The First 100 Pages Book Review

I don't get much chance to read. I grab paragraphs while shaving and brushing my teeth, while completing a download. When I'm reading a book I enjoy, I think about the review I might write when I finish. But I often don't finish. When I do, I've forgotten why I really liked it as I was reading it.

So, I'm reading a book and I want to tell you about it. It may have a crappy ending, I don't know. But I'm 100 pages in, and it's swell.

It's called The Big Over Easy, and I think it was pretty much written for me. One of those books I think I'd write if I and my family were willing to give up the public-school-teacher-lifestyle to which we've become accustomed while I quit my job and sit alone with my laptop waiting for inspiration and movie deals to descend.

This book is dang clever. The premise: Detective Investigator Jack Spratt works for the Nursery Crimes Division of the police force. If a crime is committed involving characters from Mother Goose, fables or myth (characters with real lives outside of their stories), he's the guy you call.

It's what I used to call a "potboiler", which I thought was synonymous with "gritty, pulpy" until I found out that potboiler referred to a book an author cranks out to keep the franchise rolling (pot boiling). So it's not a potboiler. It's Hammett-esque.

I'd spell out the plot, but I'm only 100 pages in. I do know that Humpty Dumpty's been killed. He was a womanizing drunk involved in shady financial dealings, and someone bumped him off (the wall).

Why I like this book:

pg. 58, description of how things usually go down in the NCD:
...There's usually a rule of three somewhere. Either quantitative, as in bears, billy goats, blind mice, little pigs, fiddlers, bags of wool or what-have-you, or qualitative, such as small, medium, large, stupid, stupider, stupidest. If you come across any stepmothers, they're usually evil, woodcutters always come into fame and fortune, orphans are ten a penny, and pigs, cats, bears and wolves frequently anthropomorphize.

See? Beautiful.

pg. 76, they meet constable Tibbit, a fellow raised on wordplay. (longer, but worth it)
"...Sergeant Mary Mary, pleased to meet you."
The young officer thought for a moment. "Arrange a...symmetry."
"Pardon?"
He didn't answer for a moment, then said
"Many...martyrs agree."
"Are you OK?"
"Of course! It's an anagram. The trick is to make them make sense. I could have give you 'my matey arrangers' or 'my artery managers' but they sort of sound like anagrams, don't you agree?
...
"Tibbit. It's a palindrome. Easy to remember."
"First name?"
"Otto. Palindrome as well. Sister's name is Hannah. Father liked word games. Fourteen times world Scrabble champion. When he died, we buried him at Queenzieburn to make use of the triple word score. He spent the better part of his life campaigning to have respelt those words that look as though they're spelt wrongly but aren't."
"Such as?"
"Oh, skiing, vacuum, freest, eczema, gnu, diarrhea, that sort of thing. He also thought that 'abbreviation' was too long for its meaning, that 'monosyllabic' should have one syllable, 'dyslexia' should be renamed 'O' and 'unspeakable' should be respelt 'unsfzpxkable.'

Since I started writing this a week ago, I've gotten 50 more pages, so I've added
pg. 148, where our heroes meet suspect Lord Spongg.
"Thank you for seeing us, Lord Spongg-" began Mary, but Spongg interuppted her.
"Just 'Spongg' will do, Sergeant. I don't use my title much, but the first 'g' is short and the second 'g' long. Let it roll around for a bit before you let it go."
"Sponggg?"
"Close enough. Just put the brakes on a little earlier and you'll be fine."

That's all I got. A post of almost-all-copied text, very little insight or critique. It feels cheap, but there it is.
This is the first book in author Jasper Fforde's new series. Before this, he wrote a mystery series called Thursday Next, which I plan to check out.


cc: New York Times Book Review

Emoticon Typo Commits Area Woman To Second Date

I've spoken before on my disdain for emoticons. Here is a wonderful meditation on these nuisances.

Wordplay on Uranus

Why is it Uranus never ceases to amuse?
(I mean it. This is still funny to me.)

Say Anything...

