Vacation Dispatch Two Wannabe Your Lover, Indeed

Drove past a senior center with this on its marquee:

DINNER FOR
HO SPICE

Insert David Beckham joke here.

Vacation Dispatch OneCougar Sighting

During the last few weeks away from the computer, I've amassed literally days of material for this blog, which will be meted out in small posts over the next year or so. Enjoy.

At the national park we recently visited, there was a sign warning us that we were in a cougar habitat, and that at any time one could pop up and eat our dog or child. It told us what to do if this happened ("throw sticks", "spread arms wide to appear bigger"), so it was cool.
That night, I had this dream:

The Dream I Had About The Cougar
by E"B"M

I was walking along the beach last night, and a cougar walked up to me.
"Hey," I said. "Must be a pain having all us tourists messin' up your place like we do."
"Well," he said. "I was born in a small town, so you know it hurts so good."
"Hey..." I said. "You're John Cougar! What are you doing in Empire, Michigan?"
"Same as you, man. Just ate me a couple toddlers, and now it's back to the campground where they grow all the honeydew and watermelons. You know, the Melon Camp."

Quoth the Ravin'

OK, people.
Quotation marks have a number of important uses.

They let you know you're reading exactly what a person said.
"You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."
—George Bush

They let you know you're reading the title of a short work.
Ambrose Bierce's "My Favourite Murder" was not made into a Diagnosis Murder episode.

They let you know the writer finds a term wack, skeptical, off-the-mark.
"Stars Are Blind" is the new single from model, "actress" and "singer" Paris Hilton.

And now, a reminder:
Quotation marks do not get used around portions of prepositional phrases. This is just crazy.
Last week, it was GOLD "BY THE" INCH at the fair. Today, from outside Silver Lake State Park, it's

PIZZA
HOT & FRESH
"FROM THE"
OVEN

Pardon my French, but what the crap, people? What is it about quotation marks that freaks us out so? Why do we feel the need to wrap random words in quotes? I've mentioned this before, but I must remind everyone that there are only so many of each character to go around. If we continue to make giant signs that say everything is "half" off (I go in the store, and everything is actually 25% off, and the lady does the air-quotes thing and says ""half" off... so not really! Get it? Hahaha!") and sides of buildings that advertise "TV's" "VCR's" "RADIO'S" "GREAT DEALS" "OPEN DAILY" we are going to run out. Then where will we be? Imagine this hellish scenario:

I was just reading The Purloined Letter, and I thought it was quite good.
You were reading a Purloined Letter? You thief! Give it back!
Whaaa...?
One can't run about purloining things, even if they are a good read. I'm very disappointed!
I mean Poe's The Purloined Letter!
I don't care whose it was, Mr. Random-Article-Adder. Just take it the back!

If folks keep overusing quote marks, we may have to resort to other punctuation:

(*Mr. Heathcliff?}; I said.
A nod was the answer.
#8Mr. Lockwood, your new tenant, sir. I do myself the honour of calling as soon as possible after my arrival, to express the hope that I have not inconvenienced you by my perseverance in soliciting the occupation of Thrushcross Grange: I heard yesterday you had had some thoughts...

//Thrushcross Grange is my own, sir,®§ he interrupted, wincing. ☮ðI should not allow any one to inconvenience me, if I could hinder it - walk in!^^¾ ¿

No one wants this to happen. It's up to all of us to keep the overuse of the quotation to a minumum. Due vigilance, compadres.

"Never Give In. Never, Never, Nev^^¾ ¿
-Winston Churchill

Rock the Vote. With Sugar On Top.

There's a campaign sign around town:

PLEASE ELECT
TODD EDWARDS
COUNTY COMMISSIONER

I don't recall seeing many, if any, campaign posters that use the word "please".
On one hand, it seems polite. Nice. Friendly.
But on the other hand, and this is my dominant hand, it seems pleading. Needy. Sad.

Please.

For the love of God, elect me!

C'mon, please? Pleeeeze? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?

It's the only sign in town that pleads with us. There are many, and most either just say "Elect" or nothing at all.... just the person's name and office. I like this last one. I know the purpose of the signs are to suggest that I "Vote" for or "Elect" someone on Election Day. I doubt there is anyone who would see the yard sign:

TODD EDWARDS
COUNTY COMMISSIONER

and say "Hey, Commissioner Edwards lives there!"

So, don't look so needy, Todd. It's not cool.

*Hey, speaking of voting, the MIPA J-World site has a cute article about a very important election. Let your voice be heard!

True Story

Went to the fair yesterday.
A guy had a booth, where he sold

GOLD

"BY THE"
INCH

I have nothing else to say about this.

