New Favorite Word: Bioretention

I was at a conference last week. The entire front of the conference center was torn up by construction of something called Bioretention facilities. Throughout the building were signs explaining the reason for the dust, all with BIORETENTION written as the large headline. As far as I can tell, it's a way to filter rainwater using environmentally-friendly, landscaped forms.

Well, "bioretention" is my new favorite word. As a teacher, it's a useful shorthand to explain the feeling you get on your no-plan day when lunch is overtaken by students doing makeup work, and you keep trying to head to the rest room, but something keeps interrupting.

"Mr. Morse? Are you OK? You seem awfully... um... tense?"

"It's fine, Charles. Just a touch of bioretention, is all..."


note: by far, the most popular post s on this blog are the ones on bathroom euphemisms.

DPO4: "The Office"

Q: What should an employee of Dunder Mifflin keep in mind when going on a road trip?

A: Don't take Dwight's route.

(Not working for you? Say it out loud.
It may not make it funnier, but it will be louder.)


What's a pun obscurae?

Daily Pun Oscurae 3: Rap

I'm thinking of a kind of hip-hop Batman reinvention, kind of a Dark Night Remixed. The protagonist?

Lil' [Bruce] Wayne

And, of course, when he says in the pilot episode that "nobody do it better than that distance d***", we know he's talking about D*** Grayson.

What's a pun obscurae?

Pun-itory Damage

I've decided to start a series.
A daily series.
Do not laugh.
If this becomes daily like my podcast is weekly, you will see it about once a month.
We'll see. I'm keeping it simple, so maybe it'll work.
OK, so [drumroll] here it is:

The Daily Pun Obscurae

I realize the title would lead you to believe these are dark puns. But they're dark, as in "in the shadows". As in, if you're not hanging in this particular area of pop culture, these puns will make no sense. As in, if a title of a feature needs this much explanation, it's probably a crap title.

But, here's the thing. If you are into these things, I think the puns should be enjoyable. They will be bad, guaranteed. No knee-slappers in the bunch. Groaners, all. But I hope you can give props to someone who has these things in his head, then decides to share them, in the hopes that two people will see them and appreciate.

So, here we go. As I build a collection, maybe I'll try to organize them into categories. Play along. And check back tomorrow. Well, Monday.

Daily Pun Oscurae 2: Trek

Context (n): The novelization of the film Star Trek II.

Daily Pun Obscurae 1: Heroes

Q: Why did Niki Sanders purchase new kitchen countertops?


A: It was formica.

Stickin' It To The Man

My video about Speedy Rewards Bonus Points is here.
Since you all have been asking.

SubPod2: Blends!

Subjunctivitis Podcast Episode Two

The description of Subjunctivitis Podcast in iTunes calls it a "weekly."
Turns out, this is a lie.

In this episode:

• Listener Feedback
• Lousy French
• A list of fun portmanteaux (sp?)
  
• The childrens' book of blends
• Unresolved audio level problems
• Same lousy theme music

UPDATE: I've since listened to Reminissions, by the group Avenged Sevenfold (I misspoke in the post, calling them simply "Sevenfold). They're not half-bad. I still don't know what the song's about, though.

Subjunctivitis: The Podcast The premise of snow, billboards, irony and McDonald's

Well, I've tried it. Not sure if I like it. But here is Episode One of the Subjunctivitis Podcast.

I'll be back in the next few days to spruce this post up, but I wanted to get it out there and make sure it's working. One big thing I need to address is why the file's so dang big. Maybe that's normal. I don't think so, though.

In this episode:

• On Snowflakes and Stale Metaphors
  
• Meet the New Sauce, same as the Old Sauce
• Cracker Barrel Irony
• "Pass It On" billboards
• Premises, Premises
  

And now, another Word Chain for the Holidays (belated)

CHRISTMAS to NEW YEAR'S EVE
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS CAROLS
CAROL BURNETT
MARK BURNETT
MARK TWAIN
NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET
MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS
LOUIS ARMSTRONG
ARMSTRONG SUSPENDED CEILING
GLASS CEILING
BLOWN GLASS
BLOWN SPEAKERS
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
"HOUSE" ON FOX
FOX & THE HOUND
HOUND DOG
SNOOP DOGG
SNOOPY VS. THE RED BARON
RED BARON PIZZA
LITLE CAESARS PIZZA
CAESAREAN SECTION
SECTION EIGHT
EIGHT MEN OUT
TIME OUT
MORRIS DAY & THE TIME
NIGHT & DAY
NIGHT SHADOWS
SHADOWFAX
PHONE/FAX/COPIER
COPY MACHINE GUY
GUY SMILEY
SMILEY FACE
FACE/OFF
THE OFFICE
OFFICE SPACE
SPACE HEATER
PACINO AND DENIRO IN HEAT
NERO FIDDLED
FIDDLER CRAB
CRABBY PATTIES
TWO ALL-BEEF PATTIES
PATTI LABELLE
BELLE OF THE BALL
DISCO BALL
DISCO DUCK
DONALD DUCK
DONALD TRUMP
TRUMPET FANFARE
FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MAN
MAN IN THE MOON
RC COLA & A MOON PIE
THE UNCOLA
UNEMPLOYED
SELF-EMPLOYED
SELF-DESTRUCT
EVE OF DESTRUCTION
NEW YEAR'S EVE

My Podcast Alley feed! {pca-9672e0db80ea4247a8d7e5615a9798bb}

Be Our GuestRock Out Like /

So, the new old thing for me is the Nordic Track. I've been watching movies whilst doing it, trying to take my mind off the searing side pain.