A local one-stop supermarket offers a photo lab, barber shop, tailor, and CPAs in addition to its groceries, TVs, clownfish and Lion Bars.
Walking in today, I noticed a banner for the tailor:

WE ALTER ANYTHING!

I inquired within.

Anything? Truly?

Sure, yes. You bring it in.

Like, how about time and space?

...

Or, what about endings? Because I just saw The Final Cut with Robin Williams and I really liked it, but the end came and I was like huh? I may have been dozing a bit, but it seemed really abrupt, and even though my wife explained what she thought happened, I still was like I don't know, if that's what they wanted me to get out of it, I don't think they set it up well enough, 'cause I missed it. So, can you alter that?

...!

OK, how about altars? I don't know if altars ever need altering, but I just thought that would be funny.

.

[walks to back of store. does not return.]

OK, then. Uh, thanks. I'll just, uh, head out to the rest of the store and get my sashimi.

My encounter left me with more questions than answers. Did the employee not speak English? What happened in the back room that she didn't return? Is she OK? Should I have checked on her, or alerted a manager? And I'm still unclear on what exactly they alter.

Hm. Tomorrow, I'm headed over to the car dealer. Apparently, if I can push, pull or drag anything to him, he's going to give me $2,000. I'm assuming day-old sashimi will qualify.

An Open Letter to Mr. Willy Wonka

March 26, 2006

Mr. Wonka:

I recently purchased your Laffy Taffy_® product and thought you should know that the product packaging did not live up to its usual high standards.

Namely, I found that the jokes made no sense at all. Joke #91, from Nicole P of Kingman, AZ asks:

"What happened to the wind?"

The answer (under flap) given is:

"It blew away."

Now, I'm sorry.

But I think I'm a half-way intelligent person. For example, I have a blog. I spent some time with this punchline, trying to make it work. Maybe, I thought, "away" is wordplay, and it's meant to be heard as two words: "It blew a way." A way where? Home? To the store? I don't know, I need more information. And either way, it's not funny.

My riddle for you is this:

What happened to the wind joke?
It blew.

See what I did there? I took the double-meaning of "blow" and worked it so I made fun of your wrapper.

But, wait.

Is it possible, Mr. Wonka, that the wind joke is actually a very concise Shaggy Dog Story? A joke with no punchline at all, in effect, making it quite funny, in an absurdist vein?

Now that I think on it, Joke #91's a cracker, to be sure. I hadn't expected such a high level of humor from your company, therefore wasn't looking hard enough. I say, well done. Well done, indeed.

Having thought this through, I will withhold comment on Christy M.'s Joke #92 about the cow jumping over the moon, which I found dreadful, but I see now it may just need a good rethinking.

Sincerely,

Eric "Babe" Morse
President, SPASTIC

Donna? Read! Lou? Read!Everybody Read!

A couple years ago, my family moved to The Country. Our first visit to our son's elementary school let us know we weren't in the City no more. At the front entrance, a large cutout of Jeff Gordon waved to us. A word balloon instructed us to "Race Into Reading!" The rest of the school was NASCAR'd as well, with models and stickers and flags and books on racing. The first book order, he came home with a Dale Jr. punch-out book.

As I mentioned recently, March is Reading Month. The structure (can it reach snowclone status?) X Into Reading is ubiquitous, as schools struggle to find new and interesting school-wide themes. Just a quick Googling uncovers schools who:

Dive into Reading
March into Reading
Step into Reading
Dip into Reading (ice cream theme)
Rocket into Reading
Tune into Reading
Race into Reading
Escape into Reading
Get Clued In To Reading (with Inspector Digit!)

It's got to be tough for those Media Specialists who each year have to come up with the cool, motivational theme. Well, folks, never fear. Reading Month 2007 is taken care of. Bookmark this page and check back next year. Feel free to steal any of these ideas. Any attribution to SPASTIC, LLC would be appreciated.