Dodgy Logic

I took my eight-year-old and five-year-old to the 3/8 mile paved oval track in the middle of the corn field down the way. We got to wear squishy dayglo earplugs, sit on a bleacher built during the Johnson administration, and eat hot dogs way after bedtime. Very fun.

During intermission, we checked out the "Souvenir Stand". To give you an idea of its appearance, I can tell you my five-year-old daughter's first question was:
"Is this a garage sale"?

It was quite the hodge-podge of merchandise. Some stuff from Oriental Trading Company for the kids (500% markup, natch), some Dale, Jr. wallets, some tin signs for the side of your garage that have the dixie flag and the words REDNECK BOULEVARD.
The one item that's stuck with me is the decal for your truck window that says:

THIS FORD EATS CHEVYS AND S***S OUT DODGES

Now, that's a statement that conjures an image. And it ain't pretty.

But more to the point, it just doesn't make sense. I'm not a science teacher. But we're led to believe that the guy's vehicle practices some magical alchemy that can change a vehicle it consumes into another make of vehicle?
OK, I get it.
Dodge=crap.
But it still doesn't work for me.
Like, I think I'm led to believe that a Chevy is better than a Dodge.
But the Chevy turns into a Dodge when eaten and pooped.
So, in the end, I've got a Ford and a Dodge, and no Chevy.

I don't know what this means. I'm just thinkin' out loud.
Or, maybe, over-thinkin' out loud.

All I know is that it'd be more helpful if I had a car that instead of s******g Dodges, dodges s***.

Dear Dr. Dean: Is There An Aftskin?-Nonplussed in Nantucket

I stood, watching members of the class of 2006 enter the arena to receive their empty folders signifying that as soon as final grades are posted and the fine list is checked, they will officially be High School Graduates.

A colleague, feeling led by the somberness of the affair, said:

"Again with the Pomp and Circumcision."

Hm. Was this simply clever wordplay, or a serious commentary on the event? I was unsure how to respond. I thought of the appropriate response for a couple of seconds, and came up with:

"Yeah."

Which probably was read as something like "Yes, well played, my friend. Very clever!" though I really was just left confused.

Upon reflection, there are better ways I feel I could have responded. For instance, was he saying that the rite of commencement was a cutting away, of sorts, from family? Though it's a bit of a stretch, this reading kind of works for me. I like it. So maybe I stick with the theme and come back with:

"Yeah. They could be playing Prelude To A Bris."

Or maybe I acknowledge the pun, yet come back with what I find a more appropriate feel for the day:

"Yeah. More like Pomp and Circumspection."

Or maybe a withering comment that shows I do not appreciate the sullying of such a staid affair with such sophomoric punnery:

"Yeah, but now please commence zipping your lip."
"You know, you really put the dict in valedictorian."
"Yeah... now please move your tassel from right to shut up."

I am not happy with these. I'm fairly certain Groucho would turn away in disgust. I am open to suggestions.

Cheap Excuse For A Post

And this is.



Please make a note of it.

Depp Impact

I just watched The Secret Window last night. Actually, I slept through the middle 30 minutes, but I got the gist. I know, it's, like, two years old, but our Netflix queue has 190 movies in it and it just came up.

Anyhow, remember my reminiscence re: "I love you/Me too"?

In the movie, Johnny Depp's housekeeper says something like:

"You're a good man, Mr. Rainey."

And he replies:

"You, too, Mrs. Garvey."

That's all.

Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink

I've got a school email account I rarely check. I only ever get spam. This was my inbox when I went in for my quarterly email dump:



I don't know Penny Lewis, but I really appreciate the sentiment.

Eupemisms can indeed be cumbersome.

Like "Talk to a man about a horse." What a mouthful. Just say you gotta pee.

On the other hand, euphemisms can be enjoyable. It is more fun to talk about Sam Hill than Hell. And I do appreciate the people who choose to yell "Judas Priest!" instead of invoking the name of Jesus. Unless they're invoking Rob Halford. Which I guess is possible.

There's the line from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? where George asks:

"Martha, will you show her where we keep the... uh... euphemism?"

Good stuff, that.

Hey, it just occured to me. The hippos George & Martha, are they so named because of Edward Albee's play? Probably. Huh.

Good stuff, that.

So, Penny. I never did read your email. I just assumed that "euphemism cumbersome" was your way of saying that you had a line on some cut-rate penis-enlargement, and opted out.

And now that I think on it, that's actually a pretty apropos random phrase for spam-filter-evading software to pick for a title.

Good stuff indeed.

Getcher Motor Runnin'

Local public radio told me today that "most crashes occur on two-lane roads, not highways."

Maybe I don't know what a highway is. In my mind, a highway is a two-lane road.

