And this is.
Please make a note of it.
5.23.2006
5.15.2006
Depp Impact
I just watched The Secret Window last night. Actually, I slept through the middle 30 minutes, but I got the gist. I know, it's, like, two years old, but our Netflix queue has 190 movies in it and it just came up.
Anyhow, remember my reminiscence re: "I love you/Me too"?
In the movie, Johnny Depp's housekeeper says something like:
"You're a good man, Mr. Rainey."
And he replies:
"You, too, Mrs. Garvey."
That's all.
Anyhow, remember my reminiscence re: "I love you/Me too"?
In the movie, Johnny Depp's housekeeper says something like:
"You're a good man, Mr. Rainey."
And he replies:
"You, too, Mrs. Garvey."
That's all.
5.14.2006
Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink
I've got a school email account I rarely check. I only ever get spam. This was my inbox when I went in for my quarterly email dump:
I don't know Penny Lewis, but I really appreciate the sentiment.
Eupemisms can indeed be cumbersome.
Like "Talk to a man about a horse." What a mouthful. Just say you gotta pee.
On the other hand, euphemisms can be enjoyable. It is more fun to talk about Sam Hill than Hell. And I do appreciate the people who choose to yell "Judas Priest!" instead of invoking the name of Jesus. Unless they're invoking Rob Halford. Which I guess is possible.
There's the line from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where George asks:
"Martha, will you show her where we keep the... uh... euphemism?"
Good stuff, that.
Hey, it just occured to me. The hippos George & Martha, are they so named because of Edward Albee's play? Probably. Huh.
Good stuff, that.
So, Penny. I never did read your email. I just assumed that "euphemism cumbersome" was your way of saying that you had a line on some cut-rate penis-enlargement, and opted out.
And now that I think on it, that's actually a pretty apropos random phrase for spam-filter-evading software to pick for a title.
Good stuff indeed.
I don't know Penny Lewis, but I really appreciate the sentiment.
Eupemisms can indeed be cumbersome.
Like "Talk to a man about a horse." What a mouthful. Just say you gotta pee.
On the other hand, euphemisms can be enjoyable. It is more fun to talk about Sam Hill than Hell. And I do appreciate the people who choose to yell "Judas Priest!" instead of invoking the name of Jesus. Unless they're invoking Rob Halford. Which I guess is possible.
There's the line from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where George asks:
"Martha, will you show her where we keep the... uh... euphemism?"
Good stuff, that.
Hey, it just occured to me. The hippos George & Martha, are they so named because of Edward Albee's play? Probably. Huh.
Good stuff, that.
So, Penny. I never did read your email. I just assumed that "euphemism cumbersome" was your way of saying that you had a line on some cut-rate penis-enlargement, and opted out.
And now that I think on it, that's actually a pretty apropos random phrase for spam-filter-evading software to pick for a title.
Good stuff indeed.
5.10.2006
Getcher Motor Runnin'
Local public radio told me today that "most crashes occur on two-lane roads, not highways."
Maybe I don't know what a highway is. In my mind, a highway is a two-lane road.
This is actually something that I've historically gotten confused. As I look up definitions, I find that there's not a ton of consensus, and some of the definitions depend on where you're from.
I've always gone with:
Freeway: uses on- and off-ramps. So the traffic flow is, like, free.
Expressway: same as a freeway, but bigger, and, maybe faster.
Highway: can be multiple lanes, can be limited-access, but can also be two-lane country roads. Two-lane country road is usually what I think of when I hear "highway". As in: "I grew up in a small town with a blinker light off Highway 46."
Parkway: no idea what this is.
As I did a little (very little) research, I found that many stories stating the "most crashes on two-lane roads" fact specify undivided two-lane roads, like the ones I'm thinking of. I guess the story I heard needed to specify this.
Maybe "highway" is too generic. How about a new word? Maybe just call the divided highways "high ways". You know, divided.
No, that's stupid. "Divideways"? Gack.
Never mind.
Maybe I don't know what a highway is. In my mind, a highway is a two-lane road.
This is actually something that I've historically gotten confused. As I look up definitions, I find that there's not a ton of consensus, and some of the definitions depend on where you're from.
I've always gone with:
Freeway: uses on- and off-ramps. So the traffic flow is, like, free.
Expressway: same as a freeway, but bigger, and, maybe faster.
Highway: can be multiple lanes, can be limited-access, but can also be two-lane country roads. Two-lane country road is usually what I think of when I hear "highway". As in: "I grew up in a small town with a blinker light off Highway 46."
Parkway: no idea what this is.