TREK INTO READING
It's Kirk. He's reading Suess' Oh, The Places You'll Go!. The whole month, the hallway is plastered with planets as kids read more and more books. For every 100 books read, the principal gets on the PA and does his Bones impression: "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a librarian!" Every kid that reads a certain number of books gets plastic Spock ears as a prize. Could be fun...
Here's a quick mockup of a hallway poster:



SLIDE INTO READING
Baseball theme? Playground? Nope. How about a tribute to White Castle Sliders? Little square pieces of paper covering the halls with book titles kids have read written on them. The classroom with the most books read gets a field trip to the nearest Castle, as well as a visit from the Indian in Harold and Kumar (I don't remember if he played Harold or Kumar). If school meets goal, the principal gets "steamed" in all-school assembly. Bonus if you can work in very small amounts of diced onion.

TAP INTO READING
This, of course, would be a month-long Tribute to the '80s heavy metal supergroup Spïnal Tap. Many books on Druids would be made available, as well as Ten Little Indians: Special Edition (the one that goes to eleven) and the Illustrated Book of Saints, which includes the oft-neglected Saint Hubbins. The month could culminate in a staged retelling of the Billy Goats Gruff, with a giant inflatable goat's head that, unfortunately, stands a good chance of deflating and suffocating a few children.


SCHLEP INTO READING
Matisyahu beat boxes softly over the PA every morning as students enjoy 20 minutes of Sustained Meditative Reading. Motivational Reading Month posters could include such icons of the Jewish faith as Madonna and Ashton Kutcher. For the goyim in the house, Fiddler on the Roof and Laverne and Shirley would be playing on a loop in the cafetorium. As students complete books, Estelle Costanza and Helen Seinfeld tell the kids they could just plotz, they're so proud, but isn't Arthur a little easy for you? Why not more of a challenge? What's wrong with a Nancy Drew once in awhile?

Don't Speak. Me Know What You're Thinking.

Just tea for two
And two for tea
Just me for you
And you for I...

So, I hate to disclose the fact that I'm exercising.
But I am.
Well, I am trying.

I'm Gazelle-ing. The Gazelle^TM is sort of like a flying NordicTrack^TM. You sort of feel like Fred and Barney as they take off in their car, feet spinning wildly until finally they gain traction and speed off. Except with the Gazelle^TM, you're just always flailing about in space.

Anyhow, the guy that makes the Gazelle^TM is Tony Little, and he yells at me on his "butt-kickin' workout" that I Can Do It and that if I Believe, I Will Acheive. He's kind of crazy, but he's actually quite likeable. I'm kind of getting into the Gazelle^TM scene, though I really don't feel like I'm working as hard as when I do things where I'm touching the ground. But I think that may be the Point.

So, I'm in the groove, Zero G Flailing. And every seven minutes or so, Tony says:

"In the privacy of your own home, just you and I"

I do a little convulsive twitch that throws my rhythm all off. One leg hitches up, the machine tilts crazily, and I am nearly tangled in the Aircraft Grade Cabling.

Tomorrow, I'm going to watch Tony with the volume off. I'll play my own soundtrack: a thumping groove with some William Safire samples thrown in. It's my New York Techno.

My Green For The Day(it's not what you'd think)

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

-Kermit The Frog

--------------------------------------------

Dr. Suess had a birthday. Not coincidentally, it is Reading Month... four short weeks for lesser-known children's book writers to cash in on the lucrative Elementary School Meet & Greet market.

What do you mean, we can't get Rowling? How about the 3rd Rock From the Sun guy? Crap. Jenny, didn't your brother write a kids' book? It was a cereal jingle? Close enough! Get him on the phone! We need Authors! Now! No, April's too late! MARCH is Reading Month! In MARCH, we read!


So it is that I've been reflecting on Suess. I always think of him as this funny, smart guy who knew how to get down on the floor and look a kid in the eye and just play with him. But he also knew how to make a kid think... with a little help from a parent, he opened the door to discussions about anti-semitism, racism, and the environment.

In thinking of Ted, I also think of another childhood hero, Jim Henson. Here's another guy who knew how to talk to kids, and slip in something More without preaching. Following is a poor excuse for Poetry, but it's my small attempt to process what I've been feeling since I saw a Super Bowl commercial with Kermit.