My first was a rewatching of Waiting for Guffman. It's hard enough to keep those ropes going in sync with the skis when you're not laughing... impossible when you're watching the mayor explain that Blaine is the Stool Capital of the World. Eminently scatological.

Tonight, a mere six days later, Christoper Guest enters my regimen again. As Nigel Tufnel, rocking out atop a VW, in a new ad for a buy-a-car-get-a-guitar promo (which I think is really dumb, but anyways). What the...? Apparently, he directed the vdubsrock ads, including the Slash one ("rock out just like Slash... if you're Slash"). I checked Youtube... no one's got it up, yet. Probably by morning.

And, For Your Consideration's coming out next month. That man is freaking everywhere.

!!!

Holy cow.
This does not fit in any way the parameters of this blog, but I just gotta say.
I'm trying to work in one room, while a show called Celebrity Duets plays in the other. I can't take my eyes off it. Right this second, Clint Black and Cheech Marin are singing together, earnest as Sunday. Marie Osmond and Little Richard look on. It's a train wreck of High Cheese... I cannot turn away, and am crying from laughter. This is not Must-See TV (an oxymoron, to be sure), yet I submit it is Need-to-See-at-Least-Once TV.
Thanks.

Three Things

Thing One
Scanning radio stations can result in scary fusions of top-of-the-hour news briefs. Yesterday morning, I got this:
Cathy Guisewhite, creator of the Cathy comic strip...was killed instantly when a barb from a stingray punctured...videos clad in lingerie.

Thing Two
Back to school means back to sharing a very small rest room with no ventilation. As I was completing a download, I contemplated creating a euphemism that roughly meant "Hey, I know it stinks in here. But it was like that when I came in!" Here's what I came up with:
Listen, I'm only adding embellishment to a symphony already written.

Thing Three
A recent parade led by firefighters revealed the following painted on the side of the fire engines:
Through these doors walks Whitehall's finest
Unless that sentence ends with "man" or "guy" or even "dalmatian", we've got an agreement problem.

Vacation Dispatch Two Wannabe Your Lover, Indeed

Drove past a senior center with this on its marquee:

DINNER FOR
HO SPICE

Insert David Beckham joke here.

Vacation Dispatch OneCougar Sighting

During the last few weeks away from the computer, I've amassed literally days of material for this blog, which will be meted out in small posts over the next year or so. Enjoy.

At the national park we recently visited, there was a sign warning us that we were in a cougar habitat, and that at any time one could pop up and eat our dog or child. It told us what to do if this happened ("throw sticks", "spread arms wide to appear bigger"), so it was cool.
That night, I had this dream:

The Dream I Had About The Cougar
by E"B"M

I was walking along the beach last night, and a cougar walked up to me.
"Hey," I said. "Must be a pain having all us tourists messin' up your place like we do."
"Well," he said. "I was born in a small town, so you know it hurts so good."
"Hey..." I said. "You're John Cougar! What are you doing in Empire, Michigan?"
"Same as you, man. Just ate me a couple toddlers, and now it's back to the campground where they grow all the honeydew and watermelons. You know, the Melon Camp."

Quoth the Ravin'

OK, people.
Quotation marks have a number of important uses.

They let you know you're reading exactly what a person said.
"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."
—George Bush

They let you know you're reading the title of a short work.
Ambrose Bierce's "My Favourite Murder" was not made into a Diagnosis Murder episode.

They let you know the writer finds a term wack, skeptical, off-the-mark.
"Stars Are Blind" is the new single from model, "actress" and "singer" Paris Hilton.

And now, a reminder:
Quotation marks do not get used around portions of prepositional phrases. This is just crazy.
Last week, it was GOLD "BY THE" INCH at the fair. Today, from outside Silver Lake State Park, it's

PIZZA
HOT & FRESH
"FROM THE"
OVEN

Pardon my French, but what the crap, people? What is it about quotation marks that freaks us out so? Why do we feel the need to wrap random words in quotes? I've mentioned this before, but I must remind everyone that there are only so many of each character to go around. If we continue to make giant signs that say everything is "half" off (I go in the store, and everything is actually 25% off, and the lady does the air-quotes thing and says ""half" off... so not really! Get it? Hahaha!") and sides of buildings that advertise "TV's" "VCR's" "RADIO'S" "GREAT DEALS" "OPEN DAILY" we are going to run out. Then where will we be? Imagine this hellish scenario:

I was just reading The Purloined Letter, and I thought it was quite good.
You were reading a Purloined Letter? You thief! Give it back!
Whaaa...?
One can't run about purloining things, even if they are a good read. I'm very disappointed!
I mean Poe's The Purloined Letter!
I don't care whose it was, Mr. Random-Article-Adder. Just take it the back!