As I did a little (very little) research, I found that many stories stating the "most crashes on two-lane roads" fact specify undivided two-lane roads, like the ones I'm thinking of. I guess the story I heard needed to specify this.
Maybe "highway" is too generic. How about a new word? Maybe just call the divided highways "high ways". You know, divided.
No, that's stupid. "Divideways"? Gack.
Never mind.
5.08.2006
I &hearts I
Jack Bauer saves the world.
Well, not yet. But he's close. There's still a crazy Russian out there.
Any-hoo. After many near-deaths, he comes in to the hospital room of his gal, and she says:
"I missed you."
He says:
"Me, too."
She says:
"You missed you, too?"
Not, really.
That last part I made up.
Now, I know this is a common thing.
I love you. Me, too.
I've always thought it weird, though.
You, too?
Well, not yet. But he's close. There's still a crazy Russian out there.
Any-hoo. After many near-deaths, he comes in to the hospital room of his gal, and she says:
"I missed you."
He says:
"Me, too."
She says:
"You missed you, too?"
Not, really.
That last part I made up.
Now, I know this is a common thing.
I love you. Me, too.
I've always thought it weird, though.
You, too?
5.01.2006
Thing One and Thing Two
Thing the First
Arby's still doesn't list its new gyro on their site, so I continue to get 100+ people a day visiting. Also, this weekend I passed the Battle Creek Arby's marquee which reads:
TRY OUR MF GYRO
So, it must be a thing. Just not a very smart thing, IMHO.
Thing The Second
Jan Freeman's column this week includes a poll, to see how much of a prescriptivist you really are. She points out that my boy Ambrose threw down with some Rules back in the day, some of which now seem quite dated and laughable.
To which I say "Yeah, so?"
Go check it out and vote for yourself.
I'll even openly admit that I went with "oblique" on this one, and on further research, rather regret it.
Arby's still doesn't list its new gyro on their site, so I continue to get 100+ people a day visiting. Also, this weekend I passed the Battle Creek Arby's marquee which reads:
TRY OUR MF GYRO
So, it must be a thing. Just not a very smart thing, IMHO.
Thing The Second
Jan Freeman's column this week includes a poll, to see how much of a prescriptivist you really are. She points out that my boy Ambrose threw down with some Rules back in the day, some of which now seem quite dated and laughable.
To which I say "Yeah, so?"
Go check it out and vote for yourself.
I'll even openly admit that I went with "oblique" on this one, and on further research, rather regret it.
| 9. ''On the photocopied sheet she gives students, Ms. Yamamoto includes guidelines that are _____ at first: 'Destroy many paintings,' ''Meditation is through Sumi-e, therefore long conversation is not allowed in class.'''
| |
| C. obscure | |
 | 64.0% |
| A. obtuse | |
 | 24.0% |
| B. oblique | |
| | 12.0% |
| Total votes: 25 | |
4.27.2006
4.25.2006
Make Money Writing Kids' Books!
First, if you're here about Gyros, click here. It's not what you're looking for, but you might laugh.
I've decided that the crowded kids-book market isn't that hard to crack, after all.
You just need a great idea, right?
All those out-of-work writers just aren't creative enough.
Because every kids' book I look at in the store is a revelation, rarely a recycling-of-tired-themes in the bunch.
So.
Not only do I have a great idea for a kids' book.
I have TWO great ideas.
And I'm sharing them with you.
For free.
You're welcome.
Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #1
Characters That Grow Old
I know. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? But it rarely happens. Yes, Harry Potter's aging, but I'm talking kids' books, here. Like Clifford. Not only is he no older than he was 40 (280) years ago, he's getting younger. Will Arthur ever make it to fourth grade? No. He won't.
Ostensibly, this is because we want Arthur et al to appeal to the next generation of third-graders. They become timeless.
I submit, though, that there is a market out there for characters we can grow up with. If Arthur's Glasses can help assuage fears of kids getting new specs, couldn't Arthur Finds Hair In Strange Places help them deal with those gawky tween years?
Answer: Yes, it could.
Now, I just have to come up with my own character. I'm thinking of starting out with a board book series featuring an anthropomorphized Howler Monkey named Charlie Howler. Some titles:
Howler's Friends
Howler at the Zoo
Howler Goes Zoom
In a few years, I release
Howler Rides a Bike
Howler and the Dentist
Howler and the Emergency Appendectomy
Titles to look for down the road include
Charlie Howler's SAT Study Guide
Charlie Howler at Sweet Valley University (see crossovers)
Mr. Howler and the Audit
Turkish Prison Blues (an Inspector Howler Mystery)
How Charlie Got His Groove Back
Howler's Colonoscopy
The Five People Charlie Meets In Heaven
Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #2
Crossovers
Coming soon.