This is actually something that I've historically gotten confused. As I look up definitions, I find that there's not a ton of consensus, and some of the definitions depend on where you're from.

I've always gone with:

Freeway: uses on- and off-ramps. So the traffic flow is, like, free.
Expressway: same as a freeway, but bigger, and, maybe faster.
Highway: can be multiple lanes, can be limited-access, but can also be two-lane country roads. Two-lane country road is usually what I think of when I hear "highway". As in: "I grew up in a small town with a blinker light off Highway 46."
Parkway: no idea what this is.

As I did a little (very little) research, I found that many stories stating the "most crashes on two-lane roads" fact specify undivided two-lane roads, like the ones I'm thinking of. I guess the story I heard needed to specify this.

Maybe "highway" is too generic. How about a new word? Maybe just call the divided highways "high ways". You know, divided.

No, that's stupid. "Divideways"? Gack.

Never mind.

I &hearts I

Jack Bauer saves the world.

Well, not yet. But he's close. There's still a crazy Russian out there.

Any-hoo. After many near-deaths, he comes in to the hospital room of his gal, and she says:

"I missed you."

He says:

"Me, too."

She says:

"You missed you, too?"

Not, really.

That last part I made up.

Now, I know this is a common thing.

I love you. Me, too.

I've always thought it weird, though.

You, too?

Thing One and Thing Two

Thing the First
Arby's still doesn't list its new gyro on their site, so I continue to get 100+ people a day visiting. Also, this weekend I passed the Battle Creek Arby's marquee which reads:

TRY OUR MF GYRO

So, it must be a thing. Just not a very smart thing, IMHO.


Thing The Second
Jan Freeman's column this week includes a poll, to see how much of a prescriptivist you really are. She points out that my boy Ambrose threw down with some Rules back in the day, some of which now seem quite dated and laughable.

To which I say "Yeah, so?"

Go check it out and vote for yourself.

I'll even openly admit that I went with "oblique" on this one, and on further research, rather regret it.

9. ''On the photocopied sheet she gives students, Ms. Yamamoto includes guidelines that are _____ at first: 'Destroy many paintings,' ''Meditation is through Sumi-e, therefore long conversation is not allowed in class.'''
C. obscure
	64.0%
A. obtuse
	24.0%
B. oblique
	12.0%
Total votes: 25

Also Try The New Ellipsis Rooter

Those responsible for this:



Need to get their hands on some of this:

Make Money Writing Kids' Books!

First, if you're here about Gyros, click here. It's not what you're looking for, but you might laugh.

I've decided that the crowded kids-book market isn't that hard to crack, after all.
You just need a great idea, right?
All those out-of-work writers just aren't creative enough.
Because every kids' book I look at in the store is a revelation, rarely a recycling-of-tired-themes in the bunch.

So.

Not only do I have a great idea for a kids' book.
I have TWO great ideas.
And I'm sharing them with you.
For free.
You're welcome.

Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #1
Characters That Grow Old
I know. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? But it rarely happens. Yes, Harry Potter's aging, but I'm talking kids' books, here. Like Clifford. Not only is he no older than he was 40 (280) years ago, he's getting younger. Will Arthur ever make it to fourth grade? No. He won't.
Ostensibly, this is because we want Arthur et al to appeal to the next generation of third-graders. They become timeless.
I submit, though, that there is a market out there for characters we can grow up with. If Arthur's Glasses can help assuage fears of kids getting new specs, couldn't Arthur Finds Hair In Strange Places help them deal with those gawky tween years?
Answer: Yes, it could.
Now, I just have to come up with my own character. I'm thinking of starting out with a board book series featuring an anthropomorphized Howler Monkey named Charlie Howler. Some titles:

Howler's Friends
Howler at the Zoo
Howler Goes Zoom

In a few years, I release

Howler Rides a Bike
Howler and the Dentist
Howler and the Emergency Appendectomy

Titles to look for down the road include

Charlie Howler's SAT Study Guide
Charlie Howler at Sweet Valley University (see crossovers)
Mr. Howler and the Audit
Turkish Prison Blues (an Inspector Howler Mystery)
How Charlie Got His Groove Back
Howler's Colonoscopy
The Five People Charlie Meets In Heaven

Kids' Book Idea That'll Make Me Rich #2
Crossovers
Coming soon.

Nu Mu Words (and Nu Mu Promises)

First, if you're here about Gyros, click here. It's not what you're looking for, but you might laugh.