If folks keep overusing quote marks, we may have to resort to other punctuation:

(*Mr. Heathcliff?}; I said.
A nod was the answer.
#8Mr. Lockwood, your new tenant, sir. I do myself the honour of calling as soon as possible after my arrival, to express the hope that I have not inconvenienced you by my perseverance in soliciting the occupation of Thrushcross Grange: I heard yesterday you had had some thoughts...

//Thrushcross Grange is my own, sir,®§ he interrupted, wincing. ☮ðI should not allow any one to inconvenience me, if I could hinder it - walk in!^^¾ ¿

No one wants this to happen. It's up to all of us to keep the overuse of the quotation to a minumum. Due vigilance, compadres.

"Never Give In. Never, Never, Nev^^¾ ¿
-Winston Churchill

Rock the Vote. With Sugar On Top.

There's a campaign sign around town:

PLEASE ELECT
TODD EDWARDS
COUNTY COMMISSIONER

I don't recall seeing many, if any, campaign posters that use the word "please".
On one hand, it seems polite. Nice. Friendly.
But on the other hand, and this is my dominant hand, it seems pleading. Needy. Sad.

Please.

For the love of God, elect me!

C'mon, please? Pleeeeze? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?

It's the only sign in town that pleads with us. There are many, and most either just say "Elect" or nothing at all.... just the person's name and office. I like this last one. I know the purpose of the signs are to suggest that I "Vote" for or "Elect" someone on Election Day. I doubt there is anyone who would see the yard sign:

TODD EDWARDS
COUNTY COMMISSIONER

and say "Hey, Commissioner Edwards lives there!"

So, don't look so needy, Todd. It's not cool.

*Hey, speaking of voting, the MIPA J-World site has a cute article about a very important election. Let your voice be heard!

True Story

Went to the fair yesterday.
A guy had a booth, where he sold

GOLD

"BY THE"
INCH

I have nothing else to say about this.

Dodgy Logic

I took my eight-year-old and five-year-old to the 3/8 mile paved oval track in the middle of the corn field down the way. We got to wear squishy dayglo earplugs, sit on a bleacher built during the Johnson administration, and eat hot dogs way after bedtime. Very fun.

During intermission, we checked out the "Souvenir Stand". To give you an idea of its appearance, I can tell you my five-year-old daughter's first question was:
"Is this a garage sale"?

It was quite the hodge-podge of merchandise. Some stuff from Oriental Trading Company for the kids (500% markup, natch), some Dale, Jr. wallets, some tin signs for the side of your garage that have the dixie flag and the words REDNECK BOULEVARD.
The one item that's stuck with me is the decal for your truck window that says:

THIS FORD EATS CHEVYS AND S***S OUT DODGES

Now, that's a statement that conjures an image. And it ain't pretty.

But more to the point, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not a science teacher. But we're led to believe that the guy's vehicle practices some magical alchemy that can change a vehicle it consumes into another make of vehicle?
OK, I get it.
Dodge=crap.
But it still doesn't work for me.
Like, I think I'm led to believe that a Chevy is better than a Dodge.
But the Chevy turns into a Dodge when eaten and pooped.
So, in the end, I've got a Ford and a Dodge, and no Chevy.

I don't know what this means. I'm just thinkin' out loud.
Or, maybe, over-thinkin' out loud.

All I know is that it'd be more helpful if I had a car that instead of s******g Dodges, dodges s***.

Dear Dr. Dean: Is There An Aftskin?-Nonplussed in Nantucket

I stood, watching members of the class of 2006 enter the arena to receive their empty folders signifying that as soon as final grades are posted and the fine list is checked, they will officially be High School Graduates.

A colleague, feeling led by the somberness of the affair, said:

"Again with the Pomp and Circumcision."

Hm. Was this simply clever wordplay, or a serious commentary on the event? I was unsure how to respond. I thought of the appropriate response for a couple of seconds, and came up with:

"Yeah."

Which probably was read as something like "Yes, well played, my friend. Very clever!" though I really was just left confused.

Upon reflection, there are better ways I feel I could have responded. For instance, was he saying that the rite of commencement was a cutting away, of sorts, from family? Though it's a bit of a stretch, this reading kind of works for me. I like it. So maybe I stick with the theme and come back with:

"Yeah. They could be playing Prelude To A Bris."

Or maybe I acknowledge the pun, yet come back with what I find a more appropriate feel for the day:

"Yeah. More like Pomp and Circumspection."

Or maybe a withering comment that shows I do not appreciate the sullying of such a staid affair with such sophomoric punnery:

"Yeah, but now please commence zipping your lip."
"You know, you really put the dict in valedictorian."
"Yeah... now please move your tassel from right to shut up."

I am not happy with these. I'm fairly certain Groucho would turn away in disgust. I am open to suggestions.

Cheap Excuse For A Post

And this is.



Please make a note of it.