Untitled
In a time not long ago
Things were different from today
We needed stories of Sneetches and Whos
To help show people the way.

These simple stories showed those who would hear
How silly it was to be uncertain and fear
The things that make Peter different from Paul
And that a person's a person no matter how small.

Alongside these stories that taught
What kindness can mean
Came a similar character
Though smaller, and green.

Kermit the Frog was his name
And like Horton and others
He simply taught of injustice,
And respect for your Sisters and Brothers.

Kermit turned 50 last year,
For that long Mr. the Frog's been adored.
To celebrate this milestone
He made a commercial for Ford

It must have somehow seemed right to
Use It's Not Easy Being Green,
A song about intolerance,
To pitch an SUV.

Sure, the car that he's endorsing
Is all tree-huggy-hippie, but there's doubt:
Would Kermit's dad (Jim)
Have allowed him to sell out?

This rhyme, it goes on
(I'm long past laconic)
My point, I guess, it this:
Isn't it ironic?

I'm just sad, I suppose
To see Henson^TM get caught
Sucking up to Big Bucks
For, I fear, they've truly lost the plot.

Maligner Notes

I learned a new word today. Well, new usage for a word. And it's not a hard one. And I hope you don't think me naive for not having known this. But I feel better now that this gap in my vocabulary has been spackled.

Regarding the (newly-dead) Slobodan Milosevic, Condi Rice said this weekend that he was

"one of the most malign forces in Europe in quite a long time."

Huh.
I've never thought of malign as an adjective. "Malignant", yes. But there it is in the dictionary. Harmful, evil, mean. Yup.

Huh.

Flat-out Wrong?

Recently, my local paper ran this headline:

Online course to help kids think global

My first thought is, surely they mean globally. Adverbs, hello?

But then the doubts come.

Am I being a Neanderthal Prescriptivist Looney, taking issue with this?
Perhaps there's no problem, the doubting voice calls. Isn't this the same as "Think Different", where we were told that there was a thing that existed called the "Flat Adverb", and maybe people have started clipping the -ly from "globally", and that's perfectly OK?

Google finds lots of “Think Global”s, but I want to believe that many of these fall into structures like “…those that think global warming is a bunch of hype…”

But there’s a good amount of adverb-flatteners out there. Thinkglobal2005.org sought to "explore the impact of globalization on your way of life..." ThinkGlobal magazine covers international trade topics. Also, metroblogging.com tells me to "Think Global. Blog Local". It seems that Think Global, Act Local is a pretty big slogan out there; it shows up a lot.* I don’t know if anyone in particular owns it.

But here’s the thing.

I’m much more inclined when I’m resting.

Hang on, that last sentence got away from me.

I’m much more inclined to be OK with a tagline that uses a Flat Adverb. Think “Local”. Think “Power”. Think “Pink”. But saying “X Thinks Global” in a newspaper headline is saying this is how we talk. And I don’t think we do, yet.

Do we?

*Globecitizen.com tells me that "This is some of my observations and analysis of the Global Village I live in..." I find this helps my case.

PS: I’m finding I like Jason Mraz. But, can I buy a vowel for that last name? It’s like those fantasy names I never know how to pronounce, like “Fendthrrjl”.

Ah? So.

I just gave a design test, where students had to create an ad for a refreshing beverage. I gave them the image (lime splashing in cool, clear water) and the headline:

Aaaaaaaaaah!

As they are turning in the finished project, and I'm seeing the headline in 150 point type, I realize that there is a difference between

Aaaaaaaaah!

and

Ahhhhhhhhh!

One is contented. The other is running away in terror. I've made a note of it.

Memos Def

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage
First, someone has accidentally been printing papers that have
DIES TEVEDIE
written in 72 pt. Garamond to my Laserjet (is this Latin? Yiddish?). If this your document, I have a stack of them for you to pick up. Also (and it pains me to say this), I'm afraid I found an AP Stylebook stuck in my shredder this morning. It must have accidentally been dropped there by the night custodian. If you are missing yours, I will gladly buy you a new one. And I am sorry for your loss.