I've decided that the crowded kids-book market isn't that hard to crack, after all.
You just need a great idea, right?
All those out-of-work writers just aren't creative enough.
Because every kids' book I look at in the store is a revelation, rarely a recycling-of-tired-themes in the bunch.
So.
Not only do I have a great idea for a kids' book.
I have TWO great ideas.
And I'm sharing them with you.
For free.
You're welcome.
Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #1
Characters That Grow Old
I know. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? But it rarely happens. Yes, Harry Potter's aging, but I'm talking kids' books, here. Like Clifford. Not only is he no older than he was 40 (280) years ago, he's getting younger. Will Arthur ever make it to fourth grade? No. He won't.
Ostensibly, this is because we want Arthur et al to appeal to the next generation of third-graders. They become timeless.
I submit, though, that there is a market out there for characters we can grow up with. If Arthur's Glasses can help assuage fears of kids getting new specs, couldn't Arthur Finds Hair In Strange Places help them deal with those gawky tween years?
Answer: Yes, it could.
Now, I just have to come up with my own character. I'm thinking of starting out with a board book series featuring an anthropomorphized Howler Monkey named Charlie Howler. Some titles:
Howler's Friends
Howler at the Zoo
Howler Goes Zoom
In a few years, I release
Howler Rides a Bike
Howler and the Dentist
Howler and the Emergency Appendectomy
Titles to look for down the road include
Charlie Howler's SAT Study Guide
Charlie Howler at Sweet Valley University (see crossovers)
Mr. Howler and the Audit
Turkish Prison Blues (an Inspector Howler Mystery)
How Charlie Got His Groove Back
Howler's Colonoscopy
The Five People Charlie Meets In Heaven
Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #2
Crossovers
Coming soon.
4.24.2006
Nu Mu Words (and Nu Mu Promises)
First, if you're here about Gyros, click here. It's not what you're looking for, but you might laugh.
The day after my post about NuUnion's goofy name, a friend asked me if I'd caught a new Washington Mutual television ad. I'd never heard of them, but they have a few banks around the state, probably the result of a merger or acquisition.
Any-hoo.
They refer to themselves as "WaMu." Pronounced, Wah-Moo. Their tagline: "The WaMu Way."
It's kind of fun, and interesting that a bank would take on such a moniker. They're trying for the hipper, younger, fun-loving-er customer, I'd say.
They have an education rewards credit card called "WaMoolah."
Cute.
Now, they just need to merge with NuUnion and become:
WaMuNu.
or, NuWaMu?
The day after my post about NuUnion's goofy name, a friend asked me if I'd caught a new Washington Mutual television ad. I'd never heard of them, but they have a few banks around the state, probably the result of a merger or acquisition.
Any-hoo.
They refer to themselves as "WaMu." Pronounced, Wah-Moo. Their tagline: "The WaMu Way."
It's kind of fun, and interesting that a bank would take on such a moniker. They're trying for the hipper, younger, fun-loving-er customer, I'd say.
They have an education rewards credit card called "WaMoolah."
Cute.
Now, they just need to merge with NuUnion and become:
WaMuNu.
or, NuWaMu?
4.22.2006
Nu (No, it's Ni! Ni!)
There's a new bank in town.
You ready for its name?
Drumroll.
NuUnion
OK, so it's a "Nu" Credit "Union". I get it.
But why "Nu"? Hipness? Probably, yes. Why else?
But is it a good idea to grab onto what I can only assume will be a short-lived trend?
Doesn't this strike anyone as, in five years, being so 2005?
They're not the only nu's out there. You've got:
Nu-Global (technology)
Nu Metro (South African theatre chain)
Nu Urban Music (urban music)
and more, I'm sure. But, a bank? Come on.
Granted, as a Greek letter, Nu's been around for awhile. And perhaps their nu moniker will attract some students from the local university. Whether they'll be opening an account or attempting to pledge Nu is yet to be seen.
Describing the move, their press release explains:
When the organization adopted the State Employees Credit Union name 53 years ago, it accurately described its membership. But today, less than 20% of its members are state employees. The organization chose the name NuUnion Credit Union to reflect the new kind of credit union its [sic] building for its membership -- one that combines more products and services families need with a long tradition of commitment to members, community, and service. The organization hasn't been bought, acquired in a merger, or lost its independence in any way.
It chose the name NuUnion to reflect their new kind of credit union. What, the pay-some-22-year-old-consultant-a-few-grand-to-come-back-with-"nu"-
as-a-makeover-concept? I see the pitch meeting just like all the meetings in Fox's The Loop, where the kid gets drunk the night before and comes up with his Grand Idea the second before it comes out of his mouth:
President [on speakerphone with ad agency]: OK, kid, whatcha got?
