme:
From Abu Dhabi to Australia
In the desert a camel won't fail ya
Awesome.

Tice
A hospital billboard in town uses this headline:

QUALITY. HOMETOWN. CARE.

Shouldn't these one-word statements be parallel? As I read them, I get that this hospital is (of) quality, it is (in my) hometown, and that it is... care. I realize that they mean to say that they care, but then they would also be saying that they quality, no? Bill Walsh had a nice bit about this a while back.

Fee Tines
I don't often go about telling people of funnies I made earlier. They are never funny out of context. But I am quite proud of a joke no one in the car laughed at, and I share it here. If this makes me a Big Fat Egohead, so be it.

SEVEN YEAR OLD SON PLAYING WITH BALLOON: Daddy, do you know what's keeping my balloon down?
DADDY: Is it The Man?

Correction: I laughed.

Bonus Fourth Bit
For, like, a week now, Sir Paul's My Love has been in and out of my head:

Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo , my love does it good.

Such crazy grammar. Such schmaltz. Yet, there it is. Every morning. Can't kick it it.

Snap To It

The word "snap" (as in SNAP!) has become quite a versatile idiom, especially with those younger than I.
"Snap" can be:

A response to a putdown
CLARENCE (to JERRY): You're so stupid it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes.
ME (on sidelines): Oh, snap!

An S-word alternative
TOMMY: Snap! March of the Penguins is sold out! Looks like Dukes of Hazzard for me!

An expression of joy
RED: Whoa! I'm getting Gameshow Network for free! Snap!


An expression of surprise
PHIL: Snap! Steven Tyler is a doctor!

Of course, standard definitions of "snap" (finger-popping, losing one's temper) are still about, but seldom used.

These ruminations come about because yesterday I purchased these:

These, as you may know, are SNAPS®. As hard as I find this to believe, I had never had SNAPS® before yesterday. I enjoy candy. If I had an Indian Prince's cash, I'd build a chocolate palace, and eat it all before it melted. How have these treasures eluded me? They're like Good-n-Plenty, but Gooder and Plentier. I had some left, and I just finished them. Snap, these are good.

A new school year is beginning. I will keep a supply of these delicacies on hand. When students yell out Snap! (as is their wont) I shall chuck one their way. As these candies were not made by Mountain Dew*, they will hate them.

So, as we bend at the starting block of a year, awaiting the buzzer that sounds the start of another mixed metaphor, take a moment to luxuriate in the anise-y goodness that is the SNAP®.

*Kids love the Mountain Dew. Is it just me, or wasn't Pitch Black II called The Chronicles of Riddick?

The Man With One Red Sumac

We passed yesterday at the mall.
I did not acknowledge you.
For that, I am Truly Sorry.

but

The Warning on the back of my
Aveeno®
States clearly:
When using
Avoid contact with eyes.

Please understand.

Thanks.

Place Shirt Pun Here*

Saw this on a fellow at Six Flags:




I laughed.
PIN number and ATM machine came to mind as possible inspiration for this shirt (maybe I was feeling cash-strapped at the time). This site is a fun look at what they call Redundant Acronym Phrases (I think they should be called RAP phrases). Any other examples come to mind?


In unrelated news
Another Six Flags shirt:

If you love him
Let him go.
If he doesn't come back
He's with me.

*Shirt Happens, Getting My Shirt Together... it's all so base. There's a better one, I'll think on it whilst camping this weekend.

Kiss Me On The Veranda

A recent conversation:

SHE:...all last week, we were incommunicado.
ME: So you don't have cell phones?
SHE: Yeah... that's how we stay incommunicado.
ME: ...
SHE: We were in communicado.

At this point I realize she is using incommunicado to mean "in communication". Interesting. In contrast to what this blog may lead you to believe, I am not a grammar Nazi. I do not get all up in people's grills like "Use the subjunctive! It's if I were! Come on!" No, the conversation ended thusly:

ME: Oh.

It made me think of a scene from Three Amigos.

LUCKY: One hundred thousand pesos to come to Santa Poco, put on show, stop. The infamous El Guapo.
DUSTY: What does that mean? Infamous?�
NED: Ah, Dusty! Infamous is when you're more than famous! This guy El Guapo is not just famous, he's IN-famous!
LUCKY: A hundred thousand pesos to do a personal appearance with this guy El Guapo, who is probably the biggest actor to ever come out of Mexico!
DUSTY: Wow, the IN-famous? IN-famous?

It's not a perfect fit, but I think of the Three Amigos a lot. Anyone remember Steve Martin's "I'm-up-here!" bird call? Pure gold. Anyhow, it's just an example of how we interpret words and phrases. Just recently, I dropped the ball on the meaning of "wotcher"... not watching my context clues. What about you all? Words you thought meant something different, or even opposite?