Now.

Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback on my recent series of memos regarding usage. Even though you don't say it to me in person, I can tell that they've gotten eveyone's blood pumping. In that vein (tee-hee!), I've come across another trend.

Please remember:
Even if I spend time both in New York and London, it does not make me a transponder.
A Transponder is also not a sportscar.

Oh, and related: please, please refrain from calling Trans Ams "trannies". No one says this. And it gets us on some very strange mailing lists.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

Nothin' But A G* Thang

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage

We are supposed to be the people folks look to for nuggets of languagey goodness. We need to be examples to the teeming masses yearning to speak well. But lately, we've been really steppin' in it.

To wit:
You will not find dipthong in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

*(string)

A memo, random

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage

Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being used incorrectly. Here's the thing: it's fun to pepper our speech with fun words. Just double-check if unsure of its use. If we all work together on this, we can begin to create a new usage paradigm.

To wit:
Teutonic is not a drink.
It also does not mean hair gel abuse.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

A Clarification

Memo
To: SPASTIC employees
From: Human Resources

Re: Usage

Recently, it has been brought to the attention of The SPASTIC Usage Dept. that certain words and phrases are being bandied about with reckless, um, ambandon (note to self: check root of "bandy" and "abandon". Connection?).

Just because the word sounds right, there's a chance you're a bit off.

To wit:
Canonical does not concern things related to cannons.
It also does not mean having to do with cameras.

I hope this helps.

-Steve

Should I Expect More From A Place That Can't Figure Out How To Make A Round Hamburger Patty?

To Do Is To Be.
-Neitszche
To Be Is To Do
-Kant
Do Be Do Be Do
-Sinatra

Just Do It.
-Nike adman

Daddy didn't do her.
-Some doctor on House.

Duuude...
Sean Penn, before he lost his sense of humor

Do.
It connotes action and forward movement. As a verb meaning "engage in", the word is usually followed by a noun or pronoun object, telling us what it is, exactly, that is about to be done.
As in:

1: Well, I'm off to do my taxes at the place where the lady dresses up like Uncle Sam and stands out by the street in the cold wearing a sandwich board and smoking!

2: Can you do this for me? The problem with sticky traps is that when mice get caught, they are inconveniently alive, and still must be murdered!

3: I've told you before, oh, you can't do that.

Wendy's has recently been flipping how we do "do". They've taken a page from Burger King's Packaging Playbook and put writing all over the stuff holding their food.
My recent Diet Dew did this Do:

DO fresh long after most places have put fresh to bed.

It goes on from there about how nice it is that they're open late with tasty fare.
At the bottom of the paragraph is their tagline:
DO WHAT TASTES RIGHT™

Text continues on other containers, as well.
On my chili, I'm told to:
DO slow-simmered.

So, it's "Do Adjective". Except when it's not.
Their website tells me to
DO a real hamburger.

Not an adjective, but still doesn't line up with our understanding of what do does. This, in fact, is more the usage of "do" in "do her", which, IMHO and ITOODAW*, I would consider slang. And, this makes the image of one doing a hamburger more American Pie than Wendy's may wish.

Of course, picking on advertisers for using slang is like picking on Jessica Simpson for being an airhead.**

But, still. If we don't make a stand, and say Hey! What are you up to, here, Buddy? aren't we saying to our kids that you can Do This when This = Any Old Word You Dang Well Please? Well, put me on the record as having Spoken. FWIW.

This is reminiscent of the dust-up over Apple computer's "Think Different" campaign, where folks were upset over their apparent ignoring of adverbian codes. They claimed they were doing differently, using "different" as a state of mind. Like, Think Pink. Or, Think Spring. According to spinsters,*** it's actually "Think [thoughts that are] Different." Whether or not you saw it as another example of style as an excuse to confuse gradeschoolers and ESL students, the hubbub on that one died pretty quick.

And the hubbub on this one? It's pretty much just me. And, actually, I'm already tired of talking about it.