Joey [who has spent the first part of the meeting eating Bunny Basket Eggs, and has to respond with his mouth full]: Nuu?
President: New? Are you kidding me? How much're we paying this guy? My four-year-old could write this crap! Come on!
Joey [scrambling]: Uh, no. Sir! It's, uh, Nu! N-U. Like the Greek letter! As in, history! And Nu is very now, as well. Everybody's doing it. Nu this, nu that... it's fresh, trust me! So it's old... and new! Just like your bank!
President [after dramatic pause]: Crap, kid, you've done it! NU! Of course! It's brilliant!
A thought: NuUnion's website should use the NU domain. I checked: nuunion.nu is still available.
You ready for its name?
Drumroll.
NuUnion
OK, so it's a "Nu" Credit "Union". I get it.
But why "Nu"? Hipness? Probably, yes. Why else?
But is it a good idea to grab onto what I can only assume will be a short-lived trend?
Doesn't this strike anyone as, in five years, being so 2005?
They're not the only nu's out there. You've got:
Nu-Global (technology)
Nu Metro (South African theatre chain)
Nu Urban Music (urban music)
and more, I'm sure. But, a bank? Come on.
Granted, as a Greek letter, Nu's been around for awhile. And perhaps their nu moniker will attract some students from the local university. Whether they'll be opening an account or attempting to pledge Nu is yet to be seen.
Describing the move, their press release explains:
When the organization adopted the State Employees Credit Union name 53 years ago, it accurately described its membership. But today, less than 20% of its members are state employees. The organization chose the name NuUnion Credit Union to reflect the new kind of credit union its [sic] building for its membership -- one that combines more products and services families need with a long tradition of commitment to members, community, and service. The organization hasn't been bought, acquired in a merger, or lost its independence in any way.
It chose the name NuUnion to reflect their new kind of credit union. What, the pay-some-22-year-old-consultant-a-few-grand-to-come-back-with-"nu"-
as-a-makeover-concept? I see the pitch meeting just like all the meetings in Fox's The Loop, where the kid gets drunk the night before and comes up with his Grand Idea the second before it comes out of his mouth:
President [on speakerphone with ad agency]: OK, kid, whatcha got?
Joey [who has spent the first part of the meeting eating Bunny Basket Eggs, and has to respond with his mouth full]: Nuu?
President: New? Are you kidding me? How much're we paying this guy? My four-year-old could write this crap! Come on!
Joey [scrambling]: Uh, no. Sir! It's, uh, Nu! N-U. Like the Greek letter! As in, history! And Nu is very now, as well. Everybody's doing it. Nu this, nu that... it's fresh, trust me! So it's old... and new! Just like your bank!
President [after dramatic pause]: Crap, kid, you've done it! NU! Of course! It's brilliant!
A thought: NuUnion's website should use the NU domain. I checked: nuunion.nu is still available.
4.20.2006
Year? Oh...
My hits have nearly doubled in the last two days.
Word must be out! SPASTIC is the place for quality word-nerd action!
Nope.
They're clicking on me because I'm the #2 hit in Google when you search "Arby's Gyro". Search "arby's gyro sandwich" (as some do) and I'm #1.
Since the Arby's site has no info at all on their new offering (probably a Michigan test market thing), my post on their effing signage gets top billing. Maybe someone searching for gyro info will stick around and read my March Is Reading Month post, of which I was quite proud.
Or not.
Word must be out! SPASTIC is the place for quality word-nerd action!
Nope.
They're clicking on me because I'm the #2 hit in Google when you search "Arby's Gyro". Search "arby's gyro sandwich" (as some do) and I'm #1.
Since the Arby's site has no info at all on their new offering (probably a Michigan test market thing), my post on their effing signage gets top billing. Maybe someone searching for gyro info will stick around and read my March Is Reading Month post, of which I was quite proud.
Or not.
4.18.2006
Bunny Basket Egg Cinquain
Just polished off a bag of 1/2-off Easter candy.
The final piece was my favorite flavor.
Karmic bliss, spurring me on to a quick poem.
Sugar
Pure, Refined
Bite, Revel, Adore
Last one; it's white
Sweet!
The final piece was my favorite flavor.
Karmic bliss, spurring me on to a quick poem.
Sugar
Pure, Refined
Bite, Revel, Adore
Last one; it's white
Sweet!
4.17.2006
Putting the FU in SNAFU
My problems decrypting* abbreviations have been documented. But here's one I found to be a stumper. My wife and I pulled into Arby's yesterday to see this on the marquee:
TRY OUR MF GYRO
Says I: "What do you think the MF stands for?"