The day after my post about NuUnion's goofy name, a friend asked me if I'd caught a new Washington Mutual television ad. I'd never heard of them, but they have a few banks around the state, probably the result of a merger or acquisition.
Any-hoo.
They refer to themselves as "WaMu." Pronounced, Wah-Moo. Their tagline: "The WaMu Way."
It's kind of fun, and interesting that a bank would take on such a moniker. They're trying for the hipper, younger, fun-loving-er customer, I'd say.
They have an education rewards credit card called "WaMoolah."
Cute.
Now, they just need to merge with NuUnion and become:

WaMuNu.

or, NuWaMu?

Nu (No, it's Ni! Ni!)

There's a new bank in town.
You ready for its name?
Drumroll.

NuUnion

OK, so it's a "Nu" Credit "Union". I get it.
But why "Nu"? Hipness? Probably, yes. Why else?
But is it a good idea to grab onto what I can only assume will be a short-lived trend?
Doesn't this strike anyone as, in five years, being so 2005?

They're not the only nu's out there. You've got:

Nu-Global (technology)
Nu Metro (South African theatre chain)
Nu Urban Music (urban music)

and more, I'm sure. But, a bank? Come on.

Granted, as a Greek letter, Nu's been around for awhile. And perhaps their nu moniker will attract some students from the local university. Whether they'll be opening an account or attempting to pledge Nu is yet to be seen.

Describing the move, their press release explains:

When the organization adopted the State Employees Credit Union name 53 years ago, it accurately described its membership. But today, less than 20% of its members are state employees. The organization chose the name NuUnion Credit Union to reflect the new kind of credit union its [sic] building for its membership -- one that combines more products and services families need with a long tradition of commitment to members, community, and service. The organization hasn't been bought, acquired in a merger, or lost its independence in any way.

It chose the name NuUnion to reflect their new kind of credit union. What, the pay-some-22-year-old-consultant-a-few-grand-to-come-back-with-"nu"-
as-a-makeover-concept? I see the pitch meeting just like all the meetings in Fox's The Loop, where the kid gets drunk the night before and comes up with his Grand Idea the second before it comes out of his mouth:

President [on speakerphone with ad agency]: OK, kid, whatcha got?
Joey [who has spent the first part of the meeting eating Bunny Basket Eggs, and has to respond with his mouth full]: Nuu?
President: New? Are you kidding me? How much're we paying this guy? My four-year-old could write this crap! Come on!
Joey [scrambling]: Uh, no. Sir! It's, uh, Nu! N-U. Like the Greek letter! As in, history! And Nu is very now, as well. Everybody's doing it. Nu this, nu that... it's fresh, trust me! So it's old... and new! Just like your bank!
President [after dramatic pause]: Crap, kid, you've done it! NU! Of course! It's brilliant!


A thought: NuUnion's website should use the NU domain. I checked: nuunion.nu is still available.

Year? Oh...

My hits have nearly doubled in the last two days.
Word must be out! SPASTIC is the place for quality word-nerd action!

Nope.

They're clicking on me because I'm the #2 hit in Google when you search "Arby's Gyro". Search "arby's gyro sandwich" (as some do) and I'm #1.

Since the Arby's site has no info at all on their new offering (probably a Michigan test market thing), my post on their effing signage gets top billing. Maybe someone searching for gyro info will stick around and read my March Is Reading Month post, of which I was quite proud.

Or not.

Bunny Basket Egg Cinquain

Just polished off a bag of 1/2-off Easter candy.
The final piece was my favorite flavor.
Karmic bliss, spurring me on to a quick poem.

Sugar
Pure, Refined
Bite, Revel, Adore
Last one; it's white
Sweet!

Putting the FU in SNAFU

My problems decrypting* abbreviations have been documented. But here's one I found to be a stumper. My wife and I pulled into Arby's yesterday to see this on the marquee:

TRY OUR MF GYRO

Says I: "What do you think the MF stands for?"

While the obvious, yet slightly inappropriate, answer to the question loomed in our minds, we scoured the building for clues. A full-color banner proclaimed "New Roast Beef Gyro!" No, that would be an "RB GYRO".
We tried talking it out:

Hmmm,
Most Fabulous?
Magically, um, Flavored?
(trying to sneak up on it) Mmm...marble...uh...fff... uh, fff.. forget it. It makes no sense.

I decided that MF(in') Gyro! was actually not a bad name for a sandwich.

Today, I googled "MF Gyro" and got diddly. The Arby's site doesn't mention it. But, I think I figured it out. They've got a line of sandwiches called "Market Fresh". That must be it.

Note to Arby's: Your Market Fresh line isn't well-known enough to initialize. And if it ever does become well-known, I don't know if "MF Sandwiches" has the ring you're looking for.

If Arbys' corporate is reading this, you should call the Arby's in Coopersville and ask them to change their MF sign.

*de·crypt tr.v. de·crypt·ed, de·crypt·ing, de·crypts
1. To decipher.
2. To dig up (see mummy,).