*In The Opinion Of Dictionaries As Well
**there's no point, and you just end up looking like a prude.
***this, not this.

For Your Consideration...

This observation from guest columnist ACoolKid:

Spotted on a file cabinet near the Reinsurance department:

"Please be considerate of those around you when
using these cabinets for the noise level."
-Thank You

I had never considered using cabinets for the noise level.
But once you get started, the possibilities are endless!

I'm thinking about going all STOMP! on 'em. I think
they'd appreciate my consideration.

MORE DISTRACTING!

Maybe I'm just way off, here. In the past, I've talked about how nonparallel structure in ad fragments annoys me ((I wanted these little tagline snippets to be called frag tags. It didn't catch on). This is probably a petty peeve. It's not even breaking any real rule, as far as I know. It just sounds bad to me.

Ads for The Amazing Race shout this at me:

MORE EXOTIC!
MORE ADVENTURE!
MORE AMAZING!

Does this bug anyone?

Exotic, amazing, adjectives. Adventure, noun.
When I hear the hardcore voice-over guy trying to get my adrenaline pumping, my brain stops to think more adventure? Don't they mean adventurous? and I don't think they want me stopping to think.

It's probably just me.

Wendy's is doing it, too. It was bugging me yesterday as I read my cup, but now I can't remember what it said. I'll have to score a Diet Dew tomorrow and update the post with their vexing verbiage.

Pining for the Ford

Lisa Loeb told me that I say she only hears what she wants to.
Well, Lisa, to my ownself I must be true.

Because I'm in classic only-hear-what-I-want-to mode.

"What we essentially have here is an old-fashioned, not always convincing B picture with A-list stars."
"A passable distraction. Nothing more."
"As we watch Ford reprise his trademark mannerisms, we no longer enjoy the ring of familiarity. We just hear the tolling of a bell -- Ford's."
"Harrison Ford needs a better agent."

But, wait. There it is:

"It kept me alert, terrified and royally entertained."
-Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER

Yes! Royally entertained! A-list stars! Passable distraction!
I am so there.

Down Wit Wit

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker's birthday Jan. 22 gave me reason to reflect again on what many see as a profound loss of intelligence and wit in our popular culture. We could try to dissect this thesis, argue as to its causes, or nominate worthy heirs to the modern Throne of Wit (can I get a Steve Martin? A Woody Allen?), but I don't have any real opinion... I just know that when I hear people from Days Gone By talk, they sound more intelligent, more fun to hang with.

We are definitely living in a different age. Video games get much of the blame for the dulling of our edges, and I tend to hang with this idea. I can think of many a time when I could have:

a) read a book
b) written in my journal
c) played Snood on Evil setting for the four millionth time

and chosen, you guessed it:

d) downloaded the latest Ask A Ninja podcast.

Where are the Twains (To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology.), the Grouchos (I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.), the Menckens (After all, all [Shakespeare] did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.)?

To encapsulate a person's lifetime of thinking into a pithy quote is overly simplistic, yes. But that the thinkers of the Algonquin Round Table and others of generations past can generate so many quotable quotes has to be worth something. Who do we look to for insight? In 50 years will we be looking back at our era and quoting the Sandlers (You eat pieces of s*** for breakfast?), the Pitts (Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed), the Cruises (I want a world without war, a world without insanity. I want to see people do well)?

I realize looking to pop culture stars for wisdom isn't quite a fair comparison... if wisdom-seekers from the future only took lines from Golden Age actors, the fare may not be much better. But a quick look at Bette Davis (Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.) and Humphrey Bogart (Things are never so bad they can't be made worse.) show a couple folks who thought before they spoke.

Sigh.

Maybe I just don't pay attention to current talkers. I'm sure what I long for is still out there. William Safire (Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.) has got some stuff to say. So does Anna Quindlen (I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.). Will it hold up 50 years from now?

I'm sure future generations will look to the collected wisdom of many contemporary authors. But we need only return to Ms. Parker to be reminded of what a deft wit truly sounds like:

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things.