While the obvious, yet slightly inappropriate, answer to the question loomed in our minds, we scoured the building for clues. A full-color banner proclaimed "New Roast Beef Gyro!" No, that would be an "RB GYRO".
We tried talking it out:
Hmmm,
Most Fabulous?
Magically, um, Flavored?
(trying to sneak up on it) Mmm...marble...uh...fff... uh, fff.. forget it. It makes no sense.
I decided that MF(in') Gyro! was actually not a bad name for a sandwich.
Today, I googled "MF Gyro" and got diddly. The Arby's site doesn't mention it. But, I think I figured it out. They've got a line of sandwiches called "Market Fresh". That must be it.
Note to Arby's: Your Market Fresh line isn't well-known enough to initialize. And if it ever does become well-known, I don't know if "MF Sandwiches" has the ring you're looking for.
If Arbys' corporate is reading this, you should call the Arby's in Coopersville and ask them to change their MF sign.
*de·crypt tr.v. de·crypt·ed, de·crypt·ing, de·crypts
1. To decipher.
2. To dig up (see mummy,).
4.11.2006
The First 100 Pages Book Review
I don't get much chance to read. I grab paragraphs while shaving and brushing my teeth, while completing a download. When I'm reading a book I enjoy, I think about the review I might write when I finish. But I often don't finish. When I do, I've forgotten why I really liked it as I was reading it.
So, I'm reading a book and I want to tell you about it. It may have a crappy ending, I don't know. But I'm 100 pages in, and it's swell.
It's called The Big Over Easy, and I think it was pretty much written for me. One of those books I think I'd write if I and my family were willing to give up the public-school-teacher-lifestyle to which we've become accustomed while I quit my job and sit alone with my laptop waiting for inspiration and movie deals to descend.
This book is dang clever. The premise: Detective Investigator Jack Spratt works for the Nursery Crimes Division of the police force. If a crime is committed involving characters from Mother Goose, fables or myth (characters with real lives outside of their stories), he's the guy you call.
It's what I used to call a "potboiler", which I thought was synonymous with "gritty, pulpy" until I found out that potboiler referred to a book an author cranks out to keep the franchise rolling (pot boiling). So it's not a potboiler. It's Hammett-esque.
I'd spell out the plot, but I'm only 100 pages in. I do know that Humpty Dumpty's been killed. He was a womanizing drunk involved in shady financial dealings, and someone bumped him off (the wall).
Why I like this book:
pg. 58, description of how things usually go down in the NCD:
...There's usually a rule of three somewhere. Either quantitative, as in bears, billy goats, blind mice, little pigs, fiddlers, bags of wool or what-have-you, or qualitative, such as small, medium, large, stupid, stupider, stupidest. If you come across any stepmothers, they're usually evil, woodcutters always come into fame and fortune, orphans are ten a penny, and pigs, cats, bears and wolves frequently anthropomorphize.
See? Beautiful.
pg. 76, they meet constable Tibbit, a fellow raised on wordplay. (longer, but worth it)
"...Sergeant Mary Mary, pleased to meet you."
The young officer thought for a moment. "Arrange a...symmetry."
"Pardon?"
He didn't answer for a moment, then said
"Many...martyrs agree."
"Are you OK?"
"Of course! It's an anagram. The trick is to make them make sense. I could have give you 'my matey arrangers' or 'my artery managers' but they sort of sound like anagrams, don't you agree?
...
"Tibbit. It's a palindrome. Easy to remember."
"First name?"
"Otto. Palindrome as well. Sister's name is Hannah. Father liked word games. Fourteen times world Scrabble champion. When he died, we buried him at Queenzieburn to make use of the triple word score. He spent the better part of his life campaigning to have respelt those words that look as though they're spelt wrongly but aren't."
"Such as?"
"Oh, skiing, vacuum, freest, eczema, gnu, diarrhea, that sort of thing. He also thought that 'abbreviation' was too long for its meaning, that 'monosyllabic' should have one syllable, 'dyslexia' should be renamed 'O' and 'unspeakable' should be respelt 'unsfzpxkable.'
Since I started writing this a week ago, I've gotten 50 more pages, so I've added
pg. 148, where our heroes meet suspect Lord Spongg.
"Thank you for seeing us, Lord Spongg-" began Mary, but Spongg interuppted her.
"Just 'Spongg' will do, Sergeant. I don't use my title much, but the first 'g' is short and the second 'g' long. Let it roll around for a bit before you let it go."
"Sponggg?"
"Close enough. Just put the brakes on a little earlier and you'll be fine."
That's all I got. A post of almost-all-copied text, very little insight or critique. It feels cheap, but there it is.
This is the first book in author Jasper Fforde's new series. Before this, he wrote a mystery series called Thursday Next, which I plan to check out.
cc: New York Times Book Review
4.07.2006
Emoticon Typo Commits
Area Woman To Second Date
I've spoken before on my disdain for emoticons. Here is a wonderful meditation on these nuisances.
4.03.2006
4.01.2006
Say Anything...
A local one-stop supermarket offers a photo lab, barber shop, tailor, and CPAs in addition to its groceries, TVs, clownfish and Lion Bars.
Walking in today, I noticed a banner for the tailor:
WE ALTER ANYTHING!
I inquired within.
Anything? Truly?
Sure, yes. You bring it in.
Like, how about time and space?
...
Or, what about endings? Because I just saw The Final Cut with Robin Williams and I really liked it, but the end came and I was like huh? I may have been dozing a bit, but it seemed really abrupt, and even though my wife explained what she thought happened, I still was like I don't know, if that's what they wanted me to get out of it, I don't think they set it up well enough, 'cause I missed it. So, can you alter that?
...!
OK, how about altars? I don't know if altars ever need altering, but I just thought that would be funny.
.
[walks to back of store. does not return.]
OK, then. Uh, thanks. I'll just, uh, head out to the rest of the store and get my sashimi.
My encounter left me with more questions than answers. Did the employee not speak English? What happened in the back room that she didn't return? Is she OK? Should I have checked on her, or alerted a manager? And I'm still unclear on what exactly they alter.
Hm. Tomorrow, I'm headed over to the car dealer. Apparently, if I can push, pull or drag anything to him, he's going to give me $2,000. I'm assuming day-old sashimi will qualify.
Walking in today, I noticed a banner for the tailor:
WE ALTER ANYTHING!
I inquired within.
Anything? Truly?
Sure, yes. You bring it in.
Like, how about time and space?
...
Or, what about endings? Because I just saw The Final Cut with Robin Williams and I really liked it, but the end came and I was like huh? I may have been dozing a bit, but it seemed really abrupt, and even though my wife explained what she thought happened, I still was like I don't know, if that's what they wanted me to get out of it, I don't think they set it up well enough, 'cause I missed it. So, can you alter that?
...!
OK, how about altars? I don't know if altars ever need altering, but I just thought that would be funny.
.
[walks to back of store. does not return.]
OK, then. Uh, thanks. I'll just, uh, head out to the rest of the store and get my sashimi.
My encounter left me with more questions than answers. Did the employee not speak English? What happened in the back room that she didn't return? Is she OK? Should I have checked on her, or alerted a manager? And I'm still unclear on what exactly they alter.
Hm. Tomorrow, I'm headed over to the car dealer. Apparently, if I can push, pull or drag anything to him, he's going to give me $2,000. I'm assuming day-old sashimi will qualify.
3.28.2006
An Open Letter to Mr. Willy Wonka
March 26, 2006
Mr. Wonka:
I recently purchased your Laffy Taffy® product and thought you should know that the product packaging did not live up to its usual high standards.
Namely, I found that the jokes made no sense at all. Joke #91, from Nicole P of Kingman, AZ asks:
"What happened to the wind?"
The answer (under flap) given is:
"It blew away."
Now, I'm sorry.
But I think I'm a half-way intelligent person. For example, I have a blog. I spent some time with this punchline, trying to make it work. Maybe, I thought, "away" is wordplay, and it's meant to be heard as two words: "It blew a way." A way where? Home? To the store? I don't know, I need more information. And either way, it's not funny.
My riddle for you is this:
What happened to the wind joke?
It blew.
See what I did there? I took the double-meaning of "blow" and worked it so I made fun of your wrapper.
But, wait.
Is it possible, Mr. Wonka, that the wind joke is actually a very concise Shaggy Dog Story? A joke with no punchline at all, in effect, making it quite funny, in an absurdist vein?
Now that I think on it, Joke #91's a cracker, to be sure. I hadn't expected such a high level of humor from your company, therefore wasn't looking hard enough. I say, well done. Well done, indeed.
Having thought this through, I will withhold comment on Christy M.'s Joke #92 about the cow jumping over the moon, which I found dreadful, but I see now it may just need a good rethinking.
Sincerely,
Eric "Babe" Morse
President, SPASTIC
Mr. Wonka:
I recently purchased your Laffy Taffy® product and thought you should know that the product packaging did not live up to its usual high standards.
Namely, I found that the jokes made no sense at all. Joke #91, from Nicole P of Kingman, AZ asks:
"What happened to the wind?"
The answer (under flap) given is:
"It blew away."
Now, I'm sorry.
But I think I'm a half-way intelligent person. For example, I have a blog. I spent some time with this punchline, trying to make it work. Maybe, I thought, "away" is wordplay, and it's meant to be heard as two words: "It blew a way." A way where? Home? To the store? I don't know, I need more information. And either way, it's not funny.
My riddle for you is this:
What happened to the wind joke?
It blew.
See what I did there? I took the double-meaning of "blow" and worked it so I made fun of your wrapper.
But, wait.
Is it possible, Mr. Wonka, that the wind joke is actually a very concise Shaggy Dog Story? A joke with no punchline at all, in effect, making it quite funny, in an absurdist vein?
Now that I think on it, Joke #91's a cracker, to be sure. I hadn't expected such a high level of humor from your company, therefore wasn't looking hard enough. I say, well done. Well done, indeed.
Having thought this through, I will withhold comment on Christy M.'s Joke #92 about the cow jumping over the moon, which I found dreadful, but I see now it may just need a good rethinking.
Sincerely,
Eric "Babe" Morse
President, SPASTIC
3.22.2006
Donna? Read!
Lou? Read!
Everybody Read!
A couple years ago, my family moved to The Country. Our first visit to our son's elementary school let us know we weren't in the City no more. At the front entrance, a large cutout of Jeff Gordon waved to us. A word balloon instructed us to "Race Into Reading!" The rest of the school was NASCAR'd as well, with models and stickers and flags and books on racing. The first book order, he came home with a Dale Jr. punch-out book.
As I mentioned recently, March is Reading Month. The structure (can it reach snowclone status?) X Into Reading is ubiquitous, as schools struggle to find new and interesting school-wide themes. Just a quick Googling uncovers schools who:
Dive into Reading
March into Reading
Step into Reading
Dip into Reading (ice cream theme)
Rocket into Reading
Tune into Reading
Race into Reading
Escape into Reading
Get Clued In To Reading (with Inspector Digit!)
It's got to be tough for those Media Specialists who each year have to come up with the cool, motivational theme. Well, folks, never fear. Reading Month 2007 is taken care of. Bookmark this page and check back next year. Feel free to steal any of these ideas. Any attribution to SPASTIC, LLC would be appreciated.
TREK INTO READING
It's Kirk. He's reading Suess' Oh, The Places You'll Go!. The whole month, the hallway is plastered with planets as kids read more and more books. For every 100 books read, the principal gets on the PA and does his Bones impression: "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a librarian!" Every kid that reads a certain number of books gets plastic Spock ears as a prize. Could be fun...
Here's a quick mockup of a hallway poster:
SLIDE INTO READING
Baseball theme? Playground? Nope. How about a tribute to White Castle Sliders? Little square pieces of paper covering the halls with book titles kids have read written on them. The classroom with the most books read gets a field trip to the nearest Castle, as well as a visit from the Indian in Harold and Kumar (I don't remember if he played Harold or Kumar). If school meets goal, the principal gets "steamed" in all-school assembly. Bonus if you can work in very small amounts of diced onion.
TAP INTO READING
This, of course, would be a month-long Tribute to the '80s heavy metal supergroup Spïnal Tap. Many books on Druids would be made available, as well as Ten Little Indians: Special Edition (the one that goes to eleven) and the Illustrated Book of Saints, which includes the oft-neglected Saint Hubbins. The month could culminate in a staged retelling of the Billy Goats Gruff, with a giant inflatable goat's head that, unfortunately, stands a good chance of deflating and suffocating a few children.
SCHLEP INTO READING
Matisyahu beat boxes softly over the PA every morning as students enjoy 20 minutes of Sustained Meditative Reading. Motivational Reading Month posters could include such icons of the Jewish faith as Madonna and Ashton Kutcher. For the goyim in the house, Fiddler on the Roof and Laverne and Shirley would be playing on a loop in the cafetorium. As students complete books, Estelle Costanza and Helen Seinfeld tell the kids they could just plotz, they're so proud, but isn't Arthur a little easy for you? Why not more of a challenge? What's wrong with a Nancy Drew once in awhile?
As I mentioned recently, March is Reading Month. The structure (can it reach snowclone status?) X Into Reading is ubiquitous, as schools struggle to find new and interesting school-wide themes. Just a quick Googling uncovers schools who:
Dive into Reading
March into Reading
Step into Reading
Dip into Reading (ice cream theme)
Rocket into Reading
Tune into Reading
Race into Reading
Escape into Reading
Get Clued In To Reading (with Inspector Digit!)
It's got to be tough for those Media Specialists who each year have to come up with the cool, motivational theme. Well, folks, never fear. Reading Month 2007 is taken care of. Bookmark this page and check back next year. Feel free to steal any of these ideas. Any attribution to SPASTIC, LLC would be appreciated.
TREK INTO READING
It's Kirk. He's reading Suess' Oh, The Places You'll Go!. The whole month, the hallway is plastered with planets as kids read more and more books. For every 100 books read, the principal gets on the PA and does his Bones impression: "Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a librarian!" Every kid that reads a certain number of books gets plastic Spock ears as a prize. Could be fun...
Here's a quick mockup of a hallway poster:
SLIDE INTO READING
Baseball theme? Playground? Nope. How about a tribute to White Castle Sliders? Little square pieces of paper covering the halls with book titles kids have read written on them. The classroom with the most books read gets a field trip to the nearest Castle, as well as a visit from the Indian in Harold and Kumar (I don't remember if he played Harold or Kumar). If school meets goal, the principal gets "steamed" in all-school assembly. Bonus if you can work in very small amounts of diced onion.
TAP INTO READING
This, of course, would be a month-long Tribute to the '80s heavy metal supergroup Spïnal Tap. Many books on Druids would be made available, as well as Ten Little Indians: Special Edition (the one that goes to eleven) and the Illustrated Book of Saints, which includes the oft-neglected Saint Hubbins. The month could culminate in a staged retelling of the Billy Goats Gruff, with a giant inflatable goat's head that, unfortunately, stands a good chance of deflating and suffocating a few children.
SCHLEP INTO READING
Matisyahu beat boxes softly over the PA every morning as students enjoy 20 minutes of Sustained Meditative Reading. Motivational Reading Month posters could include such icons of the Jewish faith as Madonna and Ashton Kutcher. For the goyim in the house, Fiddler on the Roof and Laverne and Shirley would be playing on a loop in the cafetorium. As students complete books, Estelle Costanza and Helen Seinfeld tell the kids they could just plotz, they're so proud, but isn't Arthur a little easy for you? Why not more of a challenge? What's wrong with a Nancy Drew once in awhile?
3.20.2006
Don't Speak. Me Know What You're Thinking.
Just tea for two
And two for tea
Just me for you
And you for I...
So, I hate to disclose the fact that I'm exercising.
But I am.
Well, I am trying.
I'm Gazelle-ing. The GazelleTM is sort of like a flying NordicTrackTM. You sort of feel like Fred and Barney as they take off in their car, feet spinning wildly until finally they gain traction and speed off. Except with the GazelleTM, you're just always flailing about in space.
Anyhow, the guy that makes the GazelleTM is Tony Little, and he yells at me on his "butt-kickin' workout" that I Can Do It and that if I Believe, I Will Acheive. He's kind of crazy, but he's actually quite likeable. I'm kind of getting into the GazelleTM scene, though I really don't feel like I'm working as hard as when I do things where I'm touching the ground. But I think that may be the Point.
So, I'm in the groove, Zero G Flailing. And every seven minutes or so, Tony says:
"In the privacy of your own home, just you and I"
I do a little convulsive twitch that throws my rhythm all off. One leg hitches up, the machine tilts crazily, and I am nearly tangled in the Aircraft Grade Cabling.
Tomorrow, I'm going to watch Tony with the volume off. I'll play my own soundtrack: a thumping groove with some William Safire samples thrown in. It's my New York Techno.
And two for tea
Just me for you
And you for I...
So, I hate to disclose the fact that I'm exercising.
But I am.
Well, I am trying.
I'm Gazelle-ing. The GazelleTM is sort of like a flying NordicTrackTM. You sort of feel like Fred and Barney as they take off in their car, feet spinning wildly until finally they gain traction and speed off. Except with the GazelleTM, you're just always flailing about in space.
Anyhow, the guy that makes the GazelleTM is Tony Little, and he yells at me on his "butt-kickin' workout" that I Can Do It and that if I Believe, I Will Acheive. He's kind of crazy, but he's actually quite likeable. I'm kind of getting into the GazelleTM scene, though I really don't feel like I'm working as hard as when I do things where I'm touching the ground. But I think that may be the Point.
So, I'm in the groove, Zero G Flailing. And every seven minutes or so, Tony says:
"In the privacy of your own home, just you and I"
I do a little convulsive twitch that throws my rhythm all off. One leg hitches up, the machine tilts crazily, and I am nearly tangled in the Aircraft Grade Cabling.
Tomorrow, I'm going to watch Tony with the volume off. I'll play my own soundtrack: a thumping groove with some William Safire samples thrown in. It's my New York Techno.
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